Am I overreacting?

[mrsericnorthmaniwish]

I have posted on here a lot recently-not having a nice time and I find this site very helpful so I am back again:) after nearly 12 years married 3dcs I have started divorce proceedings.its taken years for me to finally do it and I am scared:( I am sahm. I have discovered that our marital home,which is in his name only,was bought by h and a member of his family,they have a legal document specifying each others share. I knew nothing of this,I understood there was a loan which h has been paying back but nothing about the legal agreement or amounts of money in it. This has made me even more determined to proceed-he never thought to mention this agreement to me,I may not have put in the pot towards the house but its been our home, my home and dcs.it was done during our marriage to protect h,how little faith he obviously had in us:( I am not after money,never have been,I am here now cause I just can't continue and this has upset me even more. I am worried that dcs and I will end up with nothing:( does anyone understand how I feel or am I overreacting?

Of course you're not overreacting. There are few things worse than discovering your spouse has been deceitful and keeping things from you. Going behind your back an is incredibly insulting and offensive whether it's about money, other women or nasty habits like gambling. You have every right to be furious.

You're going to need legal advice to get the full story on the house ownership and it's important you get your fair share of the marital assets because you need that to set up independently post divorce. It's not a question of being 'after money' which suggests something greedy or grasping, it's a question of being adequately compensated for your contribution to the marriage, making a future for yourself and being able to look after your DCs to the standard you expect. If he only owns half the property, for example, you're entitled to half of his half. If the house loan is solely in his name, that is his debt to settle, not yours.

Get a good solicitor specialising in Family Law... and remember. 'Show me the money'.

My solicitor has advised that I need to see the agreement and what it exactly says and go from there. Like I said, this is not a decision I have made lightly and I just want to move on with dcs and ensure they are looked after.his concern seems to be money and himself.glad you see my view- he should have told me at least, as it stands I feel I am nothing:(

You're not nothing, that's for sure. He may treat you as an irrelevance and have no respect for you but that's just because he's a crap husband and a very selfish man. You certainly won't be irrelevant once your solicitor has got hold of this agreement (if it exists, of course - he could just be bullshitting you). If it turns out there is no legal document and this deal with the family member was purely verbal then you claim half the property, half the assets and it's 100% his responsibility to work out how he pays this person back.

I understand how you are feeling.

Apart from loads of other things, my ex refused to have any life assurance so if anything had happened to him I would have had to sell the house etc. so me and our kids would have lost our home.

However, there was loads of insurance on me!!! :(

Thank you. I feel he has been very deceitful and gone behind my back. I appreciate it was his money but we are and were then married, we are supposed to be a partnership and I feel I really should have been told,but then we are not really a team at all which is why I am where I am

And it's not a small amount of money-it's over £100,000😮

It's an enormous amount of money and, more than that, it's your family home that you now discover is part-owned by someone else. You should not just have been told but consulted and involved in every step of that decision. It wasn't 'his money', the minute you got married it was 'family money'. He's one of those men who get married in name only and never think of themselves as 'we' just 'I'. What else is he not telling you?

He tells me very little when it comes to money,everything is desperate. What's his is his,yes he frequently refers to 'his' house- now I know why:( we will see what transpires as we are going to mediation- I see little point but I am going to be very reasonable and the children are my priority

I'm not convinced mediation is a good idea with someone who is so deceitful. I'm sure you are perfectly reasonable but that is not going to be very effective against someone as possessive as you describe. I think you need legal disclosure and fast or he'll squirrel everything away and then crack on he's got nothing.

Thats been a concern of mine but he wants mediation so I am going with it. What would happen to dcs and I if he makes out he has nothing? I want to stay in house until youngest dc goes to secondary school,after that they can do as they please:(

Mediation if done by solicitors will be to sort out the financial split and you are.entitled to a % of his share of the house.

They will look at what you both need to set up again on your own and award or negotiate accordingly. Of the dc's are to remain with you then you will prob get more than 50% of his share based on what my dp and his ex have just been thru.

Hth

Again... 'he wants'.... With respect, this is not the time to keep just going along with what he wants because he does not have your best interests at heart. If he takes advantage of the delay caused by mediation to get shot of his cash or assets (and some do this very successfully, especially if they have businesses) then you and your DCs will only get a share of whatever you can prove is left plus some minimum amount in maintenance.

This business of only part-owning your home. Already he's saying that the marital assets are only half the house, not the full house... so your share is only 1/4 of the house. I'm very suspicious of that personally (I could be wrong, I frequently am) but it sounds like he's got a family member to act as silent partner, precisely to prevent you from getting hold of the rest. He's a liar..... I don't think you can take anything he's telling you on face-value.

thank you cogito, i will bear all you have said in mind, i think you are proabably right in all your suspicions. i will see what i can do, no, he does not have mine or the dcs interests anywhere, he is thinking of him and these things are all making me realise i am doing the right thing for myself and dcs