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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Possible cheating partner - how to check an iphone?

168 replies

Heartbrokenmum73 · 07/05/2013 12:46

Hi, I wrote recently about my partner of 19 years (anniversary today actually) telling me he doesn't love me anymore.

This was the outcome of an argument about me thinking he's cheating. I have suspected this for a few months now and around three weeks ago I asked outright to look through his iphone.

Now, he got the iphone in January. I don't know my way around one and wasn't sure what I was looking for. What I DO know is that he's very attached to it (it lives in his pocket), it beeps and rumbles constantly in the evenings/at weekends, it has a pass-code (which I'm fairly certain I know from careful observation).

When he gave me the phone (extremely reluctantly) to look at, I didn't really know what to look for. There was nothing incriminating in the texts (but he would probably delete them as he went along), but is there a messenger service on there? I have a Blackberry so I have BBM on mine. Is there something similar on the iphone that I should be looking for? How do I get onto the internet and check the history of it? How do I check for over-used phone numbers, etc? I can only check it when he's asleep at night so I need to be quick with it.

I'm asking this off the back of the zombie thread that's popped up, that I read with interest - it all made me sit up very straight indeed!

I know people are going to tell me that I should just end it and that I don't need the evidence, etc, but please bear in mind that everyone is different and I DO need the evidence. I need it for my own peace of mind and to make sure that I don't tear us apart completely when there are three children to take into account too.

Any iphone users out there who can help?

OP posts:

Report

CoffeeShoppe · 08/05/2013 00:07

oh dear, it doesn;t look good, sorry

Piemother · 08/05/2013 00:09

I think you are entitled to confront him. So sorry you are going through this

Pantone363 · 08/05/2013 00:39

So sorry to hear all this.

141 will work from a landline. On your mobile find call settings and hide/withhold number. Just call and see if a woman answers. The good thing is that a lot of people don't answer a withheld number so hopefully it'll go to voicemail and you can get a name.

Pantone363 · 08/05/2013 00:41

You can input a passcode wrong 10 times on a iPhone before it locks it. It will only lock for 1 min after that. If you put it in wrong again it'll lock for 5 mins. Then 60 the next time.

Pantone363 · 08/05/2013 00:41

He won't know you've tried to unlock it

Cravey · 08/05/2013 01:15

I'm afraid I would be getting him out of bed and confronting him then calling the number. So sorry for you.

Mimishimi · 08/05/2013 03:00

Could you not just wake him up, tell him that you suspect him of cheating and that you want to check through his phone immediately? If he won't give it to you or tries to shuffle off with it to the bathroom first, you will treat it as though your suspicions are confirmed and the relationship will have to end?

LittleMissLucy · 08/05/2013 05:58

I think the phone and the technology is all a total waste of your time and you need to have a face to face. Sorry, don't mean to sound harsh but its just detritus - you need to get past it, and to the point. (And I am sorry this is happening to you, been there, done it, burned the t shirt).

Tortoiseontheeggshell · 08/05/2013 06:11

I think at the point where there's unexplained money going in and out you need to ask. I presume he knows that you have access to his bank accounts, but it doesn't matter if he doesn't; at this point, you know all you're going to know without confronting him. So you need to do so.

EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 08/05/2013 06:46

Have you googled her name in " marks?
Can you search for her on Facebook?

hf128219 · 08/05/2013 07:01

Have you checked 192.com, linkedIn etc ?

Youcanringmybell · 08/05/2013 07:11

Oh this is awful..
You now have evidence to ask him about. I am sure his reaction will tell you everything you need to know.
What a wanker he is.

Is the name at all familiar?

BenjaminButton172 · 08/05/2013 07:24

Google her name and number & see what you get.

olgaga · 08/05/2013 07:31

Oh dear, so sorry to hear this. They are very small amounts to be sending back and forward though!

However, now that you know her name as well as her number you should be able to find out who she is, where she works etc - not that any of that will help you.

Hope your discussion with him is constructive - you might want to start doing some reading and planning.

sarahjaye · 08/05/2013 08:29

What strange small amounts... £10, £20 especially to transfer online. He's not gambling/ paying for some online game or service, is he?

MortifiedAdams · 08/05/2013 08:41

Could it be a secret daughter?

olgaga · 08/05/2013 08:45

Mortified I wondered that - but such odd, small amounts?

A phone sex line?

Pantone363 · 08/05/2013 08:52

More likely that he is lending her small amounts of cash and she is paying it back.

It's very brazen though!

olgaga · 08/05/2013 08:55

Why on earth would they be transferring such small amounts through bank accounts rather than cash though?

Mysterious.

Locketjuice · 08/05/2013 09:02

Sorry your in such a shit situation op

CajaDeLaMemoria · 08/05/2013 09:30

There's some potentially dodgy advice here.

My iPhone is set so that I'm emailed to two email addresses when the passcode is entered incorrectly. I'm aware that makes me sound very paranoid, but it's to do with health information rather than anything else, and my DP knows the passcode anyway. Regardless, it is possible that he'll find out if you touch it.

I'd wake him up and tell him that you know. And then I'd be silent, and watch him flounder for excuses, and hopefully he'd fill in the gaps with excuses, and you'll find out a lot more. Most people can't bare silence.

I'm baffled that he was stupid enough to ask you to log in to internet banking when he'd been paying her, though, unless he wanted you to find out? Could he be goading you on?

Pantone363 · 08/05/2013 10:07

Maybe not cash if he doesn't/can't see her often?

Anyway all this speculation probably isn't helping the OP, have you made any decisions about the next step?

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chrome100 · 08/05/2013 11:37

If you don't know the passcode you could call his phone from another phone and then swipe to answer it, as you wouldn't need to put the code in then. I'm not sure what happens when you hang up, but I'm pretty sure that you will then be "on" his handset and can access anything.

BenjaminButton172 · 08/05/2013 13:10

Chrome that doesnt work. The phone just locks.

If he is sending money through the bank rather than cash it could possibly b that they dont meet very often.

I think it could b a child rather than a lover.

olgaga · 08/05/2013 13:22

If he's a technophobe anyway it'll probably be more fruitful to look for the paper trail.

Flip

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