Was this reaction warranted?

[buaitisi]

I've recently been diagnosed with endometriosis and the past two days I've been in a lot of pain - crying with it this morning and yes, I've been feeling sorry for myself.
Last week too my doctor brought me in as my smear test came back abnormal - nothing too much to worry about now but I have potentially precancerous cells - the doc says more than likely my body will get rid of it on its own so I know I'm fine but I was stressed about it.

My h has been good throughout this, got up & took care of ds this morn when I was in pain and has said 'I'm sorry you're feeling bad' but doesn't really want to be around me, feel I'm annoying him.

Anyway this afternoon, I was with ds and I asked h to take a pic of us. He took it but it was crap, so I said something like 'aw you didn't even try to get a nice one'

Background is, all my family and friends are in diff country and I like to send them pics & vids of ds. I have hardly any of me with ds, I've asked h to take some and he's taken one maybe 6 times since we've moved here (3 years)

I know it sounds really trivial but my parents love getting them and it's important to me.

Explained this to h.

He got really angry, said I' don't do it cos you're always fucking whinging about it' I prob do cos he doesn't bother taking a good one and it annoys me I can't send it on to my parents then. I can hear I'm being petty as I write this

I admit I got pissed off cod he just turned from me and back to his iPad as I was speaking. I was trying to tell him it's important to me so I wish he took a little extra care.

He then followed me into the kitchen, came up in my space and started mimicking my voice 'oh photos'
He said 'you're a very fucking irritating person, you're hard to live with and you're always whinging, i know you're having a tough week but you need to get over it now'

Stormed off and threw a book on the table as he walked past. Down in the room now on his iPad.

I have been feeling sorry for myself, my pain with endo has knocked me out, doc's visit and missing having friends & family to talk to. I haven't leaned on him really except to tell him what was happening but he hates when I'm over emotional so I've tried to hide it.

Do you think I deserved to be called an irritating person? I know sometimes I do whinge but not that much (I think) - I don't know anymore.

Every time we argue about something he makes it so personal and tells me something new that's wrong with me.

Need some perspective

I feel for you OP, my XH never took photos of me, from our albums you'd have a hard time guessing who the DCs' mum is, as the only photos of me are taken at arms length by myself.

On the rare occasions he would take one (ALWAYS when I had asked, never at his own suggestion) he'd chop off my legs so I looked really short & stumpy or take it from a really unflattering angle or with my eyes half closed and if I moaned that i looked awful in it, he'd say "well if you're not happy with the way you look..." as if to say it was me being too fat or ugly that was the problem, not his crap photography or that fact that he only took one shot!

I know it takes a few shots to get a good one, so I always take several of the kids (& of him with them when he was here). Funnily enough we have hundreds of pics of every bike & car he has ever owned from every conceivable angle, inside & out!

I don't blame you for being annoyed, especially given what else is going on for you. I think you should explain that photos are an important way for your family and your DS in future to connect with you and that you would like him to be more accommodating when you ask him to take a photo (or several) so that you have some memories to treasure.

Oh god, he sounds even more like my ex now! Sorry

The bedtime thing is exactly the sort of issue i mean - he is manufacturing a situation where you have to raise it, then getting angry when you do. Which is a big problem as you can't solve it. That is not about how you speak etc, in my opinion.

he'll unload the dishwasher and reload it in way he thinks is right or refold towels the way he likes

That is not really being clean freak. That's either OCD or controlling behaviour.
As he couldn't be arsed to put you two in the picture, I'd go with controlling.

His not putting your DC to bed on time or properly, also sounds like an excuse for you to "whinge" at him and then him complaining that you are making him feel like crap.

I would normally suggest that you both talk over your expectations and find a middle ground, but somehow it does seem like it won't work.

What would it take to make you leave? Unfortunately, I suspect he'd need to be scared that you do.

Are we using EA to mean emotionally abusIVE or emotionally abusED? Big difference! I can't see how the OP could be seen as the former, but identify with the hints of the latter.

Thanks DoingIt, that's how I feel, of course I can get other people to take them but I'd love some of the ones that are casual at home doing everyday things, there are barely any of me and ds when he was a baby which I'm really sad about, only one of us when he was newborn that h took and I'm barely in it.
I've told him of it's importance to me, especially now I want to share them with family, he said 'ok I will' dismissively, then took out his iPad.
Haven't actually said anything about it for ages till today.

May I suggest you LTB.

He sounds godawful.

Can you go back to being nearer your family and friends and real life support?

Sorry x post with last few msgs, don't mean I feel like I'm emotionally abused

I don't know, sometimes I think if I was nearer friends & family this wouldn't be an issue as I'd be a bit stronger, less emotional.

He hates when I'm homesick or upset and I never, ever show him I am anymore. He says it makes him feel bad he can't help and that I'm blaming him for bringing us here away from them.

