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Original poster

Help with affair

46 replies

Hurtandbetrayed · 15/05/2013 14:37

I discovered at Christmas my husband was having an affair with someone i believed was my friend...
I confronted him and he claimed it was just flirty texts so i agreed to stay and work at it. Something he said a couple of weeks later made me question his 'flirty texts' story so i questioned him again and he admitted to meeting her once and having phone sex once. I again agreed to stick around but I didnt believe the phone sex bit (he's really shy and ive tried on numerous occasions to get him to try it but he just goes all shy and cant do it) but despite me asking him lots of times he still stuck to his story.

After a couple of months i felt we were just papering over the cracks so i asked him to talk to me about what had really happened. he still stuck to his story so i told him i was going to contact the 'other woman', he said that was up to me so i did. I asked her a couple of questions then i questioned him again.... This time he admitted they had met a fair few times but only slept together twice. I agreed again to stick around and work at it (see the pattern emerging here?) anyway, to cut a long story short he keeps admitting just enough to pacify me but then i re-check something and find out it was another lie! I've told him that if he cant be totally honest then it has to be over because i cant move on untill i know he has told me the complete truth. He says he's scared something he says will make me leave and hes trying to pluck up the courage to talk. I understand that and have been very patient with him up to now but nearly 5 months on from me discovering the affair he still doesnt seem any nearer to talking....
I cant imagine my life without him but i honestly cant stay stuck on this emotional rollercoaster for much longer. I need and deserve answers. How much longer do i give him before i walk?

OP posts:
Original poster
Hurtandbetrayed · 15/05/2013 14:39

Forgot to add, he's admitted the phone sex story wasnt true so my instincts on that were right.

OP posts:
AuntieStella · 15/05/2013 14:42

Probably none.

Seriously - you're in a hellish situation and he isn't even treating you with basic respect. I suggest you ask him to leave, so you can have time and space to process such information that you have and work out if you actually want to be with him.

And I'd make any attempt at reconciliation conditional on a full and frank confession from him, plus answers to any further questions you have. And that your reconciliation isn't guaranteed even once the truth is on the table, though out of the question unless it is.

Sugarice · 15/05/2013 14:45

I'm sorry but I would walk and not give any more chances.

He has constantly lied to you every time.

Are you sure the affair is even over?

Original poster
Hurtandbetrayed · 15/05/2013 14:49

Yeah the affair is definitely over. The only one of us in touch with the other woman is me and thats only for answers cos i cant get them from him. I know the stuff she's told me is true cos her husband has no idea the affair has taken place and as they live on my street i could go see him at any point so she has nothing to gain from telling me lies...

OP posts:
Original poster
Hurtandbetrayed · 15/05/2013 14:50

I feel so confused.... I want it to work but i want to walk away if that makes sense?

OP posts:
Sugarice · 15/05/2013 14:52

Do you have children?

FayeKorgasm · 15/05/2013 14:52

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I have been in a similar position so I can empathise.

You are right to trust your instincts. He is admitting to the bare minimum in the hope he can keep things ticking over with you. In truth, knowing all the details at this point is a fruitless task and probably not achievable. The key thing now is, can you live with a cheater and a liar?
You say you can't imagine living without him. What you mean is you can't imagine living without the person you thought he was. Unfortunately you already are. It isn't pleasant admitting this.

My advice from my experience is that the lack of trust he has created in you is going to affect everything you do. There isn't a day that goes by when you don't question every word or action looking for deciect. it is exhausting, depressing and kills off any self respect you have. I couldn't live like that and left. It was the best decision I ever made.

Good luck, be strong!

AuntieStella · 15/05/2013 14:55

If you want it to work, you need to bottom out both what he did and how on earth he justified it to himself. You simply cannot do this if he has decided that he will continue to lie.

Think of it as like a bullet wound. If you just patch up the entry wound, it can fester and the infection will kill you. If you dig it out, the damage can be extensive, and the scar will always be there. But you've got a chance of survival.

Doha · 15/05/2013 14:56

He is a cheat and a liar.
You know this and are prepared to sit around waiting for more bull shit to come pouring out his mouth.
He is to shy to talk but not to shy to stick his dick in another willing hole!!!! He has really done one on you hasn't he Hmm

More fool you.
I would have moved on long ago and booted his lying arse out the door.

Original poster
Hurtandbetrayed · 15/05/2013 15:02

Doha - I already feel like a fool and comments like that aren't really helpful!
Sugarice - yes, 16, 18 & 20 years old, still at home but they aren't his.
Thanks to everyone that has replied so far. Its such a relief to tell someone!

OP posts:
Sugarice · 15/05/2013 15:09

Have you been together long?

He's betrayed you and doesn't appear to mind constantly telling lies to you to suit his purpose. Please think of your self worth, do you really want to keep worrying where the next lie will come from and when?

What's the house situation, owned, rented and in joint names?

Original poster
Hurtandbetrayed · 15/05/2013 15:10

Together 14 years, married nearly 9.
House is council rented, has always been in my name as i lived here before we got together.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/05/2013 15:10

I think if you genuinely want this to work you have to make him leave first and then work on the truth and reconciliation process. He's not being honest now for whatever reason, there are no consequences to his actions and all you're left feeling is frustrated and foolish. Provide the consequences... salve your self-respect, impress upon him how serious you are.... then work back from that. You may find that he is suddenly honest or you may find that you aren't too bothered about reconciling. Either way you make progress.

