Depressed DH - or just a lazy bugger?

[Baggsie]

My DH woke me up early this morning to tell me he was depressed. This follows being woken up at 5:30 yesterday morning when he rolled in drunk from a night out.

The thing is, I just don't believe him. It seems to be a convenient excuse to do what he does anyway I.e. lie on the sofa every evening and weekend with headphones in ignoring family life.

I am not a particularly empathetic person and my patience has worn out already. After a day of moping about looking like a kicked dog he took himself to bed at 8 and I snapped at him and told him I wasn't going to put up with it for long. I get that this isn't the best approach for someone with depression but really, he has nothing to be depressed about so I am finding it hard to have sympathy.

I don't think it is ok for him to make the rest of the family feel bad because of his issue. Am I being super mean? He says he wants to feel loved and have affection but I am an introvert and it creeps me out even thinking of that. He says he will go the docs.

I'd wait to see if he actually goes to the doctor's.

I'd also tell him that alcohol exacerbates depression and he'd be better off avoiding it, and that exercise is helpful so he should get out for a run.

In fairness to him, depression isn't based on 'having something to be depressed about', it's a condition that can affect any of us. But I can appreciate your scepticism when it is manifesting itself in him doing exactly what he wants to do anyway.

That's good that he will seek treatment. You have baseline of his past behaviour..has he always been like this since you had a family? What were things like before?
Depression is often, but not always, caused by negative life events. Sometimes it's a chemical imbalance that kind of laid dormant before. Or it's both. What have you felt about him when he has had illnesses in the past, sympathetic but realistic, or just irritated? ( I am a bit of a rubbish pseudo nurse, myself!). Thinking on this might help you work out of there are changes in attitudes and dissatisfaction on both side, or something more.

Ever since we had kids (8 yrs ago) things have been different but we are complete opposites so frustrate each other. He is idle, I am not. His apathy at home makes me feel ill will towards him so we co-exist but in fairness I probably wouldn't stay if it weren't for the kids and for financial reasons. God, that is bad writing that!

Ironically I have flirted with depression in the past when I felt life had no purpose other than working but I did something about it and took up running and now we have the kids too. He had a spell of depression about 10 years ago and had counselling which helped so I suggested he do that again. I can't remember if he had drugs that time.

He has had a stressful period at work with his job ending recently but he found a new one in advance of that, a massive promotion too. I find it endlessly annoying that he is apparently fully functioning at work yet switches off as soon as he gets home.

I made lots of suggestions this morning that would help him get out and make new friends but he shot them all down which I guess is exactly what a depressed person would do.

Maybe he is confusing unhappiness with depression. I would be very unhappy if I lived with someone who was creeped out at the thought of affection.

Do you like him? Do you love him? Do you understand that most people do need affection from their partners?

I just want to sleep when I'm depressed.

What do you mean by affection?
Being introvert does not preclude affection.

We are a family of introverts and we can be affectionate.

It doesn't sound like the best atmosphere, and if you are visibly irritated by his presence, perhaps you are not the best placed person to encourage him to expand his social wings. Maybe a counsellor can help him tease out what is fundamentally wrong, maybe your own counselling could help too?