Is it over?

[crying]

I've changed my name for this, but am a regular.
Dh and I have been together a long time, and have kids. I spent many years feeling depressed and worthless, and often still do. However recently I have started going out from time to time, and enjoyed it.

For a while it was ok, but now dh says he has decided that he is in love with a person he has imagined me to be, and not the one I am, and wants to leave. We have had a few of these discussions recently and it's tearing me up. We were chatting a while ago about prior bf and gf's, and he went mad when I told him about the number of bf's I had before him, which I had always been upfront about, and in fact told him v early on in the relationship. He claims I didn't, or that he had forgotten, and that made our marriage a lie over all these years. He also was really unhappy about rediscovering there was an overlapping period between him and my previous finace, again somthing he had always known about. Now whenever I go out, he is really nice about it, then I come back, and a few hours later, even the next day he starts huge rows, saying I am being disrespectful to him, I look at him with hate, that I don't want to be here etc.

He did it again today, after overhearing a pnonecall about something trivial ( which he was joining in with), but because a man was mentioned he says I am being direspectful to him. Now he wants to leave again. He says he needs time to think if he wants the wife he says he has or the wife he though he had. I have told him that I am the same person, and that my life is with him and hte kids, but going out helps me cope with the stress I have to deal with, but he just won't have it.

It's wearing me out, and I am so unhappy. We don't get any time away from the kids, and the house isn't big enough to go anywhere they can't overhear us talking/arguing. He says he doesn't trust me. I don't drive either, so can't get out for a break, or on a practical level, get anywhere like school for the kids.

I don't think this has made much sense, so please ask any questions to try and help me.

Sorry for waffling. If anyone recognises me, PLEASE don't say it on here, or contact me directly, it will start him off again if he thinks I have been discussing our situation. I can only post now because he has gone out.

Thanks.

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Oh crying, I'm so sorry things are looking so bleak at the moment.

Reading your post it struck me that maybe your DH is feeling a bit insecure. You've obviously gained some confidence - maybe he is really worried that you'll find someone 'better'. I'm not saying you should go back to staying at home depressed, it's his problem not yours, but I think you need to get away somewhere without the kids and talk. Can't your in-laws/parents/friends have the kids for a couple of hours so you can have some privacy?

Failing that maybe a break from each other is what you really need. Sometimes a step back is enough to allow the both of you to put the relationship in perspective. If he moves out for a bit, it'll be hard on you, but hopefully will force home to him how much he needs all of you.

Big Hug to all of you, please try to let us know how its going.

X
LL

HUGS crying ((()))

just wanted to bring this thread back up to the top XXX

Well, he certainly doesn't want you to be happy. I think its probably right to say he is frightened that now you have a bit of confidence he's scared you'll leave him, and so he wants to kill your confidence so he won't. Do you think it's worth saying this to him and pointing at that the constant threats to leave are cruel. Ask him what wife he thought he had. Maybe you could benefit from some couples counselling - ie Relate. TBH it sounds like he's gone round the bend.

Oh crying, so sorry you are feeling so bad at the mo. That is not a kind thing to say to you, he should accept that people change every day and you are what you are..

If he is saying he is in love with the person he has imagined you to be and not the one you are, it sounds to me he is insecure and that he is trying to change the person you are now....why should you, the only person who can change someone is themselves (if that makes sense), if he can't accept you the way you are then he needs to think what he really wants...not very well put but just wanted to give you big(((( hugs)))))...

What a pisser. He sounds very confused in himself, actually; does he really know what he wants in life?

crying,
you pooor thing (((hugs))). He sounds desperately insecure to me - it sounds as though he preferred it when you were more dependent on him, had no social life, and your self-esteem was very low. That's really sad - because he should be delighted and proud that you now have friends and are feeling happier about yourself. You have to get him to address this issue of trust - I really do think Relate would help, IF you can get him to agree to go it would help, but otherwise could you go on your own?

At the moment he is bullying you, and playing mind games with comments like being in love with the person he imagined you to be. He is being very cruel.

I really do feel for you and wish I could come up with some real practical help. Please think about Relate, and keep posting.

Take care xxx

We've talked about this over and over, for the past few weeks. He knows the things he is saying is rubbish, basically, but at the same time says he can't help it. He says he is a mug, a cuckold etc. I've told him plenty of times that he has nothing to worry about, I go out, have a drink, see my friends, and then come home to him, and the family, because I want to, and I love him, but it makes no difference. I suggested Relate recently, but he won't talk to anyone. He won't even talk to his friends about problems, and says I shouldn't have to either, that we used to be a tight unit against the world, but that isn't the case any more. I've told him what he wants me to be is a doormat again, but I won't.

Am posting quickly so he does'nt see this. It all seems a bit hopeless doesn't it? If he won't see any other way but his. He said to me recently he never trusts anyone, not even me 100%. I find the things he is saying recently so hurtful. I've aways put him and the kids first, and now I am finding time for me he doesn't like it, even though he was the one who suggested it for years before I actually did! He has many other things he can go and distract himself with too, but I only go out every 6 weeks on average.

I'm just wondering how long he can keep telling me he wants out before I hold the door open for him. I did say that if he goes, he will have to accept the possibility that I might not want him back.

We don't have any friends or relatives who can help out btw.

Thanks all for posting.

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Hi Stressy. He's acting like nothing happened, being nice as pie. So it's back to the old routine. I've told him that he can't make threats to leave every time he gets cross, that it is no good for the kids or me. So if he wants to go away he should plan it calmly. The thing is he knows he is being irrational but still behaves like this.

Thanks for asking anyway.

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I know , and sometimes it's not even when i go out .

Thanks for your concern. It's nice to have a neutral viewpoint, and it makes me realise that it isn't me being unreasonable. I did offer to cancel the next night out, but he said no.