A little help please- long

[skyofdiamonds]

I've known my OH since 2007, as acquaintances.

We bumped into one another on a night out in November '12 (my birthday) and he messaged me the day after asking how my night was. We really hit it off and have a lot in common.

He asked to meet up and do some xmas shopping together, nothing exciting.

I knew he had a GF whom he lived with but didn't bring it up in this meeting as were only meeting up as friends to get some bits from town.

We met another two times (nothing sexual at all) and I eventually brought up the huge elephant in the room. He was very upset and said their relationship was non existent and not working out, as soon as they moved in together (months ago) they argued continually and all romantic attraction had vanished on both sides. They had agreed they felt more like brother and sister, not lovers.

I said that it needed to be over before any happened, although unfortunately this rule didn't stick hard and fast.

Xmas came by and we were messaging non stop everyday and seeing each other. He went away to his family for xmas and I was phoned everyday and all was lovely.

When he returned, they decided to sit down, discuss it and go on an official 'break'. They were both tied into the rental contract for a long-ish time and neither have family or anywhere to go in the area so it seemed the right thing for them to do, bearing in mind they had to live with each for the foreseeable future.

This meant we continued to date with more freedom and really fell in love. It was a case of seeing out the rental contract so they could move out and she was planning to move away.

In february, I discovered a photo of him and her at xmas time on FB, despite the fact he'd gone away to his family alone. I went mental as we had talked everyday then, therefore at one point in that time he was lying to me about where he was. He explained in depth the reason why, he was worried as we were so new that it would freak me out/I'd run a mile and his thoughts of doing that were completely irrational. I felt like i'd caught him out and she and I were both being two timed. Although he did explain everything and it doesn't feel like that now. It turns out he went to her family for one day after xmas for a xmas meal for the other halves and friends of the family, they apparently slept in separate beds that night.

They called the relationship off entirely but obviously had to carry on living together and all was civil. I was really struggling with the idea he was living with her and it made me physically ill. Despite the fact they are entirely separate and in separate rooms etc etc.

Their flat is empty and she's as good as moved out. I went around there the other day with him. There was washing in the machine which belonged to him and her. I wasn't happy at all about the fact they do/did washing together and said it was an insult to our relationship that he is handling her smalls on a daily basis in a comfortable way.

He told me that she'd put it on a few days ago and he never EVER touches her stuff. end of.

I then had a lightbulb moment, hours later, where I realised an item of clothing of his
that was in there was something he'd worn the day before therefore the ONLY person who could have washed the load was him, as noone else was there, so he had lied to me!

I went mental and told him I am not going to be in a relationship with a compulsive liar and there was no need to tell that lie. it was pointless! especially over washing FGS.

He has explained to me that the reaosn he had told these lies were ridiculous. He's never been in this position before and it has affected him greatly and not necessarily for the best, causing him to lie. Told me he isn't thinking straight when he tells the lies, he just doesn't want to upset me. I told him that I wasn't sure how I could trust him when he lies like that. He was in tears and apologising in every way, admitting to it all and saying how he doesn't want to lose me. He also can't see how we can move forward without me letting go and starting a clean slate.

I've always got in my mind, the thought of them at xmas together (they were together one day) whilst i naively thought otherwise. I know he was trying to protect me from being upset about it, i think it was a typical 'man' reaction to do that.

He has completely sorted all of it out now and its just him and I now. No complications. He gives me everything, tells me everything, spends all his time with me or thinking about me and makes me feel amazing. I know he's in love with me completely, he has cried twice at the idea of losing me. Aside from those lies, he has been honest (i think!) about him and her, what its like living there and what they are like (obviously all over now).

so, I ask...

Was I unreasonable to flip out that they share washing, whilst they were living as housemates?

How would you feel about the xmas lie?

How can I get over it and move on?

Am I an idiot?

I do realise that sometimes it is a good thing that him and his ex are civil, they have no beef with each other, which I respect. He clearly wasn't an utter wanker to her at home or anything, which I hear about too much on here!

We love each other very much and will stay together regardless but I need to move on from this break in trust, he's explained all he can so I now need to let go.

be nice!

yes. I've said a million times to him about rebound. I even sent him a description from the internet!

I think it's safe to say I'm fully aware of it, I'm not naive. At the same time, I'm not sure if I am a rebound.

I always say that noone except the two people in the relationship are qualified to talk about it, I say that to him too and he agrees. I think I have been very diplomatic and understanding of the whole thing and I genuinely believe he has told the truth on the most part.

It's just those stupid lies he's said to stop me getting pissed off that have pushed nails through my heart, so to speak.

He has done the right things regarding ending the relationship, making things right etc and I will give him a chance.

I have also told him that if I find out any more lies then that's it, cya later.

With regards to someone's prev post (can't remember who, sorry), He does want to spend all of his time with me, however he is by no means some reclusive control freak. He has a lot of friends, he's moving in with his friend this summer and is going on holiday with his friend too. We go out into town separately etc etc.

toby, I think you are in denial. I think your instincts are sending you worrying messages about this man but your desire to be with him is making you sweep them under the carpet.

I don't think there is any point in talking to the ex because all you will learn is that he lied, which you know.

