abussive ex how do i handle this,LONG

[dandydorset]

hi,

have namechanged,dont really post much but avid reader of relationships

ok was with an abussive ex (sometimes physical,most emotional)for 4 years,cheated on me,txting other women,dating sites etc,anyway we were on and of alot but he constantly hounded me over the years following me etc and i always went back,was never ending

anyway 3months ago he went very cold saying we should be friends,thought it strange then a few days later found out he was dating a women of a dating site about 40 miles away.

he tried to deny it but this time i wasnt having any of it and knew i had to finish the relationship,i mentioned in conversation that i was going to a gig that week and when i went to it he was sat there with his GF,i ignored him and went the other way,he done it on purpose and wanted a reaction but i didnt,i deleted his number and havent contacted him since before that approx 6 wks now

anyway ive kept out the way of his mates/family etc,i found it incredibly hard when we split this time,i felt devastated and for a few weeks found it very difficult to cope,id never been like this before and couldnt understand why i was like this

anyway after he turned up like that i knew there was no going back it was a awful thing to do and saw him for what he was

he didnt contact me,and neither me him and thought he was living with his new GF miles away,he always lived with quick,i know his ex and he was the same with her and others in every way abbussive etc,

i would never let him live with me as he couldnt hold down a job and his temper,thank god,anyway last week he has now started drinking in the social club 60ft away from my house with the GF,it used to be my local,not his as he was barred but has wormed his way in,so he's now there all weekend with her and i feel like im being spied on or he's trying to get a reaction,i now find out he was hanging round the bus stop with her yesterday when he clearly knows i would see them as school pick up (the bus he was catching goes right past his house 5 stops up from mine,so no way did he need to walk down to catch it there

its messing my head up knowing hes about and cant really make out if hes doing this on purpose or it's me thinking to hard

how do i handle seeing them together,it hurts,but i dont want him to know how much this has upset me,im afraid to go to my local as im worried i will see them,im just starting to heel and find him being around is constantly in my thoughts,do you think this is a game or just coincidence

sorry for long ramble

Not sure what to say, but didn't want to leave you hanging.

I think he's desperate to get a reaction from you. He clearly wanted fireworks at the gig, and is angry / upset you didn't 'fight' for him. His behaviour now is bordering on stalking, unless he has other friends who go to that pub?

All you can do is ignore and move on.

he does know people in the social club but nobody he would arrange to meet there,just normal blokes that would be there anyway

i havent contacted him at all in 6 wks,hes got his new gf why isnt that enough for him,now hes hanging about near my home,its like he wants to mush my head

whocansay think you may be right over him wanting women "fighting" over him

i feel bit stupid thinking this is all to mess my head up,and maybe he is just getting on with his life and im thinking to hard into it,but i do know the gig incident was on purpose and they left after 40mins

i feel like never going in my local again,i feel like such a fool for what he has done,he goes of and has affairs and im the one hiding away Grrrrrrrrr

thanks for your replys it always helps to hear other MN take on things

hi,ive decided to face up to things and will be popping in the social club tonight with a friend,if he is in tere i will just ignore him,wont be in there for long,just to show my face

good for you

yep time to face the devil but keep my dignity at the same time

thanks hope im doing the right thing

Hope you had a fab evening and didn't give him a second glance!

For some ridiculous reason the ones that abuse you are the hardest to get over(ive done this) I think it's probably because over time they have made you feel so worthless that if THEY leave you it feels like a double whammy and somehow you feel that no-one else would want you. You don't know it yet but you are sooooo well shot of this manipulative arse and I feel sorry for the poor girl he's carting around parading in front of you.

I'm 5 months out of a 3 odd year relationship where he subtly made me feel like shit. Ive been on-line dating for a couple of months now and have just met a lovely man, it's early doors etc. but he's the absolute opposite to the prick I was with.

Onwards and upwards sweetheart

it is really hard faced of him but it IS also pathetically tragically pitiful attention seeking behaviour on his part. you hav your dignity and he left his at the bus stop.

update

well i let it know to a few locals that i was going over tonight,saw his van only stayed 30mins then left 20mins before i would arrive,RESULT

in my mind that let him know i wasnt staying away anymore,he was probably afraid id tell his GF some home truths,anyway showed myface for an hour then had a great night elsewheRe ,so basically feel so much more in control instead of hiding away

thanks ladies just what i needed

[thumbs up]

think you lady's have him sussed,lol

he was seen yesterday asking peeps for drinks in a very rough pub/part of city,they didnt see him with GF

hes lost loads of weiht and has gone back to drinking heavily from what i can tell

i guess abusers can never keep this facade up for long,he is definetley going back to his own ways

i thought i would feel a bit of satisfaction now knowing that his mask is slipping as many have told me this would happen,but i dont feel anything

i dont feel anything: he's shown you who he is...and you don;t like it.

hooray!