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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help me, I can't go on feeling like this

36 replies

Duckingpanels · 09/05/2013 20:41

I'm a regular poster but have name changed.

I'm fantasising about my BIL. My DH's brother. I know this is horrible, I feel awful about it but I can't help myself. I regularly see BIL as I look after my DNs 3x a week, BIL is a lone parent.

I think about him all the time, not about leaving DH just having sex with BIL. I am totally aware that acting on this would rip my close family apart but Im making myself ill feeling like this. I can't sleep or eat, I'm so infatuated. I don't think I'd be able to control myself if I were to find myself alone with BIL.

I know how horrible a person it makes me.

DH and I have not got a good sex life, he says he is tired, usually comes home from work then falls asleep. No intimacy, he doesn't hold or kiss me. Haven't had sex for 9 months.

OP posts:
LEMisdisappointed · 09/05/2013 20:44

The issue is between you and your DH, quite frankly, if your BIL was the milkman and he showed you some decency im sure you would be just as infatuated - because you are lonely and unhappy, not because you are some sort of trollop i hasten to add!

Are there other stresses going at the moment that are making your DH like this? Do you have children?

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 09/05/2013 20:44

Oh dear! You do know that you absolutely cannot act on your feelings.

I would start to try and repair the relationship that you are in. Have you spoken to your husband about how unhappy you are with your relationship?

Original poster
Duckingpanels · 09/05/2013 20:47

Yes, we have 3DC, BIL has 2DC. No other stresses I don't think.

I've tried to talk to DH, he says he does love me. Ive asked for some show of affection, even a hug and kiss when he comes home. he'll do it for a week and then it all goes back to normal. But he never ever shows it. I can't live with a sexless marriage.

OP posts:
Original poster
Duckingpanels · 09/05/2013 20:56

It femm

OP posts:
chocmallow · 09/05/2013 21:08

Oh OP you CANNOT go there!!

My infatuation led to an EA and although my marriage was over the discovery of it led to so much more pain.

This is your husbands brother!!! The fallout would be nuclear. Do you want to fix your marriage? Even if you decided you can't fix it your BIL is a total no-go area.

Dahlen · 09/05/2013 21:09

You need to tackle this on two fronts I think.

  1. Recognise that your infatuation with your BIL is mostly because he's available (lone parent) and he reflect what you desire with your DH (he's similar because they're related). It's not because BIL is particularly wonderful (though I'm sure he's lovely). Infatuation/lust/love are mostly a product of hormones and they are triggered more by how we feel about ourselves when we are with that person than they are actually by the person themselves. It's why so many affairs fizzle out when people leave their marriages for them and realise it wasn't true love they were leaving for but the false image they had of themselves when they were with the person they lusted after. Keep rationalising that and, eventually, those hormones WILL pass and you will be able to look at BIL wondering what on earth you were thinking of. You'll be very glad then that you didn't give in to them. Wink
  1. Recognise that your marriage is leaving you feel deeply unfulfilled at the moment and it's time for drastic action. That means making your DH's life uncomfortable and spelling it out to him in no uncertain terms. Far less uncomfortable for him to learn you are deeply unhappy than it would be for him to be served divorce papers or find you having an affair. Don't just have a rant - ask him for his input about where he thinks you've gone wrong as a couple and what he would like to do about it - but make it very clear that your marriage is in dangerous territory and it needs saving NOW.

Good luck.

CrapBag · 09/05/2013 21:19

Could your BIL or anyone else have your kids for a night and you and DH go away, talk and just spend some time together? Sounds like you are feeling very neglected, your DH is over tired so not in the mood and you are projecting your feelings onto the nearest available male.

Can you try and get your DH to talk about the lack of sex when he is not so tired? Obviously don't tell him about your feelings wrt to BIL but he should be aware that there is a problem that clearly needs fixing.

Original poster
Duckingpanels · 09/05/2013 21:32

I've tried to speak to DH, my mum has babysat so we can go out but we don't seem to have anything to talk about. I try but he just doesn't seem interested in what I have to say. It's heartbreaking, I feel like I bore him.

I do know I could never act on my feelings to BIL. But I can't stop thinking about him. I'm supposed to be babysitting for my DNs next weekend, staying in spare room but I don't think I could stop myself behaving innapropriatley if BIL were to be around when DNs asleep.

OP posts:
CrapBag · 09/05/2013 21:35

Can you spell out to him very bluntly that your marriage is in trouble if something doesn't change? Is he depressed? Complacent? Does he take you for granted?

He really needs to face up to the fact that there is a problem before you act on something that you know you shouldn't. Think of the fall out for all the children involved if you acted upon your feelings.