I think you should cut your losses and find someone decent. You sound a little low in self esteem, a little too attached to something that wasn't all it should have been from the start. You had doubts in the beginning, expressed them, but acted on impulse anyway. That was a bad beginning and no basis for a relationship of trust.

Thanks Claude. You're right. I let her cross the road twice, talk about feeling awkward... I have 3 days to find her, two of which I'm working twilights and one of which she'll be with her dad, so that's probably not going to happen.

I will by no means be moving in with him any time soon, he has already arranged a friend to live with for at least a year, so that is not happening any time soon.

We have taken things slowly in some respects.

time will tell, i guess.

Also he does sound a bit controlling.

He's told you he can only proceed with the relationship if you never bring up the 'skeletons in the closet'.

That's like saying, shut up about my lies, don't challenge me on them, or I'll leave you.

Really it should be like this: he'll know when he's regained your trust because you will stop feeling the need to go back to the fact that he lied. Until then it's his job to reassure you, each time you want to discuss it.

Although, even if he did deal with his lying in the way, I'd still say dump him. It's just a mess. Sorry.

Thanks Lemon.

I want to stop feeling the need to go back to it, that's what I'm trying my hardest to do.

It is boring, I always go back to it with him and discuss it and blah blah blah.

He is right that we can't just keep going over and over the same stuff, I need to move on, if that's what I want. It's just convincing my brain to do that!

Everytime I bring it up, I wonder, why am I doing this again? It's like it's scarred me.

You're probably going back to it because deep down you know things don't quite add up; it isn't a resolved state.

Your instincts are telling you not to drop it. For good reason.

tobysg, don't take this the wrong way (and of course you don't have to answer) but do you have a lot of friends? Have you had a lot of flirtations? Many boyfriends?
I only ask because I look back on two relationships of my own with the wrong people which I wasted far too much time on - because I became heavily invested - because I didn't have enough else to sustain me. I should have had more and better friends, or better relationships with my family.
Partly this is just how I am, partly it was something they did to me - they absorbed so much of me that my other relationships dwindled and became shallow, and I realised I would be lonely without the boyfriend, and felt too scared to leave - eggs in one basket.
Also low self esteem. Lots of people told me after we split up that I took too much shit from them. At the time I thought I had to.

I think you should:
nurture your friendships. Maybe go on a girly weekend, a change of scene is good for things like this
Take a break from this chap. Tell him that if you have a relationship, it needs to be from a "clean start" - so he needs to be single before he comes to you. Put a time limit on this - say 4 weeks from now, on the basis that he will never speak to or see the ex. Or you either for this 4 weeks.*
Then decide if you want to be a liar, once you are out of the state of dependency and have realised you are having fun on your own.

*I bet he gets in touch with the ex or someone else if he is not allowed to see you in this time. I wonder if he will lie about it

I think curryeater's idea of giving each other a break of a set time is a really good one. If anything it will be even better when you reunite.

I doubt you'll do this though, you sound so desperate to put across how much he values you-
" He gives me everything, tells me everything, spends all his time with me or thinking about me and makes me feel amazing. I know he's in love with me completely, he has cried twice at the idea of losing me. "
How do you know he spends all his time thinking about you?!
It's really obvious that you're trying to convince us (and yourself) how highly he values you, that you put yourself in danger of basically throwing yourself at the feet of his love. The lies aren't great, and it's not a great start to a relationship to already have these niggling worries.. they should kick in after at least four months

However you've already said you're going to be with him whatever, so good luck to you.

It's just those stupid lies he's said to stop me getting pissed off that have pushed nails through my heart, so to speak

There's the contradiction about him right there. If you thought they were stupid you would have brushed them off. But to you, they're not, they're hurtful. I bet he wishes you thought they were = quieter life for him.

He doesn't perceive you as an equal partner by hiding things from you for your own good. There's a red flag even if he's as honest as the day is long.

Those 'stupid lies' show a weakness of character, I'm afraid. Rather than deal with you being upset, he lied to you. That's not a 'man' way of dealing with it, it's a coward's way of dealing with it. Hide it away, pretend it never happened, and no one will get upset with me.

If that was his first instinct then, quite likely it's going to be his first instinct next time something he does is going to upset you. Can you really live with that?

He lied to her...then he lied to you...then he couldn't even finish the relationship with her properly but called it "an offical break" that alone would have sent me running for the hills I'm afraid.

Why did she need to come back for FOUR days to pack? My ex managed to move out a whole life within one day.

None of this makes sense. If they weren't going to see one another again, his ex would have taken her laundry with her. She really wouldn't have left her smalls behind for him to wash.

As is usual in these tales of woe, none of what he's told you has been corroborated by the only other person who knew what was going on.

But like I said, you can't claim too much of the moral high ground here because you consented to a relationship with him when you knew he was lying to his girlfriend. Objectively, lying to you is not worse than lying to her. It's the same.

He's a cheat and a liar. He also isnt very bright. Is that really what you want? Give yourself some soace, get your dignity back and then think about starting over again, thus time with a decent bloke. I know this is blunt, but maybe that's what you need to be told.

Sorry for spelling errors, on a new tablet.