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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Why does abuse escalate after children?

40 replies

BonaDrag · 11/05/2013 23:01

This has happened to me; severe verbal and emotional abuse.

Looking back it was always simmering but so, so much worse and more frequent since DD(1).

Any ideas why?

OP posts:

butterflymeadow · 12/05/2013 21:15

Yes, a very insightful thread, thank you.

PurpleThing · 12/05/2013 23:50

This shows itself too when you are ill - abusers don't cope very well when their partner is ill, they get frustrated, are impatient and basically act as though you've gotten ill on purpose just to inconvenience him.

Yes! This!

SgtTJCalhoun · 13/05/2013 00:01

The explanations on here are amazing, so insightful and describe my ex and my Mum to a tee.

mathanxiety · 13/05/2013 06:10

mrsericnorthmaniwish · 13/05/2013 06:37

Wow,I am not alone on this one then.my h has frequently whined that he comes last(3kids and some animals))moans there is nothing left for him, if I have been up with the children he will think nothing if expecting it at 5am then gets cross when I ignore him:( I ended up in hospital not long ago, I had some blood taken and was crying like a child and he just sat there,I had an operation and when I got home it was back to normal with the children while he watched tv during bath/bedtime then sleeping in while I up for them at breakfast.his needs/wants come before us all as far as he is concerned.helpful thread-thank you:)

YoniBottsBumgina · 13/05/2013 09:43

My ex literally told me I had made myself ill once. Yes dear, I love throwing my guts up while trying to herd a curious 1 tear old away from the toilet. I definitely made myself ill on purpose.

SgtTJCalhoun · 13/05/2013 12:06

My ex used to tell me I was a hypochondriac and liked being ill. That I "put it on". In ten years of being with him I had norovirus ONCE and the odd cold. When I pointed this out to him he said "well what about when you were in labour, you made a right fuss of that!". Labour was 43 hours long with ds back to back, ending in emergency c-section and DS bruised on his head where he had been stuck and unable to progress.

maidmarian2012 · 13/05/2013 12:15

My ex became more violent and verbally abusive when I was pg. He thought id got pregnant on purpose, to trap him

I had told him I wasnt on the pill or anything and he said "What happens happens" etc.

He used to shout things like "I dont fucking exist in this house anymore!!"

He was bloody awful. He kicked me on two separate occasions while I was holding the baby. He punched me in the face while I drove alond one of the worst motorways in Northern England.

His drinking got worse, to the point whre he was drinking a 8 pack of Stella a night.

I was made to feel bad for not offering oral sex etc, I had a baby and house to run (He did absolutely nothing to help me) And I was obviously tired.

I finished him last year and It was like a weight had been lifted. Of course he went on a massive bender. Hes only just wrapped up that bender and acknowledging what hes done to me and he couldnt be nicer to me.

He was lovely when we met. Shy, quiet, very good looking.

I quickly realised that excessive booze made him monstrous.

That man nearly broke me, I invested myself emotionally in our relationship. I dread when he gets a new girlfriend as I would hate anyone else to be as scared as I was

maidmarian2012 · 13/05/2013 12:17

sgtcalhoun what a twat. Your labour must have been excruciating

SgtTJCalhoun · 13/05/2013 12:30

It really was maidmarian. I still boil with rage when I think of him saying that, which I suppose isn't very healthy.

Oddsox2 · 13/05/2013 14:07

Yoni you have just described what happened at the beginning of the end of my marriage to a T...

XxxxX

PurpleThing · 13/05/2013 19:23

maidmarian Booze doesn't make someone a monster, they have to have that inside them to begin with. Getting drunk lets their inhibitions down so they decide to 'give themselves permission' to behave badly. Lundy Bancroft is very good on explaining this. Don't let him use drink as an excuse.

Mine was also lovely, shy and sensitive when I met him. The transformation is unbelievable.

mathanxiety · 14/05/2013 02:26

It's very possible the shy and sensitive bit was the fakery, not the booze monster

Original poster

BonaDrag · 15/05/2013 21:04

I would advise anyone going through EA or VA to read Lundy's book. I recently did and it was both upsetting and weirdly comforting.

Realising the man is not who you thought he was and coupled with guilt about 'breaking up' the family is heartbreaking.

But it is possible to move on and be happy again. It's really hard, and a long process, but the alternative is much worse.

for you all xxx

OP posts:

phoenix2 · 17/05/2013 12:25

my p started EA and VA practically the minute i got pregnant. couldnt understand wtf was going on. it took me two dc's and five years and Lundy's book to realise what it is.
i second and see my exP in all of the posts. abusers are so complicated in some ways and so terribly simple in others. theirs motives are simple really - anything that affects them and their sense of entitlement even the slightest thing seems to give them them the perceived right to abuse their partner. they cant empahtise with pain/fear/illness -they only see themselves and their needs and feelings in every situation.

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