Going away without kids

[lem73]

My husband and I have been married for 15 years this summer and have never been away without our kids. (He has managed quite a few boys' weekends thought) It hasn't really bothered me but I was hoping this year we could go on a city break without the kids, just a couple of nights. He has just informed me that we can't because we don't have the money and he doesn't have the holidays. However, he is planning a weekend away in June to Amsterdam with the lads. This was long planned and doesn't bother me. What has really upset me though is that I found out, via MIL, that he has given £1000 to his brother because he is struggling financially and the same brother is off to Paris for a week with his wife and leaving his small children with my MIL.
I am really hurt that my husband a)is making financial decisions behind my back and b)clearly has cash to spare. How is it that he is giving (not lending) money to someone who has the cash to go away with his wife (of 3 years) but doesn't have the money to celebrate our 15th wedding anniversary. He doesn't know that my MIL has told me about this money gift. He probably didn't expect her to discuss it. I'm too upset to tell him I know but I feel I mean nothing to my husband. He lends his brother money and his brother can take his wife for a romantic break but he can't afford to take his own wife? WTF?!!

You have to talk to him. I'd be livid. Does he have total control over all the finances?

Tell him exactly what you've said here. He won't know unless you explain it. It may seem obvious to you, but that sort of thing is way over most men's heads.

Have a proper chat and maybe end by saying: I know you care really and will do something to put this right and make it fair.

I manage the small stuff (utilities etc), he manages the big stuff (shares, pension). To be honest, a lot of his salary in bonus and therefore, variable, so I don't know exactly how he should have in his current account.

Yesterday, I told him I really felt it was about time we had a break on our own and he made me feel terrible, as if I was whining. We didn't speak for hours. I bit my tongue about £1000 as he is sensitive about his brother, He feels sorry for him as he has gone from one failed business to another while he has a successful career. He'll say he needs it for his family but as I see it, we've just paid for their trip to Paris.

Poor you, i'm afraid it sounds like he is controlling you through money. I suspect if you look at some of the other emotional abuse threads in realtionships, you will recognise some of the red flag. Sorry.

So I'm not being a princess to think it's about he spent some time and money on our relationship? I also am sick of my sponging brother in law. Can you imagine he has never bought my kids a birthday present yet of course we have to get his kids expensive ones because (boo hoo) he is broke?

You are not being a princess, not at all! I would expect my DH to discuss all financial decisions with me. I expect, and get, the same amount of money to spend as him. If he was to go on holiday independently, I would expect him to look after the children when I went on a similar trip.

We go away without the children every year on our anniversary, I think it's essential for my marriage tbh. We remember who we were before the children came along.

Are all his 'lads holidays' to sex tourism spots like Amsterdam?

What's most depressing about this thread is that you actually wondered if you were being unreasonable. It sounds like he's done a helluva number on you over the years, what with his 'lads holidays', you having no similar breaks either at home or away, lending your money to others willy-nilly without discussion - and generally putting everyone including himself way before you and his marriage.

Apart from anything else, what this amounts to is he doesn't want to go away with you.

So what would happen if you decided to go away yourself with a few women friends? Would he whinge and refuse to look after his kids? Would he begrudge you the money?

If you want to stay in this marriage, you'll have to gain some independence from it in order to stay sane. But to be honest, I'd question what you're getting out of a marriage with a man who doesn't want to spend time with you, hides money and goes to the legalised brothel capital of Europe on 'lads holidays'.

Badinage, I agree with absolutely everything you said. To be honest, I didn't really need anyone (with all due respect) to tell me that clearly I am bottom of his list of priorities. I think I just needed to sound off. I'm barely speaking to him at the moment but I am not taking his shit. A girls' weekend? Maybe. But that's not a long term solution and I really have to do some thinking. I don't want to be having the same moan about our 25th anniversary, because then I really would be a doormat who deserved what she got.

He's a liar, he's keeping things from you and he's making excuses not to spend a weekend with you, preferring to be with his mates... Not seeing anything remotely commendable about this person, sorry

lem73

Yes you really do have some thinking to do re him. Sounding off about him is one thing but that does not achieve anything for you in the long term.

Your children also notice all this between he and you as well.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What's kept you within this for so long?.

What's kept me in it?! I suppose for the last 15 or so years, I felt we were on the same page, working hard getting money to make a better life and concentrating on the kids (we have three - 12, 9 and 5). I think it's just the last couple of years when things have started to really improve financially and the kids have become more independent, that I feel I want some things for myself and us. That's why it really pisses me off that he feels the need to subsidise his useless brother. We made sacrifices when we had a young family, why can't he?
And yes, sounding off does nothing and I hate women who complain about their husbands and marriages and do nothing about it. Funnily enough, after I posted my first message last night, he turned round and said why don't I come with him to Paris next month as he has couple of meetings there. This would mean I get to wander around on my own but get to join him for dinner. I said no, which he could not comprehend. It was clearly some kind of peace offering but too little, too late.

Have you had the whole conversation yet? have you told him you feel you've effectively subbed his brother and wife going off to Paris alone while you and DH can't? have you told him you feel right down at the bottom of his list of priorities, that he appears to have no desire to want to spend time with you and that you won't continue to put up with this?

Have you also, at very least, booked a weekend away with the girls? Have one for every one he has, in places where women pay men to drizzle their chests with tequila etc and see how he reacts. Must admit i held off commenting that he goes to Amsterdam. Bloke pack holidays to Amsterdam suggest a lot of respect for women needs to be instilled into him.