Can you suggest relate or sexual counselling?

Original poster
Duckingpanels · 09/05/2013 21:42

He would never agree to relate/sexual counselling I don't think.

DH says Im making a big fuss about nothing, or that I just want an argument. He says he won't talk to me as I just end up shouting and crying.

OP posts:
Dahlen · 09/05/2013 21:43

Ducking - you need to cancel the babysitting then. Make up whatever plausible excuse gets you out of it, but get out of it.

You have every right to be feeling the way you do if you've been neglected for so long in your marriage, but you will lose the right to have that addressed if you choose to behave 'inappropriately' with your BIL next weekend. And it IS a choice, however much it doesn't feel like one.

Channel that angst into your marriage.

chocmallow · 09/05/2013 21:48

So does that mean you and your BIL will both be staying overnight in his house? Or is he staying elsewhere? From the way your talking I get the feeling BIL may feel the same way? Are those the vibes you are getting from him?

CrapBag · 09/05/2013 22:11

The BIL thing aside. Your DH is an idiot if that's his attitude, although do you have a rational discussion or does he refuse point blank to discuss it at all even when you aren't shouting and crying (in his words).

I feel bad for you. Spell it out that if things don't change then this really could be it for him and you and ask him if that's what he wants.

Dahlen · 09/05/2013 22:34

X post. Tell him yes you DO want an argument - because you'd prefer that to a divorce. See what he makes of that.

A fuss about nothing? So your feelings are 'nothing'? Are you sure divorce wouldn't be a decent option?

Original poster
Duckingpanels · 09/05/2013 22:36

choc, yes I would be, I've stayed and sat for the DNS before but not slept over, am only staying as its likely to be late. I honestly have no idea if BIL thinks the same as me.

OP posts:
Cherriesarelovely · 09/05/2013 22:38

Agree with everyone else, you need to tell your Dh really firmly that you are not happy with the situation and that he/you both need to do something about it before you have no relationship left. I do sympathise. I once had a really intense and inappropriate crush. I was having a very weird time following the break up of a long term relationship. I still know the person on whom I had a crush and it seems inconceivable to me now that I ever felt like that!

Ilikethebreeze · 09/05/2013 22:41

I could be reading between the lines.
Here are some of my suggestions/questions.

1.What was you sex life before th 9 months.
2/Did something happen 9 months ago for it to stop completely.

  1. Are you in your 20s or 30s
4.Do you believe he has been tired for 9 months? What happens for example when he has holidays.

Feel there are more questions but those will do for now.

Original poster
Duckingpanels · 09/05/2013 22:42

Thanks cherries nice to know there is light at the end of the tunnel. It would be easy if I could never ever see my BIL again. Although I would miss him as my friend and my DCs beloved uncle. It's hard as we are a very close family, I spend lots of time at BILS, and vice verse (with the DCs, we all have dinners together, I help out with my DNs as they are nearing teenage age and don't really have another female influence around).

OP posts:
Ilikethebreeze · 09/05/2013 22:43

5.Is he dispaying any odd behaviour.
6.Do you think he is ill, worried or stressed?

Original poster
Duckingpanels · 09/05/2013 22:46

It was ok, not great but regular ish, it just sort of petered out a bit. Nothing 'happened' as such.

I'm in my late 20s, DH and BIL late 30s, early 40s, DH 3 yrs older.

I don't know if he is tired. I feel he doesn't find me attractive anymore. I like to think I'm not too bad.

We don't have holidays, DH is SE and works a lot, property developer, spends a lot of time working or in the study at home working.

OP posts:
Ilikethebreeze · 09/05/2013 22:48

Do you think he has any financial problems?
Dont answer any of these questions if you dont want to.

Ilikethebreeze · 09/05/2013 22:51

Does he watch porn?Might he have soemone else?

tbh, I feel a bit uncomfortable asking this stuff.
I presume he wont give you straight answers.

My DH is self employed too and works long hours.
But I dont think that that would, on its own, mean you and your husband wouldnt have sex for 9 months because of him being so tired because of being SE

Original poster
Duckingpanels · 09/05/2013 22:52

Bit of a worried constantly thinks were skint when we are not

OP posts:
Original poster
Duckingpanels · 09/05/2013 22:54

No he doesn't- and I would be very very surprised if he did have someone else than- I do trust him

OP posts:
Ilikethebreeze · 09/05/2013 22:55

hmm. That is not going to help.
Is he a natural worrier? Do you think he may have anxiety or depression?
Are you sure there is nothing financially wrong?

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