Marriage behind closed doors

[tawse57]

I was a bit surprise this weekend to hear of a couple I know being discussed, and whom I had assumed were blissfully happy, about how they apparently "absolutely hate each other" and have only stayed together because they cannot afford to live separately in the area that they now live.

In other words they are staying together for the house and the lifestyle. One of them, I forget which one, apparently knew within 12 months of getting married that they had made a mistake.

OK, I am not naive and I know that none of us know what goes on behind closed doors in a marriage, but when I expressed shock at the above revelation about the couple I was then swamped with stories of numerous other couples who are outwardly happily married but who privately do not like each other. Children or house often being the only thing that is keeping them together.

It has given me pause for thought and left me wondering just how many marriages are like this? How many couples portray an outward appearance of lovingness and happiness but who privately loathe one another?

Very sad.

badinage - no worries there!

but it's generally true - of the two in a couple, men tend to end up with a lower material lifestyle (if they don't leave to be with someone else who's income will make up the shortfall) and are less likely to be the resident parent so spend less time with their DCs post divorce, men are more likely to not just be sacrificing their marriage.

Obviously, if you've found someone else or are in a marriage that's truely awful, then it might be worth walking away from, but if you just don't love your partner, giving up your home, your DCs, your financial security on the off chance you might find someone you can be happy with is a big thing to do. If life isn't unbareable, then why not just stay and put up with it while DCs are at home.

Cogito - i think you are right as well that second marriages tend to be more thought through. And obviously, second marriages are by their very nature, of older people who have a better idea what they want from life and more realistic about how things work.

"If life isn't unbareable, then why not just stay and put up with it while DCs are at home."

Because life should be more than just 'not unbearable'... All the time you' stay and put up with it' that's putting the rest of your life on hold and you're missing opportunities, not necessarily to find the love of your life, but to just make a future for yourself. It's also really stupid to think DCs don't twig that they're living in a home with two people who don't love each other. And that's a whole barrel-load of potential damage...

No - all the facts actually show that women have a lower standard of living after divorce. This is because women still earn less than men, are more likely to take career breaks, be the resident parents and lose pay and career momentum as a result.

Whereas NRPs (of whom most are men) can get away with the paltry amounts dictated by the CSA that go nowhere near a child's living costs, can continue in their jobs and careers without childcare costs and have more child-free evenings and access to a social life where they can meet someone new who also earns money and has her own property.

My H and I separated last year. It was my decision - I'd been unhappy in the marriage for a few years.

Most people (expect my family and close friends) were gobsmacked. I'll admit now that I put on an act. I am a naturally friendly/happy person and felt like I'd be letting people down (especially our DCs) if we split.

It got to the stage where I just couldn't live a lie anymore and I realised that life is just too short. The number of friends who have since confided in me how unhappy they are in their marriage is unbelieveable. They are staying for DCs/financial reasons/have OM that keeps them happy outside of the marriage. Sad but true.

Ditto chocmallow's post, although mine was over two years ago. Not even my best friend guessed their were problems. Another friend wailed at me "But you guys were the forever couple" (in our social group) and out of everyone, only my PIL were unsurprised. Other people's reactions to our split were extremely telling!

Thanks for all the views.

I think dp and I are the opposite - dp is a heavy drinker and I suspect he has Asperger's so social situations are difficult and probably leave people wondering why the hell we're together. In private we're either laughing or shagging.

If we split up, I would not see my kids. I am wohm and he is sahd

ergo........

we have been married for 15 years and together for 25 and AFAIK we are happy. No pretence here. Quite a lot of work related and child related slog, but when we are alone we have a hoot. Maybe we are unique, but I suspect not

chocmallow, were you depressed?

I think it's more fluid than being blissfully happy or the other extreme. In my experience, marriage goes through cycles - periods in which we drive each other crazy and I wonder what I ever saw in him, followed by periods in which it all seems to fit together and we get on brilliantly.

I think there is always some compromise - I would be suspicious of anyone who said they had the "perfect relationship". At the end of the day, it's not helpful for anyone to expect that all of their social and emotional needs will be met by one person. However, you should feel that your life is somehow enriched by being married to your spouse - otherwise, what's the point.

DH and I have been together 18 years. We rub along pretty well most of the time. We have good patches and bad patches. I don't know how our marriage would be perceived by others. I think my parents have seen us at our best and worst! My closest friends know quite a lot. Who know how we look to the rest?!

I have been in a close knit group of six couples for the last decade or so.

Three and a half years ago my xh left and 2 other females from the couples went into some detail about they both would like to end their long marriages. They are all still together though and it never gets talked about much now but I doubt things have changed.

I have just spent the evening with these 5 women and had this awful shadow hanging over me "Why am I the only one in the room whose DH left her". I dont know where this came from but its making me so upset.

Yet I know 2 of them are living a lie, not hating one another but a false unhappy life. I must be at a low ebb to want to count myself among them rather than be me today

Agree with Jinsei.

The thing is, few (if any) marriages or long-term relationships are always at the extremities; mutual hatred or blissful happiness, which is why I was focusing on what the OP said in his opening post. And I still can't understand how a couple who despise and loathe eachother can manage to persuade friends and acquaintances that they are 'blissfully happy'.

I also think that this is about capturing a moment in time.

Ask a couple who are frazzled with young children, sleepless nights, dual careers, money worries and house renovations whether they are 'blissfully happy' and if they're being honest, the answer is likely to be 'no, but we do love eachother and we know this phase of life won't last forever' or at a particularly sleep deprived moment 'Hell no, we argue and bicker all the time'.

Ask a couple who have established careers they enjoy, have few money worries, a great circle of friends who they get to see regularly and who have more time for uninterrupted sex and time together as a couple and the answer is likely to be much more positive.

And then there are those times when it's just 'fine' with odd highs and lows.

It just depends when you ask the question, but it seems odd to expect the answers to be the same all of the time because y'know, life happens and it's never the same all the time, so why should the relationship stay the same?