My boyfriend hates my guts, please help me ltb

[Mouseyinmyhousey]

Back story is that I have been with my boyfriend over four years, I have one dc from a previous relationship, dc was a baby when boyfriend and I got together so boyfriend is all dc has ever known as 'dad'. Relationship was great to begin with and it was always envisaged that we had a future, marriage, moving in together, him being a parent to dc. He talked about the 'future' moreso than me as I didn't go in to it expecting anything.

After about a year together a started wanting a bit more. Eating together as he'd always eat at his mums, planning to move in together, him not dropping me last minute to see mates, him not speaking to women online he'd met on chatrooms. He withdrew massively at this point and I was made to feel as though I was mental and possessive for wanting a bit more commitment. And I actually doubted myself in a big way.

Since then I'm ashamed to admit he's pretty much treated me like shit, he's very good at taking me for a nice dinner or buying me a lovely present but he's pulled so many stunts, breaking up with me, lying and going behind my back, leading me up the garden path only to drop me like a lead weight, I'm mad really not to have just called it a day. I can't possibly go into it all as I'd be here all night but he has pulled some pretty rotten stunts.

Around Christmas time after something else happened I decided enough was enough and ended things. He wasn't too bothered at first but after a few weeks started begging me to get back together, he knew he'd been an idiot, knew he needed to commit, hadn't realised what I meant to him and what he really wanted in life.

I'd had a good few weeks to think things over in my own head and had decided that I wasn't crazy for wanting a boyfriend who was a partner, who after 4 years together would move in, get married, let me get closer to his family as they so desperately want but he's kept me at a safe distance. I knew what I wanted and told him so and that I wasn't going to pretend anymore.

He agreed it was absolutely what he wanted too. He made a huge gesture and bought me a new car as my old one was falling apart, well I put a bulk to it and my old car as deposit but he put most of the money to it. This was one of the things we have argued about in the past as he has a sports car sitting in the garage, a nearly new car, a sports bike and a work van, while I was driving me and dc round in a car with the brakes going. While boyfriend was happy to lodge in my house half the time letting me feed him and do his washing. So I suppose it was his way of showing me that he does care.

Things were a bit better for a few weeks, but then he just went back to his old self.

We just had a lovely weekend it was his birthday and I took him shopping to buy some gifts, we went for a nice meal, got on really well.I raised the subject of the future and it's all come tumbling down again. He's decided that I'm not happy as I'm always 'at him' about moving in or getting married. He needs some space as he can't see how it's going to work. With him this usually leads to weeks of not speaking until he decides he misses me and got it all wrong.

He left a few things here at the weekend and has snuck back in while I was at work to take them. He doesn't have a key and he'd actually snuck my back door keys out so he could get in when I wasn't here. I've also found out he's had the week off work and made out he only ahd the day off, probably because he was scared I might have a few days off too.

I don't know what more I can do to make this man happy, I'm a nice person, I'm kind and I love him very much, I think that I'm attractive and I'm sure he finds me attractive, we have fun and lots of laughs, we've lots in common, we get on well generally and I feel a spark as in we always have lots to talk about and we're very affectionatte to one another.

I can't be doing with the games anymore, all I want is a normal life together but he seemingly doesn't want the same as me. He has a new issue with me every few months. It's getting ridiculous, my dc has started missing him terribly when he goes home and even crying for him.

I have to call it a day don't I? But I don't know how to stay strong.

Well it's the first night of starting on my own, again. I suppose it should feel good but it doesn't just feels completely empty.

It's the FIRST night.
It will feel a bit weird. Take it one day at a time until very soon you will be free.
Did you change your number/block him?

i have one strong woman in my life, me, apparently

now i'm not very good at bigging myself up, but like you have got through the first night and plenty more after.

i lack strong women rolemodels, but when i look at my dd, i can just see and feel what is truly right and what is just wrong.xx

my ex dh left me ten yrs ago and i thought i would never get up again, but i did. xx

Thanks, the worst bit of it though is I've been here so many times before. You'd think it would get easier or I'd know it was coming or how I'm going to feel.

I hate him for doing this to me and I hate myself for letting him.

I look back on this thread just over a month ago and I remember feeling so determined, so determined it was over. All those lovely posters I chatted to, I'm sure I felt better then.

I think I might just actually be back to square one as right now all I can think of is how it's my birthday soon and the plans we'd made, ans how I'd booked a stupid bloody afternoon tea for us at a hotel and how much he'd like it.

I'm hoping someone can answer a question on how concerning something is. It's relevant but also irrelevant in the big scheme of things. But if it's as bad as I think it might be then it might get my anger/determination levels up.

Basically ex told a lie about dc. And its probably not the only time something similar has happened.

We were getting ready for a party. Dc knows I iron his clothes before he puts them on. Ex p never irons unless I asked him as a favour. I was having a shower and dcs clothes were not ironed but on the bed. We were all rushing and when I came out of shower dc had got dressed. I said 'dc I haven't ironed your things yet you'll have to pop them off'. I asked p how come you got him dressed already. P just said 'oh dc just put them on, I told him not to but you know what he's like'.

It didn't even matter only that we were rushing and no more was said, it was just one of those chaos morning conversations.

But dc blurted out, you're lying p, you told me to get. dressed, I told you mummy hadn't ironed my clothes but you said it was ok.

P admitted he lied but just laughed it off.

Thing was it didn't even matter about the clothes, but why lie about ds?

I don't think it registered with me until I mentioned it to my sister and she thought it was really awful.

Because he's a compulsive liar Mousey.

You can do this. You can do it for your DS and you can do it for you

Clean break. No contact. What are your living arrangements at the moment?
Could you and your DS move and make a fresh start? Is it something you could work towards? You may be completely happy and settled of course where you are, but if he feels he has the right to swan in and out as & when he decides to come and mess with your head and heart yet again, a clean break and a move might break the revolving door.

