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Original poster

FWB...Possibly a reality check?

60 replies

SundaysGirl · 09/05/2013 14:28

I'm single and went through a nasty breakup last year, whihc I'm still finishing 'getting over'. I've known a certain friend for over 12 years. We have had one or two drunken kisses over the years but we were never in a position to take anything further.

Lately we've got in touch over FB. He's away for another month in Thailand (lucky so and so) but we've been talking about meeting up and possibly starting a FWB type situation when he gets back.

I'm certanly interested as I think we have always had potential chemistry wise. I've always fancied him like mad (but from a distance) and he says similar. Plus my last relationship 'thing' was so stressful and horrible that it seems like it might be nice to have a no strings attatched bit of fun for a change.

But...my gut is nagging at me a bit. I know a lot of people warn about FWB type things. I've only ever had one other situation with an ex of mine but it was never a regular thing. I am wondering if stronger feelings could develop if we saw each other regularly.

Guess wondered what people think of them in general. His situation is he is single and totally off relationships after his marriage breaking up a year ago.

Thanks!

OP posts:
lottieandmia · 09/05/2013 14:32

I'd say that generally, one of you will end up wanting more usually.

It's really hard to see someone regularly and not develop feelings tbh.

CashmereHoodlum · 09/05/2013 14:38

Are you prepared to lose the friendship if it all goes tits up?

Original poster
SundaysGirl · 09/05/2013 14:51

lottieandmia - Yea thats what they say isn't it? I'm not sure about how I feel about him as anything other than a friend, its too hard to know being that we've never really had that type of interaction.

CashmereHoodlum - Well we've always been more of the 'move in similar circles and nod at each other and exchange the odd message' over the last 7 years or so as we were both always in other relationships. But then if we spent more time together our friendship might well deepen at least. what I'm worried about is getting emotionally involved and getting hurt.

Guess can't tell if we will 'click' anyway..but given the sparks that have flown on occasions over the years I am pretty sure we will. Maybe its best not to find out. Gawd i'm indecisive right now!

Thank you both Smile

OP posts:
Numberlock · 09/05/2013 14:53

Could you not make it an exclusive arrangement and see where you go?

Could he want more than FWB?

Original poster
SundaysGirl · 09/05/2013 15:41

I'm not sure! And I guess by the time I figure it out it might be too late to stop any feelings if they happen. Confused

OP posts:
Numberlock · 09/05/2013 15:56

You could ask him now if he'd be willing to try that arrangement. Have an upfront chat about exactly what you'd both be getting into.

I've never seen the point of FWB personally. Sounds like a lot of hard work, just for a shag. And I'm not short of (male) company to go out for dinner, theatre, cinema etc.

Original poster
SundaysGirl · 09/05/2013 16:17

I think I will go out for drinks when he gets back and see how it is in person between us then have an upfront chat about stuff.

and lol on the hard work..kind of what I was hoping to avoid in this sort of situation!!! Maybe the very fact I am concerned already means I am not the right sort of person to do it!

OP posts:
Numberlock · 09/05/2013 16:32

Good idea, be upfront and honest, hopefully he will do the same and then you can take it from there.

Original poster
SundaysGirl · 09/05/2013 18:19

Thank you numberlock Smile I think I will cool it on the messaging and so on and wait until he returns to the Uk. Have a drink and just see if that old cheistry really is still there in person.

Then take it from there.

OP posts:
Original poster
SundaysGirl · 09/05/2013 18:19

ooops *chemistry

OP posts:
ClippedPhoenix · 09/05/2013 18:25

I'd give him a wide berth. FWB ends in tears for either one or the other. Whats he doing in Thailand again?

ClippedPhoenix · 09/05/2013 18:28

He's totally "off" women you say, just wants a shag? In Thailand again? Is the there for the wonderful beaches?

ClippedPhoenix · 09/05/2013 18:29

"he" of course.

Original poster
SundaysGirl · 09/05/2013 18:30

He's on a three-month sabbatical and staying with family. Think it might be one of those 'find yourself' type things!

To be fair I highly doubt he is a serious relationship prospect for me, but I'm not 100% sure about that. I just want to be careful, I am healing well from my previous relationship and don't want to jepordise that by getting too involved.

At the same time I sort of think 'well we are both single now for the first time in years and years, it might be fantastic to finally have some time together in that way'.

