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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Should I have been angry?

42 replies

PringleGrl · 20/05/2006 13:26

I met a man online a year ago, he lives in Sunderland and I live in Leeds so its a fair distance to travel hence he comes to stay with us every now and again but we dont get to see each other much, usually twice a month.

Anyway last week he took the week off work and stayed here for the full week, I have two children, he has none and still loves at home with his mum and dad.

He's really bad with money, is in tons of debt and doesnt save at all, if he see's something he wants he buys it without even thinking about it.

a few months ago he stayed with us for 3 weeks and never gave me anything towards his keep so this time I asked him straight away if he was 'ok' for money...he knew what I was getting at and told me he had £200 to come down with. Thing is, by the time he got here he had spent £10 on food on the train, £10 on changing his train ticket and £10 at home on the day he was due to come down so he got here with £170.

Saturday was my birthday so we went out for a meal and he spent £60 on that, I put £10 towards it (it was all he asked for). So this leaves him with £110, the night before he'd wanted a take-away and loads of stuff from the shop so that's another £20 gone...by sunday he had £90 left to last him a full week, after buying some drink and another take-away he had £70 left.

On sunday (after a subway which cost him £10 for his alone, I bought my own) we went to the city centre and he saw a playstation game that he wanted for £50, I told him he probably shouldnt as that would leave him with hardly any money but he apparanly really really wanted it and so needless to say he bought it.

Basically this left him with no money for the week and we ended up sitting in the house for a full week with no money to do anything and then to top it off he asked me to drive him to the train station last night at gone 9pm with the two small kids as he didnt even have enough money for a taxi.

It also turned out that during the week he had sneaked a phone call to his mum asking her to put some money in his bank account as he'd spent all that he had.

So, should I have been annoyed or am I blowing it out of proportion?

OP posts:

snafu · 20/05/2006 13:53

If you are skettle, I remember your last thread. I thought you were going to tell him it was over? He still sounds like a loser. You don't need another child. Get rid, honey, really.

fairyfly · 20/05/2006 13:55

He cracks your kids and looks at other women?

I think those issues need more attention, that's dreadful.

I still need to know how old he is.

Original poster

PringleGrl · 20/05/2006 14:09

I am Skettle yes it was actually quite depressing reading that last thread...

I never did finish with him as he improved dramatically when I told him I wanted out of the relationship. He was a bit better with money, we went out alot more and he was better with the kids (although still not great but then he is alot more tolerant).

He's 25, I have not met his family yet and he refuses to talk to me about them, a few days ago he got really cross at me for asking what his dad was like saying he doesnt like to talk about his parents.

I also get the feeling he tries to make it look like its me that spends all his money down here so that his mum goes easier on him.

OP posts:

zippitippitoes · 20/05/2006 14:12

I would be wary of knowing not much about him at home even if the rest hadn't put me off..

compo · 20/05/2006 14:12

i don't understand what you get out of the relationship to be honest. You are in completely different stages of your lives. He lives with his parents and has no sense of how to spend what money he has. You are a single mum. Surely you want more from a relationship than just a couple of weekends a month? What do your boys make of it? Imo long distance relationships are never any fun, too much hassle, especially when you've got children to think about. I'd find a nice local man, more your own age, who wants the same things out of life as you do. Where do you see the relationship going? Marriage? moving in together?

snafu · 20/05/2006 14:15

Don't want to sound harsh but what exactly are you getting out of this relationship?

zippitippitoes · 20/05/2006 14:16

secretive about home life rings alarm bells to me

hunkermonkee · 20/05/2006 14:45

Please leave him - well, tell him not to come and see you any more. I'm not saying this to be malicious or spiteful - I'm saying it because I truly believe he's treating you appallingly and you deserve better, not just for you, but for your children.

Hoopoe · 20/05/2006 21:51

He sounds revolting to me. I'd be fuming if he even vaguely thought of smacking my kids. What a cheek!!!!!!!!!!!!! horrible horrible man. Sorry

expatinscotland · 20/05/2006 21:55

Why are you with this bloke? Has he got a 9 in. cock or something?

B/c honestly, he sounds like a major loser.

Don't you think you deserve better?

NotActuallyAMum · 20/05/2006 22:52

"It was actually quite depressing reading that last thread"

I think that says it all

I had been wondering how you were getting on and was hoping you had seen sense and gotten rid of this waste of space......

You deserve better, and so do your children

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/05/2006 07:41

Pringlegirl aka Skettle,

Knew it was you from before - its all the same isn't it?. I could give you a good shake honestly. He's always been an arse and he continues to act like an arse. You need to see him for what he really is and not think, "oooh if I act nice towards him maybe he will learn from me and his behaviour will improve".

And now I read you are still with this low life?!!. Dear God Girl. He rings so many alarm bells its untrue. Being awful with money, his mother constantly bailing him out, you have not met his family and will not discuss them. The list goes on......... I need not mention his treatment towards your children and his gambling but you know what I'm talking about.

You have been asked before what YOU are getting out of this so called relationship. You have never answered this question. I think as you have been put on the spot you cannot think of an answer that would convince anyone that he is any good at all. Therefore you do not answer. I honestly don't think you yourself even know why you are in the position you are in. You certainly cannot see a way out of it so you stay with him. Let me help in this regard - you basically need to meet someone less immature, more local and far less selfish than he is!!.

Not surprised at all to see that his behaviour did improve when you told him you wanted out of this "relationship" but he has soon reverted to type hasn't he?. He is certainly not a great role model to your children on all sorts of levels.

Why do you think he does not want to talk about his parents and dislikes you mentioning them?.

BTW did you take up my suggestion re counselling for your own self esteem and worth?. I think your ex-partner was a loser as well wasn't he and treated you badly?. I honestly don't think you feel you deserve better hence putting up with crap now. You've basically gone from one low life to another. Goodness alone knows what rubbish he fed you online for you to hook up with him.

You have two children already - you do not need a third immature manchild. Everyone has bailed this guy out to date - if he was to move in with you (and please God never!!!) you will replace his mum's role in life of bailing him out.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/05/2006 07:49

Do you know what he does the rest of the time?. Short answer is you do not. You don't talk to his parents. They're probably glad to be shot of him when he's with you.

As someone once wrote on here, "better to walk alone than to be badly accompanied".

Skettle - what do you want from us?. You have been given so much well written advice from people who have actually cared enough to reply. So what are you going to do with all this advice?.

catsmother · 21/05/2006 14:14

Can't say anyomore than Attila already has ......

PLEASE PLEASE get rid - if you truly enjoyed seeing him you wouldn't be posting here.

fattiemumma · 21/05/2006 15:58

he sounds like his mum loks after everything for him and so he hs never had to live ina grown up world where money matters.
i get the impressioin that his money is literally his spending money.

he is not mature enough to enter an adult relationship with children are involved.

sorry

HappyMumof2 · 21/05/2006 16:01

is it a trolls day out here today or something?? sorry but fgs........

NitaNitro · 21/05/2006 16:09

Why do men seem to think that playstation/xbox games should be accounted for in the 'essentials' budget? it really winds me up, especially when half the time they buy them, play on them a couple of times then never bother with them again. They're worse than the kids.

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