divorced parents squabbling over visits

[Clare1976Lawrence]

Hello,
did/does anyone else have parents who are divorced, who both insist on being near you when your first baby arrives, and wanting to stay with you?
My Mum lives overseas and is flying over especially around the time of the birth, and wants to help with cooking/looking after the house etc. This has been arranged a long time ago, and I'm really happy about it.
My Dad and his partner, who are very kind people, are also wanting to visit at that time, and have even put off going on their own holidays until after the birth of my baby.
I happen to mention that my Mum is visiting at that time and that although I'd love to see them (genuinely true) I'm unable to offer them somewhere to stay - we only have one spare room, and we're going to be rather busy!
Anyway, I thin they have taken offence, as they have since e-mailed to say that they aren't going to come and stay after all for another weekend we had planned next month, and have been quite distant ever since.
To top it all, my husband's Mum is also keen to come, but she undertsands we've got a lot on our plate and will come a few weeks after the birth, and will help out.
Can anyone help me keep this lot happy, and how to keep myself sane without offending people more than I already have?!

How far away does your Dad live? can't he do the trip in a day?

Oh god how tough... although I guess you are also lucky to have so many people willing to help

I think your mum should definitely take priority. It's only natural that you should want your own mum round at a time like this...

Could you give your dad and his wife some other special job to do like organising the christening?

NB I think they hve no reason to be distant-- surely they should understand you won't have room for everyone!

how long is your mum staying in eth UK for? does she have any friends she would like to visit while she is here? could you perhaps suggest that in order to let your dad and his partner come. On the one hand it is lovely that they are all so keen to come and see their grandchild, on the other hand your dad should hardly be suprised that your mum's staying (not like she can come for the day is it?) and really shouldn't take offence. It's nice of you to try to think of a way of keeping everyone happy but they should be also be concerned to keep you happy iyswim. so by all means try to come up with a compromise, but if it's not good enough for them - tough.

I think it's best to jst leave tem to it. You've explained what is going to happen and if they want to be funny about it that's up to them. There is nothing more you can do

I agree with Compo, I think they should all bloody well grow up and not make extra trouble and work for a new mother. All of these people have been through the emotional rollercoaster of having their first baby, and they really ought to know better than to add to the stress you'll already be under.

If it's already been arranged for ages, I can't really see why you should waste any emotional energy on trying to change plans, re-arrange accomodation and placate people, just at a time when you'll need to concentrate on yourself and your baby. In fact, if you get drawn into it, you may find that people start demanding more of you, so it's better to keep out of it altogether and let them all get on with it. But I agree with the suggestion of giving your dad another project, like the christening or the new something or other, to keep him busy and involved.

Your mother in law sounds wonderful!

Are you in close contact with your mum normally? The only reason I can see for your dad and his wife to get upset would be if they were the ones who were always around to support you, and your mum never shows her face when there are things to do.

At the end of the day, it is what you want that counts in the situation - and everyone else will have to live with it

thanks for all the good advice - it's very reassuring - I was beginning to tie myself up in knots about it all.
My main worry was that my Dad, who can get quite over-emotional and awkward to deal with, would arrive at the hospital and my husband would end up taking care of him, ferrying him around, and worrying about him (my Dad tends to fuss and panic) while he'll have other things on his mind!
My Mum was the one who brought me up, but have a good relationship with all factions of my strange but dysfunctional family, so it stands to reason that I would like her to be around. As much to take the pressure off my husband, if anything.

My Dad and his partner live around 350 miles away and so a day-trip isn't possible, unfortunately. There's bound to be a compromise but, as you all have pointed out, sometimes you just have to do what you can and not beat yourself up about it.