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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

need just a bit of moral support!

24 replies

kittykat10 · 16/05/2013 10:36

ok guys im seeing that guy again tonight, as you may have read it didnt exactally go to plan however he has lent me his house keys and i said id cook for him so meal all planned and realxing eveing planned ive read that stress can cause bedroom issues so i said last night that sex of the menu and we just enjoy each others company.
he seems happy that i am suppporting him in this problem but i am just a little concerened that he will think im not intrested in him sexually, do you think the meal and relaxing night watching dvds is the way to go
i also reserched the issue and he seems ok that ive done it.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/05/2013 10:47

I don't know the background. Which one of you is it that has 'bedroom issues'.. him? How long have you been seeing him?

Original poster
kittykat10 · 16/05/2013 11:43

hi
not long only a month or two the other night was to be our 1st time we had sex he was lovely and said we didnt have to rush he knows my ex used me for sex a few times after we broke up.
he couldnt get an erection or when he did it wasnt for long enough for penatritive sex , he has been so attentive to me which is so nice so i like him and want to work through it

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/05/2013 11:56

I don't want to be unkind... anyone can have an off day... but if you've not been together long and these erection problems continue, don't feel obliged to 'work though it' just because he's been nice to you. Nice guys can be the wrong guy.

Original poster
kittykat10 · 16/05/2013 11:57

but i already feel cheap as i was naked with him n let him do things

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Original poster
kittykat10 · 16/05/2013 12:09

maybe ive just made a huge mistake

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foolonthehill · 16/05/2013 12:10

Why would you feel cheap? Was this not what you wanted?

If you don't feel happy with what you are doing, don't do it. there is no obligation however nice he is.

foolonthehill · 16/05/2013 12:14

Sex is not a "pay back" from women to men...it's supposed to be a mutually enjoyable experience within a relationship that you are both happy with (ie you both want the same from the relationship whether a ONS or a long term commitment or FWB or whatever).

Are you happy with yourself, is this a good relationship for you in other ways?

Original poster
kittykat10 · 16/05/2013 12:17

yes it is he only my 2nd bf but im no silly kid but it dumb caring stuff like walking to my car after the other night, we can laugh together , he cooks for me he trusts me

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/05/2013 12:21

Personal question so don't feel obliged to answer this.... Last time did you achieve orgasm anyway or did everything stop when he couldn't get an erection? When you say 'cheap' do you mean you felt vulnerable? exposed? let down? over eager?

foolonthehill · 16/05/2013 12:24

So, why do you "feel cheap" and why may it be a a "huge mistake"?

Is it because you feel like you ought to like him that way, but don;t. Just because he is nice and looks out for you does not mean you have to be attracted to him (nor he to you)

Original poster
kittykat10 · 16/05/2013 12:24

no when he couldnt get one he went down on me and another time he used fingers.
i guess feel cheap as i went so far and i wanted to it was me who basically said i wanted to

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/05/2013 12:30

It doesn't make you 'cheap' to be sexually enthusiastic :) It's good that he made sure you were satisfied rather than rolling over. However, separate all that from feeling obliged to 'work though' his erection problems. Sometimes, however much we want it to be better, some people are just not that good in bed. You are allowed to test-drive a few until you find someone you're fully compatible with.

Original poster
kittykat10 · 16/05/2013 12:36

i dont feel obliged i want to yeah it might not work out but is there any harm in having some one in your life for a while some one that treats you nice , ive been used before my ex texted me today and i thought awe how nice he still cares till reaslised it thursday n it the day he texts for sex chat

OP posts:
foolonthehill · 16/05/2013 12:37

can you block your ex? seems like that's on person you really don't want/need in your life.

Original poster
kittykat10 · 16/05/2013 12:41

i still care about him n made it clear there would be not flirty chat but he didnt text back
and cant really block him till i get my things back

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/05/2013 12:41

" is there any harm in having some one in your life for a while some one that treats you nice"

None whatsoever as long as everyone is on the same page. If you both get past the sexual nervousness then fantastic. If it doesn't show any signs of getting better, be honest and call time rather than stringing him along.

Original poster
kittykat10 · 16/05/2013 12:46

yeah id never hurt him , well we will see what happens maybe i just rushed him we have gone from a peck on cheek to sex x

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Original poster
kittykat10 · 17/05/2013 12:14

all i can say girls is o m g!!!

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Original poster
kittykat10 · 30/06/2013 16:03

to up date you all , it hasn't worked out e had a disagreement the other night and now its all a bit tense and not heard off him since Friday night.
he is working I know that and when I went home on thursdy morning hw was discussing that he was free at weekend so I don't know what to think.

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threefeethighandrising · 30/06/2013 16:11

What was the disagreement about?

Original poster
kittykat10 · 30/06/2013 16:29

long story but wed had sex earlier on that evening and he was not forceful he was taking the lead normally he will suggest we go to bedroom but he didn't and basically we did t on floor which was a nice surprise!
any way later that eveining we went to bed and started again and he sat up and went behind me and I got very tense and then he backed off saying he was really embaressed , he wouldn't tell me what was up so I got upset and dressed and went to kip on sofa , he came and got me a few mins later and said to come back to bed which I did but we didn't talk about it, I said sorry in the morning and we hugged etc and wen I went to drop things off to him at work he was fine with me gave me a kiss and a hug and even said he was free next weekend
any way he had a minor procedure at drs on fri and I was worried over him he texted me to say it was ll sorted but since fri night not heard off him, he been working away so that maybe that but im convinced now he not intrested , I know im really insecure but at the moment he the only decent thing in my life and I don't want that to end because of the issue I had with my ex.
my ex pretty much used me for sex but it took me ages to realise this and he could be a little rough in the bedroom, to the extent that soetims I was to scared to ay no to wht he wanted.

sorry to waffle on

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Original poster
kittykat10 · 01/07/2013 06:46

Well no word I guess I've made a fool of myself

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threefeethighandrising · 01/07/2013 12:20

kittykat you haven't made a fool out of yourself not at all :) Sometimes it is slow to get a response here, that's not a reflection on you.

(Personally I was out at a wedding till late yesterday so didn't check the thread till now).

There are lots of things that are worrying me about what you've posted. You've just started seeing this guy, he shouldn't be upsetting you.

"I know im really insecure but at the moment he the only decent thing in my life"

You do come across as lovely, but insecure yes. What went on with your ex sounds very unhealthy indeed, I think it could help you to talk to someone about it, and focus on becoming happy with yourself before dating.

I'm sorry this is a bit of a rushed post - I have to go (two DC to look after here) but will be back again.

Original poster
kittykat10 · 01/07/2013 13:13

no I don't think he knew he d upset me I shoul have told him what aprick my 1st bf had been.

I don't have a job, friends etc , I live in one room at my mum house and I don't mean I ony have that room , I eat , sleep and spend my days in it, so being him was fun, he made me smile and feel nice

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