I've been having a really bad few months since my DH of 10 years told me that he was attracted to other men. At the same time I found out that before we met he had had sex with other men. He says he didn't tell me because he was just experimenting and fine yes I know a lot of people do, but I would expect him to mention it. I feel now that this has just been something lying buried and has now surfaced. He said he was telling me because he felt so rubbish about himself that he was considering suicide. A few days later, while talking, he completely lost control and hurt himself - it was shocking and frightening and I felt completely out of my depth.
Our relationship has not been good for a long time (years). We don't communicate well, never have. We have moved around a lot over the years (for his job) and I have been depressed (twice). I never felt that he was behind me when I was depressed. He said that I just had to get on with it because there was no other choice, we were relying on his wage (he can earn far more than me and has a specialised job which means it is hard to go where you want to iyswim). I tried to put my side forward when I was unhappy but he can't see that there is another way of doing things.
Our relationship has been really distant over the past year and he says that was because he was coming to terms with his feelings for men. I decided to take the bull by the horns after him telling me this and said we needed to talk about our relationship. At first he said he had no idea there was anything wrong. Months down the line he now says that he went through a crisis about his sexuality because he didn't feel valued at home. He now says that he over-reacted and made a mountain out of a molehill. That yes he is still attracted to men but only in the way that lots of people (he quoted a % of people who are attracted to someone of the same sex) are.
I just don't know where I am. My head is spinning. I love him as a friend but not as a husband and haven't for some time. Sex has been non existent for years. He says that he has done everything that he can for me over the years, that he has made huge sacrifices to make sure that I am happy and has always loved me. When I was desperately upset about all this a few weeks ago he said he thought I was depressed, had been depressed at a low level for many years and that if I wasn't depressed I would be able to see how much he had done for me and how much he loved me. All this just makes me feel like the finger of blame is firmly at my door. (I don't have a MH problem, by the way, I am just very unhappy at our situation. I went to the doctor and had a very long chat with a very nice and no nonsense female doctor who said that it sounded as though I was being manipulated. )
We have had some long conversations about the past and the future. It all comes down to me not appreciating what he has done (this is implied, not said) and that the problem is with me. A few weeks ago he gave me an ultimatum - that I needed to decide whether we were to split up or stay together and try and get a full relationship back on track.
Over the past couple of years he has experienced physical problems which has meant that he has been seen by several different consultants who have tried to get to the bottom of the problem. He started to experience symptoms after seeing one consultant which he had never mentioned before and said he had had those pains for years but thought it was perfectly normal, so hadn't said anything. Then last week he told me he thought all the appointments were wasted as he thinks it was all stress related and there is no physical long term problem (which is what he and the drs thought).
There just seems to be a pattern of exaggeration that I am so uncomfortable with as I don't know what is real anymore. I suppose deep down I don't really trust what he says now. Not that I think he is purposefully lying, but that he does such a great job of convincing himself.
I am really worried about what will happen if we split up. He has had counselling which has helped the suicidal feelings but is unreachable in terms of a proper conversation because he just reverts to analysing feelings and past actions and cannot accept that we are both responsible for the mess we are in. He is patronising in his language and just reiterates that if I wasn't so negative that things could improve.
I am worried about what he will tell the children (7 & 5) if we split as they will be left in no doubt that it is me making the decision, that he loves me and them very much.
I'm not sure why I am posting all this except maybe just to get it off my chest. I feel stuck and completely ground down by guilt. Guilt that I don't love him. Guilt that I want to end the relationship and will hurt the children. I just don't know what to do for the best.