OP posts:
ClippedPhoenix · 09/05/2013 18:32

OP it may just be me but the last thing i feel you need is a heartless shagathon!

scaevola · 09/05/2013 18:35

Wait until he's back in UK.

Make sure he's had an STI check.

And remember - FWB means that he isn't likely ever to be a prospect for a proper relationship. If you really want NSA sex, then you might be better off with someone who isn't a pre-existing friend.

If you're not sure you're over you break up, I'd be cautious about mixing friends and sex. There are too many complicating factors.

ClippedPhoenix · 09/05/2013 18:35

Why can't you leave the sex bit out of the equasion and maybe spend a bit of time with him? How did you come to the conclusion that you were going to be FWB's?

Moanranger · 09/05/2013 18:36

I think the FWB concept is of pretty limited use - you are saying in effect, yeah,we'll shag, but it's meaningless & we have one eye out for the real deal at all times.
Not good for the self-esteem.
In your situation, I would talk to friend re starting an exclusive sexual relationship & see where it goes. It could evolve into the real deal,or only end up a shorter term fling, but to me even if the second,there is an Important distinction between that and calling it FWB from the get-go.
I would never start a sexual relationship with someone where the possibilities of it deepening are shut down from the start. Deeply sad. Yes, many relationships do fade out, but call me a romantic, I think you should always try for more.

AThingInYourLife · 09/05/2013 18:37

I'd be pretty insulted if someone I had a mutual attraction with for years only wanted a no strings shag when we were finally both single.

A normal response to this situation would be to go on a date.

Original poster
SundaysGirl · 09/05/2013 18:50

Thanks all. Well If I am 100% honest it was me who brought it up first because, erm I felt into the idea of it. I've never felt like he was a relationship prospect and I don't think he has for me either.

After a while of talking though I've realised that actually we have both changed an awful lot. Now I'm not entirely sure who he is, but I would like to find out..I've been interested in a lot of changes he seems to have made and things he is now interested in, which I share an interest in (like meditation..never would have thought that of him in a hundred years)

So again being honest the FWB idea was mine in the first place and I really wasn't looking for much other than the physical. Mostly because well..I wanted sex with someone I fancy! Now i'm not so sure..but would have to spend proper time in person to see if that makes sense?

OP posts:
Original poster
SundaysGirl · 09/05/2013 18:52

I think I took it as a good sign that I was becoming sexually interested in other people again after my breakup. And for me it is a rare thing for me to be sexually attracted to anyone (can count the men I've ever felt like that for on fingers of one hand).

But perhaps its not such a good idea until I am 100% over it all. Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
SundaysGirl · 09/05/2013 18:52

That was supposed to be Confused!

OP posts:
ClippedPhoenix · 09/05/2013 18:55

I personally don't understand why sex is such a throw away commodity these days? I was brought up to think that sex/intimacy goes hand in had with having feelings for someone and surely that's what we are trying to teach our children? I don't say to my son... look mate, don't worry about the girl, if you fancy sex then that's fine?????

BreakOutTheKaraoke · 09/05/2013 19:00

I don't think it's a bad idea. You sound pretty certain that he's not for you relationship wise, but there's chemistry there. I would go for it. In FWB situations I've been in, I've been clear that it's an exclusive FWB- no other sexual partners, and if either of us meet someone we like, it gets stopped before they become sexual. I don't want to be the cause of arguments in a new relationship.

You fancy him, he fancies you, you're both consenting adults, whats the problem?

Original poster
SundaysGirl · 09/05/2013 19:01

clippedphoneix - Well I do see where you are coming from. Hope this is not TMI..I have a really high sex drive and sometimes just want sex for..well sex. There is something different (obv) about two people than there is about flying solo.

Generally I think if people both want to do it and there is no lying or cheating involved and they know where they stand and so on then thats fine. The key here is mutuality. I would not encourage anyone to just have sex and not bother about the feelings of the other person. Sorry if it made it seem that way about me and how I feel about my friend. (as in not caring about his feelings) The way I wrote it might have come across flippant..I'm just feeling a bit shy about talking about my sex drive, but trying to be honest or theres no point posting.

However I also know in this situation I've posted about that it might be more complex than I initially thought..I guess I just don't want to make a mistake. I'm a bit conflicted truth be told..hence the post!

OP posts:
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