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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

messed up situation

14 replies

maggie2112 · 14/05/2013 02:05

Hi, not sure if I've put this in the right place as it's a complicated one but maybe someone can help. Ok so I split up with my son's dad a year ago. He quickly got with someone else but told me he still loved me was gonna leave her blahblahblah... Anyway I fell for it and stupidly have continued sleeping with him for the last year. I recently found out that he has had a baby with her! I had no idea she was pregnant and I would have stopped if I had known but I believed everything he said like a fool and genuinely thought we could be together one day. So since I found out about the baby, he's been begging me to forgive him. Saying it was all a mistake and he didn't tell me because he didn't want to lose me and again I fell for it and in my messed up head I thought I could live with him leaving her in a few months when the baby was a bit older and we could actually have a future. He left her last night, earlier than planned and came running straight to me. Seeing the way he left her and was talking to her I suddenly saw him for what he is. I can't believe I've been so stupid and I'm racked with guilt. To top it all off the girl started messaging me tonight and we've bonded over what a horrible person he is and that our kids are half siblings. She wants to meet up and I feel like we could be friends - except I've been sleeping with her bf through their whole relationship. She's told me about him cheating on me which I didn't know. Should I tell her? Should I befriend her and let our children bond but keep it all quiet? But then what if she finds out another way? Should I keep my distance despite this potential relationship between our children? Please help someone - and please no nasty messages I feel very guilty and I really loved this guy, he's my sons dad and was the love of my life xxx

OP posts:

NatashaBee · 14/05/2013 02:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

maggie2112 · 14/05/2013 02:39

she doesn't he's a really good liar and made out to her that we didn't even get on. to clarify I don't want to tell her. I'd like to develop some sort of good relationship so that our children can get to know each other. I just don't want it to all come out (be it from him or one of his family members who all found out about us) and it ruin everything between the kids should they bond. Should I keep my distance from her? I feel so guilty and two faced, I feel so sorry for her now.

OP posts:

Lweji · 14/05/2013 06:25

Tbh, if you do want to bond, I think you should tell her.
She did tell you about his cheating on you with her.
I'm sure the excuses were similar.

Otherwise you'll always have to check yourself that you don't let her know, etc.

Orianne · 14/05/2013 06:42

He's going to tell her the minute he hears you are friendly. Tell her, but be prepared for the fallout.

Beckamaw · 14/05/2013 07:29

You don't mention what you are going to do about your relationship with him.
My point being: he has been a shit for quite a while, but you have continued to engage with him. He ran to you, but where is he now?

If you plan to continue sleeping with him, it is absolutely unacceptable to try and forge a relationship with her and mess with her head. If you plan on finally cutting him loose, potentially you have scope to build a friendship. It will be necessary to establish your loyalties, stick to them, and tell her the truth.

Dahlen · 14/05/2013 07:30

I would tell her. It will always be a Damocles sword over your friendship otherwise, and if your DC are going to bond, it shouldn't be there. Also, having it out in the open will hopefully add to your resolve not to have this waste of space back. Your children's relationship with each other has to take precedence IMO.

BabyHMummy · 14/05/2013 07:47

If you want a friendship with her and your children to know each other then you need to be honest from the start.

Explain what you have put here and beg her to.forgive you. If she knew what he was up to whilst still with you chances are she suspects anyways.

Good luck xxx

Kione · 14/05/2013 08:47

Agree, tell her but explain that you are telling her because you want to be honest from the start, and for her to forgive you, not to hurt her.

Vivacia · 14/05/2013 08:53

I agree, you've got to tell her so that she can make an informed decision about whether to be friends with you or not. Anything else isn't fair.

Original poster

maggie2112 · 14/05/2013 08:58

I don't think he would tell her, he still lies to me about times in our relationship when I absolutely KNOW he cheated. he can't ever admit he's done anything wrong.

OP posts:

FrebbieMisaGREATshag · 14/05/2013 09:00

If you don't tell her, someone else will.

And it would colour her decision to be friends with you or not.

Just because he's a liar, don't make yourself one.

Original poster

maggie2112 · 14/05/2013 09:05

The relationship with him is absolutely over I have no intention of ever touching him again! Yes I've been stupid all this time but when faced with the other side of it and hearing all the nasty things he's said about me and all the times he cheated (not with her apparently, before she came along) I want nothing more to do with him other than letting him see our son on the odd occasion he can be bothered. hes shown more interest In me than our son in the last year and she feels like he loves our son so much but not her daughter.

OP posts:

Original poster

maggie2112 · 14/05/2013 09:15

Thank you all for your advice. I don't want to admit that I may be the reason he left her, I don't want to hurt her more than she's already hurting. but I guess you're all right I made a mistake and I've got to deal with the repercussions. You're right it wouldn't be fair to let her like me without knowing what I did. I suppose part of me very stupidly feel sorry fodder him too. all this time I've let him think he can come back to me when he feels like it and then when I finally left like I've begged him to for months, I decide I don't want him. To stop him having either of us (I know this sounds ridiculous) just feels like I'm being cruel and have done this to get back at him. Its a total lose lose, wrong wrong mess I've got into

OP posts:

SundaysGirl · 14/05/2013 09:25

I had one of these intense sharing sessions with someone when we both found out we had been lied to. TBH it helped for a day or two and then got complicated as we were both upset and because he was still playing us both off one another.

Another instance is that I am in contact with someone who was a partner to an abusive ex we both shared. For a long time most of our interactions were based on talking through what she had gone through and me supporting her with it all and it got to the stage where it felt like that was the only reason we were in touch. So we took a break and now our friendship is about much more than just this asshole ex we share. Mind you it was good to be able to swap notes as it reassured us both we had received pretty much identical treatment and validated it was not us but him.

IMO its best to be honest with her and then both of you take some time to just recover and heal, maybe stay in touch for the sake of the children and see if a friendship develops outside of all of this. Right now it is raw for both of you and you might do some intense bonding as a reaction to what you have both discovered, but that is not the best basis for a friendship. Maybe in time you could both be friends.

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