Doha · 15/05/2013 15:11

Well then go speak to OW face to face and ask her to tell absolutely everything that happened on threat of telling her DH if you find out she has lied or omitted anything.

Then sit down with your H and say this is his last change to come clean and admit everything. See just if what he tells this time tally's with her story.

If he omits anything---well get him the fuck out your life, you deserve better OP and to have around for 5 months spinning you lies is awful.
I would have flung in the towel months ago.

Original poster
Hurtandbetrayed · 15/05/2013 15:16

Thanks Doha, thats much more helpful.
I don't trust myself with OW face to face... i've been texting questions at her and already told her that if i find out she's lying i'll go see her husband
I do know you're right, many would have walked away by now!

I possibly should have added that this is a little more complicated as i am disabled and worry how i would cope physically and financially if i send him packing - i feel very financially tied as i am unable to work :( but i do know that shouldnt be a basis for putting up with his lies....

OP posts:
Mosman · 15/05/2013 15:19

All I can say is from experience, I buried and tried to move on, work on things in 2004 when the father of my children had a relatively minor episode and it esculated to a full blown affair, basically because he knew he could get away with it and even if dumbo found out, well she forgave the first one didn't she so now the stakes are higher and she's even more invested in the relationship in his mind there was nothing he could do that would make me finish with him.
Get rid now and don't waste 10 years as I have that could be happy.

AuntieStella · 15/05/2013 15:28

Perhaps you would feel stronger if you researched your practical admin options and workout scenarios and how you would cope without him.

For although you are talking in terms of a reconciliation, it's not really clear that you are yet in a position to make that decision properly. It's better done from a position of strength - so you choose to be with him only because, despite everything, you want to be with him.

And the start point for that is knowing what he did, why and over what period. Only then can you weigh it against the former good points, and decide if there is enough left that's worth it.

lolalou22 · 15/05/2013 15:28

Its all very well for people to say oh id leave the cheat in a heart beat....once a cheat always a cheat. unless youve been there yourself its impossible to say what youd do. ive been cheated on and it wasn't nice luckily no children involved and i did leave him i also quizzed him and asked Que to try and trip him up but he remained tight lipped was only when i asked why? That i started getting answers that i didn't like and realised what i already knew it happened because we weren't happy it was already finished between us instead of being straight with me he cheated.

Original poster
Hurtandbetrayed · 15/05/2013 15:28

"Think of it as like a bullet wound. If you just patch up the entry wound, it can fester and the infection will kill you. If you dig it out, the damage can be extensive, and the scar will always be there. But you've got a chance of survival"
Excellent description!

OP posts:
Original poster
Hurtandbetrayed · 15/05/2013 15:33

I've asked why and the story has varied... cos i'm ill, cos he didnt think i loved him, cos she threw herself at him, cos they were 'text friends' but i didnt know and she blackmailed him that she would tell me....

I'm reading my posts back to myself and "IT'S OVER AND YOU KNOW IT!" is screaming back at me from the screen......

OP posts:
Rulesgirl · 15/05/2013 15:34

The best advice on this thread is to tell him in a rational adult way that you want him to move out as you are not sure how you feel about what has happened and about him and you need time on your own to think about things. Honestly, the time on your own in your own space will do you the world of good. You will feel a sense of relief that he is not there and will have some peace for the first time in 5 months. This should make him see sense and if he really wants you then he will be moving mountains to win you back. You also need this space to feel that you can be on your own if you need to and that you are not a victim. Maybe in the next month or so you can suggest that he date you so you can test the waters of how you feel. Good Luck. These things don't have to be the end but can be a turning point in the relationship which can go on to be even better than it was before. Smile

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/05/2013 15:42

You have been, really without noticing, training him to lie to you. He tells you a lie, you stay, he admits it was a lie, tells you another lie, you stay, he tells you another, you stay. If he had told you everything at the beginning, you would probably have thrown him out. Would you?

As others have said, get him to move out for a little while to clear your head. Check out your finances and if there is any support you can access. See how you feel. You might feel a whole lot better.

AnyFucker · 15/05/2013 15:46

He is a manchild, that much is clear

he hasn't even got the guts to tell the truth, and reverts to blaming you

He has the emotional intelligence of a 3yo, and for that reason you need to walk away

who wants a romantic relationship with someone so stunted ?

youn can do an awful lot better than this...being alone trumps having to swallow your self respect for the sake of a relationship with a man like this

Original poster
Hurtandbetrayed · 15/05/2013 16:06

lol @ 'manchild' !!

OP posts:
Ahhhcrap · 15/05/2013 16:58

This could be my story Hmm 3 years on and I'm still not sure is the truth.
I have good and bad days, some days I think we are ok, others I hate him still.
He only ever told me what he could get away with. First it was an ea then flirty text, then he'd met her once, right up to he'd had sex with her twice.

Believe me it will eat you up unless you have all the info you need to process it.

Make him talk or leave, the alternative isn't a great place to he.

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