I've never suggested this but on the way over and the first few days here I was quite upset and he said my emotional side overwhelms him and he gets angry at me.

I kinda just keep it in, talk to my friends here now rather than burdening him with it

That is heart-breaking buaitisi That you don't feel able to show your emotions because it makes him angry. You may not feel that you are emotionally abused, but that doesn't sit happily with me.

Surely as a supportive husband he should want to know how you are feeling so that he can comfort you and help you find practical ways (e.g. sending lovely photos!!) for you to keep in contact with your family.

Sorry to say it, but the more I hear of him the more he sounds like an arse.

Slept in the spare room last night.
It's Mother's Day here, I got up with ds, gave him breakfast etc. H gets up gives me a card 'that's from my mother'
'I'm sorry for yelling last night ok?'
Said like its a challenge.

I told him I'm upset because in arguments he calls me all these things - an irritating person, a whinger, difficult to live with, demanding, weak, crazy - and it becomes all about what's wrong with me as a person rather than the specific argument or issue.

He said he hates the way I argue, I change the subject. Like last night when he was mimicking my voice I reacted and changed the subject to how he shouldn't be doing that.

My head feels like its going to melt, surely he changed the subject to that by doing it? I admit I reacted strongly to it by trying to walk away, said it was highly insulting and demeaning to me. He then followed me and said all the rest.

Anyway, today he just stood there with his hands on his hips and I just said I don't know what to say because it'll sound like I'm whinging and my heads a mess.

I'm upset but don't know if I'm justified in being upset with him.

I question everything I feel because he's told me so much that's wrong with me - that I'm over emotional and I'm making too much of everything

Lweji's point is valid... for all we know you could be emotionally abusive/difficult to live with yourself which would make his saying you are hard to live with justified.

None of us know, we are all just strangers on the internet.

But I doubt that. This is the clincher:

I question everything I feel because he's told me so much that's wrong with me

What you are describing is pathognomic of an abusive relationship - losing sight of who you are, what you think is right/wrong, questioning everything because of the insidious drip drip drip of criticism.

What you describe is not reasonable or acceptable, you don't deserve to be treated like this, he is the one with the problem. He sounds horrible.

Like last night when he was mimicking my voice I reacted and changed the subject to how he shouldn't be doing that.

You didn't actually change the argument. That was the argument.
But he doesn't like being called to attention on his behaviour.

I was open minded in the beginning of the thread, as we didn't know what the bad photo was and your reply could be annoying if it was a constant feature.
The clincher for me is that the victim analyses her/his behaviour and tries to act better, whilst the abuser keeps on doing it or makes it worse even if the victim is on "good behaviour".

You are perfectly justified in challenging the way he carries on with an argument instead of engaging the argument.
Don't second guess yourself on this.

You can go two ways.

You keep hoping he'll change and rise to the challenge every time he engenders an argument (taking a disgraceful photo, being an arse on mother's day) and keep second guessing yourself and go mad

You stop hoping he'll change, stop managing him, make a plan and leave for a happier life. In the mean time you detach and keep ticking the "why I should leave" list.
You could actually start twat bingo for your inner amusement.

"I'm upset but don't know if I'm justified in being upset with him. "

Fed up with everyone blaming you here.... Everyone irritates everyone else at some point in a long term relationship but swearing at you is unacceptable. Taking the piss out of you and mimicking your voice is unacceptable. Being accused of 'only doing it to make me feel crap' because you asked a father to look after his son's bedtime routine is unacceptable. Telling you that you do everything wrong - from the way you stack the dishwasher to the way you argue - is unacceptable.

I'm just seeing bullying behaviour here that you need to tackle very urgently.

It's very confusing because before I met him no one ever really told me how I am or the bad things about me.

I'm sure there were and are plenty of people who didn't like me and thought the same as him but I think everyone is like that.
Everyone has faults or quirks that people respond positively or negatively to but I don't think they need to know unless they're hurting someone.

It's just v confusing as no one knows me here longer than a year and I'm not sure if its him or the move that's knocked my confidence.

I find myself not really being me with new people as all his remarks on me are in my head. I'm very cautious and find it hard to make new friends whereas I defo didn't before, I stop myself thinking 'maybe I'm annoying now and I should be quiet' or whatever else he says about me.

If I was at home I think the feeling of being liked and loved by my friends and family would kind of balance out the effect of what he says.

I really don't know if I'm making excuses for him or not,

He's knocking your confidence. The 'test' of whether you're living with a bully or not - IME - is how you end up feeling about yourself. It's very clear you are doubting yourself, confused, you believe you're in the wrong, you think no-one likes you.... Your self-esteem is on its arse, basically.

