Not sure what advice I'm after really. Maybe just to talk to others who have been through similar.
I need to leave my husband (married 7 years, together 12). He has a history of compulsive sexual 'acting out', mostly online/text sex (including use of paid services). He has had profiles on dating/casual sex websites. Last year I found out about some inappropriate texts to a female colleague and most recently he's paid for private dances on a business trip. He has been through a very expensive, intensive therapy programme as he seemed to really, really want to stop ? although only because he thought I was going to leave him. I was going to leave, but I gave him a final chance because he seemed so committed to this therapy. He says he has not acted out for about a year (which was when I found out about the texts to a colleague, and was ready to leave), but then he came home from a work trip and told me about these private dances. He told me, without being prompted, because I have told him in the past that it is the lies which do the most damage. He thinks because he told me the truth straight up this time, there's no problem. He doesn't seem to see this as 'acting out' and thinks there's 'nothing wrong with it', mostly because he has colleagues who do this. I disagree. I appreciate him being honest, but a) I suspect there is still a lot he is/has not been honest about (I don't think I will ever get a full disclosure, he's ashamed of some of the things he's done and is an expert in self-denial), and perhaps more to the point, b) I think this means we have irreconcilably different beliefs about what counts as fidelity and commitment in a relationship. This, rather than whatever he did with some stripper, is the dealbreaker for me. Needless to say, if he had been totally honest about his views on this before we got married, I wouldn't have married him. I'm not into moralising, I appreciate people can have different views on fidelity and relationships. I've had a really good go at adjusting to his views and living with them, but I don't think it can ever work for me.
After giving him a final chance last year, I said I would give it a year. We have had some good times over the year. But I spend a lot of time fending off intrusive thoughts, wondering about who he?s done what with behind my back, who he might be talking to on his blackberry, whether he compares my (post- two big babies) body with the other women he's been with. When the thoughts come it gives me a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I need to leave because I can?t stand living with that feeling any more.
So it should be simple - I should just leave.
But I'm scared for 3 reasons.
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In almost all other respects we have always had a very good relationship. I have many happy memories with him. We're very close (although I admit, I feel the lying has tarnished this). Every night we go to sleep with our arms around each other. He tells me he loves me daily and I believe he means it (he compartmentalises and separates sex from love). Our sex life has always been good, weirdly, never badly affected by whatever else he has been doing elsewhere. I'm going to miss him and the intimacy we share, terribly. It really is like losing a friend (even though, I know he has not always treated me with the respect that a friend deserves). I'll be very lonely without him. I've loved him such a long time and we've grown into each other so much. I don't know if I'll ever feel this way about another person - it's a very big gamble.
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He thinks his views are normal and that I won't find another man who thinks more like I do. He thinks this is just what men do ? that seems to be what his friends tell him. What if he's right? Perhaps I do need to just accept his view that what matters is that he always comes home to me. Perhaps I will leave only to find that every other man I meet does the same thing. My first long-term boyfriend also cheated.
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I?m also scared because of the practical side. I have 2 very small children (2½ and 4 months - DD conceived as a result of some very ill judged hysterical bonding, but I don't regret her for a minute). At the moment I have no income other than MA. I'm busting a gut looking for a job (have just finished a PhD) but there is no way I can maintain our current lifestyle. We are not lavish but we have huge outgoings (mortgage, nursery fees) - H is a high earner but I will not be, especially working part-time. I do not want to depend on him for vast maintenance payments even if he is willing to make them. I know that I am much, much better than he is at being frugal but I just can't get the figures to add up - rents and house prices are very high where we live (and I really want to stay here for many reasons, including support networks). I'm just so scared that I'm spoiling my kids' futures because we will have to live in a tiny flat with at best a tiny garden, out of the catchment areas of the good schools, etc. I realise a nice house and good nurseries and schools are privileges - for myself, I don't care. But is it right to deprive my kids of these things just because I'm unhappy in myself, because I can't reconcile myself with my husband having his cake and eating it? After all he is a good father. He does loads of the domestic work and the kids adore him. I feel like I'm putting myself first, above them.
I want to do the right thing, but there doesn't seem to be a path which doesn't involve someone being hurt. Thanks for reading if you made it this far. I think I just needed to write it all down.