He lies for fun, and hurts your dc's feelings very lightly and easily. It is awful.

Well done to your DC for standing up to him, and calling him on it.

Wow I would take that as more proof that you have done the right thing. It also shows you that you could never actually trust him and especially so with your dc. Lying so blatantly to you in front of your DC is disgusting and I doubt you would want your DC picking up the same bad habits now would you.

Hopasholic, I'd love so much to move away. Make a fresh start from all this, but practically it wouldn't be sensible. Dc is settled into a good school. I'm renting from family my rent is cheap/house is great. And also I have family close enough by, I have a flexible job.

What's driving me crazy is I dint know what he's going to do next. I've heard nothing so perhaps this is really it for him? Or perhaps I'll have another battle on my hands sometime soon.

My mum has this theory that he just wants a part time relationship, to see me and dc as and when he fancies company. She thinks when he decides he wants his 'respite' as she jokingly calls it, he arranges an argument so he can go off, then come back when he's ready, she reckons that's why he'll never collect his things etc

This is where I'm not very good at taking control. Last time this happened I was able to say it was over properly, dot the I's. Yes I let him back in but now he's just kind of orchestrated an argument. I didn't bite I just said 'well if that's how you feel it's best its over and I'd sooner not hear from you again'. He basically just carried on though about how I'm horrible to him and pushing him ans not letting him take his time. I went to sleep and that was it, I've heard nothing.

Hello Mousey. This "battle" thing. What kind of help do you need here? Because it seems, from the outside, very simple - you just need to not let him in your house, change your locks, don't answer his calls, dump his stuff on the driveway and call the police if he harasses or stalks you. Stop talking to him, stop analysing him, stop dealing with him, stop thinking of any of this in terms of a battle you have to somehow "win" so he'll let you go.

I say it seems simple. There's obviously something about this process that you don't find simple. How can we help you with that?

It's one thing for you to drip around after this complete arsehole if - for whatever psychological reason - that's what you want to do.

I can't understand it personally, and if you could read your own posts with a rational head, you wouldn't either.

But to drag your children into all this, to the extent that they're getting upset, is unforgivable.

FFS

Your mum is right and so is MadBusLady.

You need to mean it this time Mousey, he is grinding you further and further down. Think of one practical thing you can do today to move forward.

If you are happy with where you are perhaps getting the locks changed could be the first step.

( from a recent thread depending on your type of door this is aparantly an easy thing to do yourself, have a look on YouTube) and do check with landlord first.

Gosh, I know I sound ridiculous don't I?

I 'think' I want a neat and tidy ending. I think I want him to just be straight and admit he doesn't want what I want etc, and we both close the book so to speak.

Without that it so hard for me to stop questioning.

I know this is not right for dc. I know that. But there have been times where I've felt some kind of pressure to make it work because I thought he's all dd has known. Ds gets upset because he wants ex p to be here. But I realise now it's completely unworkable.

I have tried to end this, but at the time that would have involved a actually calling the police. But perhaps that is what I will have to do.

'dc' has ever known.

I have lurked on this thread and think you are going round in circles. When I had counselling to help me leave an abusive man my counsellor told me to stop analysing him and concentrate on my needs.
I will echo it
FFS STOP ANALYSING HIM.
Re your previous post: Close the book yourself.
Stop ENGAGING with him.
Change the locks and do what you have to to protect yourself and your DC from this unhealthy man.
Get some professional help or from a voluntary organisation, if there is something in your area.

Thanks both, truly.

In terms of myself, perhaps fear of being alone? I haven't really been since I was 19 so 10 years, apart from a brief 6 months between the two relationships. And even then I wasn't totally alone.

The thoughts of being properly single are scary as I crave physical affection and just someone there (an adult), which I get even though my needs are not being fully met.

Knowing I'm going to need to do some work on myself to get to the root of my bad choices with men.

None of these mean I'm saying I want to stay in this farce, but reasons why I find it difficult.

that's why he'll never collect his things etc
This is your first step.
Pack all of things into black bin bags ASAP.
When you know he will be out - drop them onto his doorstep and leave quickly.
Done!
And like others say - make this YOUR end! Who cares if he thinks it's over. It's over for you and that is all that matters.
Stop the cycle right now.
Good luck.

Do you have clear in your mind the current status of things OP?

Are you currently ended as a couple or is it not uncertain?

Is he still visiting your house and being let in?

I ask these questions because I get the impression you're so confused and have had such an emotional battering that you don't actually know what's happening at the moment. Without knowing that, it'll be difficult for you to seize control. It'll even make it hard for you to get clear in your mind what you want.

Erm, putting aside the fact that it should have ended ages ago, I don't really know.

I've just been plodding along but feeling quite low in myself as knowing it wasn't really right. But he's orchestrated an argument via text on Tuesday night, hasn't said its over as such just that I'm being horrible putting pressure on him when he should be able to do things in his own time. I said we'll if that's how you feel we will split, bla, bla and I've heard nothing since. But he has form for this then coming back saying sorry 2 days, weeks, months later.

So I don't know whether in HIS mind it's over, or what he's thinking.

But as the pp's are rightly saying it's where I need to take control of my own life and take the physical and emotional steps to shutting it down for good.

So I don't know whether in HIS mind it's over, or what he's thinking.

That's the thing, you don't need to know what's in his mind. If it is over in your mind, then it is over.

Is there any reason why you can't get the locks changed? And then make sure he isn't able to get hold of the keys to have duplicates cut?

This is relatively straightforward, it would give you some control by removing from your mind doubt as to him having free, and possibly unwanted, access, and it would be a concrete achievement to put against the swirling confusion of uncertainty.