I think I am Broken, and not sure how to move forward :(

[Woebeg0ne]

Last summer I split up with my boyfriend of 3 years. Lots of factors involved, but to keep it brief, we had sort of lost sight of each other and where we were going.

From almost as soon as we got together I thought we would stay together, and looking back at photos I cannot imagine being happier than at those times. This makes me sound Romantic, and really I am not at all.

Since we have split up I cannot be happy. I feel as though I have been getting through each day rather than living it.

We have talked a lot over the last months, and I feel like finally we almost understood each other and managed to find each other again, but in a better way than before, where we can be completely honest and move forward.

We went away this weekend. He organised everything, and it was lovely. But somehow I could not let myself enjoy it. :(

I think I am incapable of having a 'normal' relationship. There is nothing he is not, or believes or wants that I think I want, and with him I have grown so much. there is something in my head stopping me I know that I cannot keep going hot and cold with him, as I do love him deeply, and he deserves to find someone who can love him properly.

I suppose I am just after someone to tell me how to break through the barrier in my head. I can be blissful for a few weeks, and then suddenly just want to run. I am not used to feeling out of control of my head. please help. :((((

I know this is so trivial compared to so many things on here. I am sorry.

Don't apologise. If you're unhappy you have just as much right to talk about it as anyone else.

What else is going on in your life? Are other things making you stressed? Do you have a supportive family around? Do you have good friends you can talk to about this?

Work is ok, but stressful.

I cannot talk to family as my father has been ill, and at the moment my mother has enough to deal with. My friends our mostly our friends, if you see what I mean, and I never really talk to anyone about Me. Apart from him, which is half the problem, as I obviously cannot talk to him about this. This is the first time I have not been able to rationalise my own problems.

If you never really talk to anyone about you, then I think you need to start as it sounds like there is a lot bottled up. Do you work for an organisation that has a counselling service? Is there any organisation local to you that offers it? (your GP can refer you for NHS counselling but that would probably involve a bit of a wait)

Do you live with your boyfriend? If not, can you withdraw a bit from spending time with him while you try and work through some of this?

Why do you think you're 'incapable of having a normal relationship'? Nothing you've said yet has made me think that.

We did live together, but I moved out when we separated. I now have a nice flat, so that is ok. I have seen him far far less, and we did have a few months of no contact, but when we started speaking again nothing had changed.

I just feel that I sabotage myself, somehow. That maybe I am refusing to let myself believe that everything can work, and so create problems where there aren't any.

Not that sort of industry, and not sure what I would say. I have always been a coper, which is why I now feel I am going a bit mad as I just do not know what to do.

Apologies if I sound blunt, by the way. I am just trying to answer quickly.

Don't put yourself under pressure to always 'cope' and 'rationalise'. You really do sound as if you need a space to open up to someone. If you have money to spare I would suggest looking for paid-for counselling. I have a friend who is seeing someone to discuss this very thing, the self-sabotaging, at the moment and she is finding it really helpful. Hers has been accessed via a university.

You sound very hard on yourself. It's OK to not cope sometimes or not know what to do. It's OK to be uncertain.

Does your boyfriend want to take the relationship forward more and that's why you feel pressured? Is he happy with things atm?

Like I said, you're very hard on yourself! You don't sound blunt.

I'm just going to put some washing out, so take your time with the next post..

If you're not sure whether you want to be with this man, if you have misgivings about him or the relationship - even if you can't specify or articulate what they are - then it is ABSOLUTELY OK not to be with him.

You don't need to have a reason to break up with someone. You need a reason to keep on being with them. It's totally ok to admit that you can't find that reason.
And it's also ok for those reasons to be entirely about yourself and nothing to do with them doing something 'wrong'. That is also important to remember.

He now wants to settle down, have children etc. My biggest issue when we were together was thinking that he was just passing time with me and would never marry me, and so I more or less gave up hope that there could be a future for us that I wanted. (This is based on a few comments early on 'why would I ever marry her?' and saying that his father had his first child at 50, and that is what he planned as well, said when he was 36, and me 25. We have subsequently discussed both of there occasions and he apologized profusely)

Somewhere, I do see your point. It just feels weird that having felt so completely right with him, until the abovementioned, that now finally everything seems sorted, or sortable, that it is now I have issues. Like happiness is a sort of forbidden fruit that I do not think I deserve.

And also, how do I go about making it ok not to be with him? I have an active social life, and plenty of interests, and friends, but somehow when I am not going home to him life feels flat somehow. And when I do not hear from him I still miss him, even after so long. Which is very unlike me. Previously I have been able to switch off completely.

It feels as if to be without him I have to completely relearn how to be an adult. But how?

Maybe before, his commitment issues blotted yours out, and now he's over them, you have realised that actually you have some issues of your own consider. Did you really want to get married earlier, or was it what you thought you should want, or thought you as a woman should make the reluctant man want?

Or, maybe it's the other way round and you have held back your feelings for ages, because of all this reluctance, and now you feel you should be able to relax and go along with his enthusiasm but you can't do so.

You definitely need to talk this through (with a professional) and to not rush into anything. There's plenty of time. Even if he's ready to settle down, he is going to have to wait for you - you don't have to go along with it if you're not sure. Let yourself be uncertain for a while. It's not a crime, and it's much better than making a decision in haste.

I'm off to bed now as v tired but will check back tomorrow.

Hmm. I feel it is what I wanted earlier, and not to have a wedding, but to be a partnership together looking forward. I grew up in a fairly unconventional house, only child with a mainly absentee father, whereas Ex had the complete opposite - 2 parents and a sibling, which is what I want in my own future life. It might be overanalysis, but I wonder if I am somehow preconditioned to try to recreate my parents own disfunctional relationship, rather than have a full-time partnership myself.
If it was meant to happen, it would not be so difficult?