I think the answer to your problem is two-fold. Somehow you have to make a massive effort to get to know new people, put yourself in social situations, make friends and generally widen your circle beyond him. It's going to take a big effort but you have to do this in order to restore some of your confidence. And second, you have to stand up to this man every single time, don't tolerate swearing, stop treading on eggshells and remind yourself that you are a strong, intelligent, capable woman & you can load the dishwasher however you damn well please....

I also have endometriosis (if you so wish I can give you details of a very good UK based website on this disease) but my DH was and is far more supportive of me that your H is and has been. This is all scratching the surface of deeper issues. He did not at all behave like your H is doing, your H is both unsympathetic of your problems and undermines your very emotional being. Emotionally he seems stuck at around 8, who died and made him king exactly?. Him standing there with his hands on his hips indeed.

Unfortunately you have met someone who is at heart emotionally abusive and at the very least is not above using power and control tactics (dishwasher being just one example, the photos being another) to get his own way. This is about power and control; he wants absolute over you and won't be happy until you are a shadow of your former self. He has you now where he wants you because you keep on doubting your own still sound judgment. I think he has knocked your confidence completely.

Thank you all for your responses.

They've really helped me see things more clearly.

After I last posted he did an apparent u-turn. Came up and hugged me, told me how much he loves me and can't imagine even a day without me.

I told him from his behaviour it seems he hates me as much as he says he hates me. That even if he doesn't mean it, what he says about me has stayed with me and affected my confidence.

He seemed horrified and ashamed, cried a bit, said making me feel that way was unacceptable and did lots for mother's day.

Later in the day he came up and told me he was looking into talking to someone, there's an organisation here who do family and individual counselling that he mentioned.

For the moment, I'm reserving judgement until an appointment is made.

Does that sound mean? I know he feels bad and he's expecting me to go back to normal & us to be best buds again now he's said sorry & I usually would & be really relieved but something is keeping me at a distance, am I being petty?

Thank you all again, I'm a little bit more confused now than when I first posted but not about me anymore, going to start taking steps to build up my confidence

"After I last posted he did an apparent u-turn. "

Sadly this is a fairly standard part of emotional bullying. The behaviour ramps up and ramps up and ramps up until the other person says 'enough', threatens to leave or something else drastic. Then it switches around to OTT affection, lavish gifts, promises to change, tears (!), best behaviour until the other person is placated enough to stick around, forgive and forget for a while. Then it's just a matter of time before the whole miserable cycle takes another turn and you're back to be called 'fucking irritating', accused of deliberately making your partner feel crap or whatever.

Do rebuild you confidence. Be wise to the mask slipping... it always does eventually.

Has he made any such appointment?. He perhaps has not.

I would not entertain the idea of family counselling with him due to his ongoing emotional abuse of you, infact it is not recommended in relationships where abuse has taken place. I doubt whether he will ever attend any such sessions. His problem, his responsibility. Remember this. DO not take ownership of his issues nor try to fix him.

Do take steps to rebuild your confidence, bear in mind he will not help you with that process.

Now he is doing the "nice" part of the abuse cycle but such a cycle is a continuous one. The mask will slip in time and he will revert to type; its too inbuilt in him to make proper change.

hi qualitysuggests, I know there are people who don't like me and I don't really care or think its any of my business, I was quite strong about this before I was with H.

What he's said about me coupled with knowing absolutely no one here when we moved has made me apprehensive about putting myself out there.

When I started working here I was having ibs due to nerves about what people thought of me, was I annoying asking for help etc. Nothing at all like what I was before.

I'm good at what I do and this overrode his voice in my head.

Cogita and Attila, thank you both. I'm hyper aware of the mask slipping and I think he senses this as the more I keep him at a distance, the more he wants to do for me.

I wasn't very clear about the counselling, he wants to go to individual counselling for him but with a family counselling service.

He says he realises it's all his issues.

Asked him today if he'd spoken to them and was told he didn't get a minute away from work. Plenty of time to get a haircut and buy a new phone though.

Thank you all for helping me see things more clearly

hi qualitysuggests, I know there are people who don't like me and I don't really care or think its any of my business, I was quite strong about this before I was with H.

What he's said about me coupled with knowing absolutely no one here when we moved has made me apprehensive about putting myself out there.

When I started working here I was having ibs due to nerves about what people thought of me, was I annoying asking for help etc. Nothing at all like what I was before.

I'm good at what I do and this overrode his voice in my head.

Cogita and Attila, thank you both. I'm hyper aware of the mask slipping and I think he senses this as the more I keep him at a distance, the more he wants to do for me.

I wasn't very clear about the counselling, he wants to go to individual counselling for him but with a family counselling service.

He says he realises it's all his issues.

Asked him today if he'd spoken to them and was told he didn't get a minute away from work. Plenty of time to get a haircut and buy a new phone though.

Thank you all for helping me see things more clearly