Could you help me word an email?

[DoormatOrDiva]

To my bff, who is very happily ensconced in a relationship with someone I fear could be a narcissist, and potentially bad news.

I've spoken about the relationship already and don't want to go into it all again.

Things haven't improved - at least not from my perspective. However she is choosing to stay with him and ignore the latest warning signs (going awol every so often, the odd verbally abusive row, strange women friends texting him about 'meeting up for dinner/drinks, and 'whatever the night brings').

We had a blazing row - the first one ever, in 40+ years. It started because she mentioned that her DP realised that I had restricted him on my fb friends list - because she was looking at photos of my kids and he couldn't see them.

I actually did it a while ago, after a creepy and unfunny practical joke in which he sent me a photo of himself with severe bruising on his arm, and said my friend attacked him. Again, already spoken about this elsewhere, don't want to go into it all again.

Anyway - she sort of implied that I was being unreasonable to restrict him, and I should make an effort because he is special to her. I had once said to her, I thought he might be a bit narcissistic - and that if he was, he would be subtly trying to cause a distance between us. She reminded me of those words, and said it looks like I am the one who is putting the distance between us, not him.

I post a lot of family pics, and not comfortable with him having access. She was hurt I'm sure, but kept asking me why I can't just chill. I got drawn into it and mentioned the practical joke again, as something I find quite hard to get past, and trust someone, after. She was really exasperated and told me I was being stubborn.

She then said since I brought it up, she did question my loyalty - as I hadn't immediately realised it was a joke. How could I even think she could be capable of attacking someone etc. (I actually predicted this would happen at the time - and wondered if that was a narcissist's way of stirring up trouble all along. The only surprise was it's taken this long for it to fester and brew!)

I said he's manipulating her and she got really upset and swore at me. I got angry and said domestic violence is not even funny as a joke, and if she thinks she's above the possibility of ever landing in one where domestic violence occurs, she's being really arrogant.

Anyway - I don't think we can keep talking as regularly as we have done before, as it's awkward. The subject of her DP is now like a huge white elephant in the room, whom she can't talk to me about, and I can't talk to her about.

I want to send her an email with words to the effect that I will always be there for her, and email may be better as a means of communication right now - but without it seeming like I'm rejecting her and distancing myself. Is that even possible?

Tbh I'm not even sure...it feels really sad. Like it's the beginning of the end of a lifetime's friendship and I can't even stop it happening.

I think you should stay out of other people's relationships and get on with your own life.

I do see the point about OP being too involved... but this is a friendship of 40 years standing, don't forget. She does have a right to an opinion at least.

So OP - did you get a response?

Yes sweet and she has expressed her opinion to her friend on many occassions and friend doesn't want to hear any more at the moment. She doesn't agree with ops opinion howver much 'right' she has to express it.

Ah, ok - I didn't realise that. I was just thinking it must be hard for OP worrying about her mate.

Thanks for the feedback. Points duly noted. The email sounded patronising and controlling, not the behaviour of a real friend.

SweetSeraphim Yes I did get a response, thank you. After I read the comments here I thought about how someone said it didn't really give her any new information, so the next day I sent another one.

I won't bore you all with it, but it was a more practical one, asking to discuss the practical joke - after which I'd be happy to leave it, because I felt there were lingering issues that had festered on both sides. Her thinking I'd been disloyal, and me thinking she'd been disloyal too - by playing a mean trick, albeit instigated by her DP. So I explained exactly what happened from my end, forwarded her a copy of the photo and his messages for 'help', told her the manner in which I had recieved them and the effect it had on this end. Why I was hurt, why just because I wouldn't necessarily dismiss anyone telling me they'd been attacked as a lie - it doesn't automatically mean I'd think she's a man-beater either.

Also explained that for me, it tipped the balance and it was at that point that I decided that I didn't trust him as a real friend. So what privacy settings I have him on fb is up to me, although I do accept that he may be great to her.

Btw - it's NOT me that has kept bringing him up! I'm really struggling to say/do the right thing because she talks about him so much. For instance, I had been doing my best not to interfere recently, but in this latest instance, SHE brought him up - and then kept asking/berating me for restricting him on my fb list - and it's just not something I was willing to compromise on. Hence her calling me stubborn...hence row etc.

stopmoving - I get what you say about how staying in the game should be everything and this is exactly how I have been trying to 'play it' - but it's been really difficult. It's affecting my MH too as these threads probably show - I sound like 'a dog with a bone', 'fixated', 'can't let go'... I've already tried to put a boundary in place so that instead of being texted about every little development, as it happens, we have a weekly catch-up. But then this happens. It makes me look deranged to keep going on about it but it's not like I can talk to my best friend about this one.

How do I keep in contact but not offend/patronise/be bossy etc. if she keeps bringing him up with more and more of what I percieve as red flags, or wants me to embrace him and trust him like she does, when I just can't?

Anyway...Told her I value her friendship loads - but perhaps am not able to be a good friend right now, because I'm not sure how best to be. I don't expect her to not see him because of what I say - that's not it. I know how happy he makes her a lot of the time. I suppose I've been going nuts about red flags etc. but have turned into the reluctant squeaky wheel! However, am sick of the sound of my own voice, and it's completely none of my business anyway. I do want her to be happy and I know he makes her happy.

She emailed me back "Thanks for both your emails. It reflects your concern and the effort to sooth things between us. Really appreciate and love you for that..." and followed with a long email about her pov - how she knows there are red flags, but she also really wants to give it a go. I'm reading and listening. Not replied yet but the lines of communication are still open.

I am deciding to support her in this relationship because she wants me to share her joy. And I really don't want to be a squeaky wheel voice of doom. But I also need to reconcile that with maintaining my boundaries of not trusting him before I'm ready. Just need to have a think about wording it less tactlessly than before!

I think I also want to say something about how our friendship has maybe taken on an unhealthy dynamic recently (as highlighted by the amount of negative reactions to my previous email). I don't want to be the Other Strong Influence and she is buffeted between myself and her DP. Thinking about things, it's probably come about in the last couple of years where I really was the main source of emotional support when ex left - without realising it I've inadvertently become the main Relationship Advisor and it's not healthy - she needs more close friends other than myself - because right now I'm a bit shit. Perhaps we are in a pattern that isn't great for either of us. Anyway, it's hard to explain here just what we have gone through together in our lives, which is why it does seem quite intense - but I don't want to be the counterpart to her DP because it's just as controlling.

Doormat, that sounds a bit more positive. I think you are right in wanting to take a step back, but still be there for her.

Sounds much more positive. Do you think if you left it a week to reply you may have had chance to just make sure you really say what you want.How about sending just a chaty email without mentioning any of this stuff - maybe just what you've been up to etc? Well done so far!!