Dysfunctional families - my Mother

[HappyGoLuckyGirl]

Hi all,

I want to post here to see if I can clear my head and, I'm not sure...see my way forward?

The problem being is that my bad relationship with my Mother stems from a specific incident that happened 7 years ago, when I was 15, and even though it's still the base of the crappiness between us, what is happening now is not really linked to it.
But I fear if I don't tell the whole story then maybe I won't get the right insight into her mind and hopefully some resolution for myself.

I'm just so confused I don't know how to write and explain without coming across as self-indulgent, entitled, drama-lover, etc.

should I be as brief as possible or try and give the full story so that you will hopefully understand.

I was going to post in the stately homes thread but I didn't want to barge in with my huge mess if crap and deter from other people's stories and needs.

I think I just need some help

[Thanks]

Apologies for my typos and grammer. Currently suffering from pregnancy insomnia so I'm on my phone.

5 weeks til due date so I think it's mother nature preparing me for the future

just go for the whole story.

And post as much as you want in stately homes. Your story matters as much as anyone else's.

We're here to listen - and I second Jess's words

Okay, thank you. I'll try to include as much as possible without rambling!

When I was 15, I was raped by my half brother. He was 17. It was reported to the police and he was arrested. In the immediate aftermath of the incident, I know that he admitted it to my Mum because she apologised to me on his behalf.

In the weeks after his arrest (what I realise now) I was pressured into dropping my statement as members of my family kept telling me he was being battered by other men and that if he went to prison he would kill himself. So I dropped my statement.

He came out of prison and stayed with my Mum's Dad. In the months afterwards my Mum would say really awful things to me, some examples:

• "if he goes to prison then you are going into care and you will never see your family ever again."

• "if you had kept your mouth shut in the first place then we could have dealt with it as a family."

• "no one in the family believes you, you're a liar."

My Mum pretty much abandoned me to concentrate on looking after her son. I was primarily looked after by my Auntie, (Mum's sister) who I now have a brilliant relationship with and I adore :)

Anyway, pretty much since it happened my Mum's belief (whether she's in denial or actually believes this, I'm not sure) is that it was consensual sex between us both and that I lied and continue to lie now.

We've had many arguments about this and our relationship in general and there have been many instances where she has chosen him over me. I was thrown out at 18, while he was allowed to stay at home and there have been several instances of us not speaking for many months at a time due to me 'being difficult' or some derivative thereof. About 18 months ago she didn't speak to me for 7 months and went round telling family and friends that 'I was no daughter of hers.'

Fast forward to early October 2012, I found out I was pregnant. The first person I went to was my Auntie (roughly 10pm at night!). The next day, me and DP (who I have been with for 2.5 years) told everyone else. I told my Mum on this day too. She absolutely hit the roof when she found out I'd told my Aunt before her and a massive argument ensued.

The argument descended into my absolute resolution that my child would not be going to her house, as she still has her son living with her. Anyway, she had a massive go at me, telling me I was being ridiculous, I needed to get over it, I was causing disruption in the family 'again' for nothing, it was my actions that caused our 'situation' in the first place, etc.

She threw my scan picture at me (that I had given her) and said "take yourself, take your child and fuck off!". We haven't really spoken since but I've been told by family members and my sister that she has been being quite nasty about me and towards my child.

I text her and apologised (as per usual) and asked for an apology back and for us to work on our relationship but she just ignored my requests and carried on the argument.

It makes me sad because I will never understand her or her reasons for doing the many things she has done. I guess when she insults me or says nasty things about me, then it doesn't really affect me as much because I'm used to it. But the things she has said and the way she has acted towards my unborn child has me completely baffled and very upset. I don't understand why she does these things.

Sorry for the massive post!!

First of all >>>>>>

Secondly, I hope your dp is lovely. Lean on him. Unfortunately, your mother doesnt seem to think that she's doing anything wrong so its unlikely that she will change. She clearly has an idea that you should just be quiet so you can all pretend to be a happy family and nothing you can do or say is going to change her.

Concentrate on your family - you, dp and dc xx

Sad and horrible as it is, it is highly unlikely that your mother will change.
I am so sorry for what you went through, firstly in being raped and then secondly in being emotionally manipulated and abused by your mother for something that WAS NOT YOUR FAULT.

You have done nothing wrong here, your mother is highly toxic and will continue to be so if you allow her to.

I just do not think you can go to her for any if your needs to be met, and I know that is heartbreaking.

Have you had any counselling?

Honestly, the less you have to do with her the better. I really hope you have supportive DP

When you've been on the receiving end of dreadful, abusive parenting (and you have) then the emotional shit can really hit the fan when you have your own baby. You look at the little bundle in your arms and know that you could never ever treat him or her the way you were treated. The treatment you received becomes incomprehensible. It helps in a way, helps you to stop normalising what your mother did. But it hurts, it hurts a lot.

You sound as though you don't quite believe that your mother is as appallingly awful as she actually is, or that perhaps it is your fault, or that perhaps you have a duty to keep in touch with her. Stately homes is great - the reaction of a bunch of internet strangers to your story really helps with seeing things as they are!

Do you need to see her, talk to her, text her? Could you ignore her for a bit? Not answer the phone, delete the texts unread? You don't owe her anything, and your child will need protecting from her. Could you back off, a lot? Not participate in arguments, just refuse to engage?

I would guess that you need to grieve what you didn't have / don't have - a mother who really loved you, and who will love your child too. It is ok to be sad, to be thoroughly miserable over the lack of that, just like you'd grieve if you'd had a loving mother and she died.

But you are never going to be able to make your mum into that loving mother. Hooray for your auntie!

I'm sorry you've been so badly let down by your mum and that she continues to attack you rather than be a mother to you. But I'm glad you have a good mother figure in your aunt. If you went to your aunt instead of your mum then that's something your mum can blame herself for, not you.

You are not owe her an apology. It sounds like the other members of your family who reported that she's said nasty stuff about you know the lay of the land.

I'd recommend taking her at her word and fucking off out of her life. She's not bringing anything positive into yours and is unlikely to bring anything positive to your child's life. But you are lucky because you have your aunt to take on that role.