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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I've never got over my first love

35 replies

HamsterDam · 06/05/2013 22:27

we grew up together got together for a short while at 17 he was my first love,first proper bf. didn't work out,he hurt me i hurt him back. we have stayed friends for 10 years since with ups and downs we have a few mutual friends.
he now llives in another country maybe forever,i realised when he left 2years ago that i love him,I've never stopped loving him. we talk on skype sometimes and i tell him to be happy and he says he misses me.
i know its stupid i know i need to get a grip but sometimes i think about telling him how i feel even though i know he won't jump on the first plane home.
maybe its obsession but the pain i feel when i think of him being so far from me feels real.
my feelings for him have had a negative impact on all 3of my relationships since. i don't know how to get over it or if i ever will. realistically i know it probably wouldnt work out but i have always felt that we would end up together and i can't seem to let that go. its pathetic. maybe i

OP posts:

Original poster

HamsterDam · 06/05/2013 22:28

maybe i need counselling or something. i know its not normal

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EllaFitzgerald · 06/05/2013 22:32

It's not abnormal Hamster. It's just looking back on the relationship with rose tinted glasses, especially if subsequent relationships haven't worked out. However, he's an ex for a reason, so if you really don't think it would work between you, then there's probably a reason for that.

Moanranger · 06/05/2013 22:39

Counselling might help, a CBT type approach where you "re-frame" your thoughts & feelings about the relationship. You should be able to have fond feelings about an early relationship without it blocking your forward progress. Obviously you are not there, so counselling is an option. Also look at workshop-type stuff, I see a lot of retreats & similar where the participants work on particular issues.

AuntieStella · 06/05/2013 22:40

I think it does sound like obsession, because it has become fantasy and is not a real relationship. You're not thinking of him, but an idealised version.

You won't be able to form a satisfactory new relationship for as long as this persists, so don't try.

Instead think about how to live your real life as best you can, and move in your own time to an acceptance of everything that being single can offer you.

A1980 · 06/05/2013 22:40

Life is too short....tell him. if he doesn't feel it back what have you lost.

Original poster

HamsterDam · 06/05/2013 22:40

i think the reason he is an ex is because we were both too young at the time.
the only reason i think it wouldn't work now is because im trying to be realistic. maybe too much water under the bridge i hurt him badly but that was a long time ago. we get on we have lots in common even though now we live completely different lives. i know he has his bad points but i love him regardless of them.
sometimes i think he has feelings for me too muchbut then i think im most probably deludiing myself i know its all just a fantasy but i can't stop
he has always been there and now he's not it hurts

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Original poster

HamsterDam · 06/05/2013 22:44

A1980- exactly, I've even typed out messages laying it all out but never had the guts to press send, maybe that would be the cure. i think losing him completely is what im scared of. i know its pathetic

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A1980 · 06/05/2013 22:48

Just do it.

It's actually strong to tell someone how you feel not weak.

On your death bed you'll wish you'd done it.

Original poster

HamsterDam · 06/05/2013 22:58

yes i think i probably would regret it. sometimes i think of something awful happening to one of us before I've told him and it makes me feel sick. i sound like a wierdo

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A1980 · 06/05/2013 23:01

No it doesn't. it makes you human.

If getting told no makes you accept it then so be it.

EllaFitzgerald · 06/05/2013 23:02

Well if you feel it was your ages that stopped it from working out, why don't you send him an email telling him that you often think about him and wonder whether things could have been different if you'd been older? If he responds positively, then you've got an opening. If not, then what exactly have you lost? You don't live in the same country and you don't think he's coming back. You don't have to face him. Better a bit of potential embarrassment than being 80 years old and wondering 'what if'

A1980 · 06/05/2013 23:08

I want to do it with my last bf but I know I must not.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 07/05/2013 00:28

But it wasn't plain sailing was it, you found yourselves breaking up and hurting one another. The first love often stays in our heads and the newness of all those emotions is what makes us look back and in some cases hanker after what seemed particularly alive, dazzling, special.
Less raw the next time with our next affair, less epic the third.

Safe to reflect and dream when he is 100's or 1000's of miles away. Those bad points of his you mention: do they include short temper, possessiveness, violence, substance abuse? In what way was your youth a disadvantage before, how would being more mature help? Are you saying you could better cope with his 'bad points' or coax him out of them?

I am not saying you shouldn't try and get back what you had - just be sure what it is you think you missed out on. If you want to speak up, be bold, let him know.

NotTreadingGrapes · 07/05/2013 06:12

Are either of you single?

Original poster

HamsterDam · 07/05/2013 20:15

his bad points don't include short temper or possesivness definatly not violent. i know he would never go out of his way to hurt anyone, he has a good heart. there was substance abuse from both of us-lots of weed we both still dabble now and again but not as a habit. i wouldn't want him to change i love him the way he is.
being older means we have lived life and even though ive been with other people even had a baby with one of them my feelings for him are still there,we still get on he's still the one.
we are both single yes. the first time we were both single at the same time we ended up kissing on a night out, instigated by him

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RayofSun · 07/05/2013 20:35

I completely understand how you feel. I am like this with my first bf and there are times it hurts like hell and the frustration of us not being together is enormous. We have been on and off but never realistically for a long period of time, due to circumstances. I think the truth is that we may not even have survived a long term relationship but the 'not knowing' is really hard. I think that you should just go for it and then at least you will have no regrets. I have known my ex for 26 years. It is unhealthy for someone to take up so much space in your heart but not in your life.

NotTreadingGrapes · 07/05/2013 20:42

If you are both single then what's stopping you?

Original poster

HamsterDam · 07/05/2013 20:54

thanks Ray, glad to know im not the only one.
whats stopping me is i don't want to lose him as a friend. also its 10 years ago, i should be over it by now he might think im a freak.
he is visiting within the year, might wait and see what happens when he's here and what his plans are long term, a few more months can't hurt

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cafecito · 07/05/2013 22:15

you are not the only one. I don't know if telling him how you feel is the answer though. Perhaps you need to make your own life grow so enormously around this to make it matter less. I think he will know how you feel already and telling him, well, it could go either way - what if he stops contacting you? maybe you like hanging on to the maybe rather than actually closing this off? then again, if you think it's a realistic chance of you being together, then you should tell him. If it's just because it's eating away at you and you have these feelings, are you being selfish in telling him now?
I don't mean to sound harsh. I am a stony cold horrible person but I really do love someone from my past. I never told him, and for 2 years now I have had an email in my drafts box I have never sent. I know how it makes you feel, and I think yes, I should send it, because what if I died and never had the chance to say it - but equally, I know that in my case, I would achieve nothing other than my own closure, which probably wouldn't happen, instead I'd feel like a tit and it would not be fair on him either, to receive it now, years too late, I decided it would be selfish of me to send it. So there it is, in my drafts, with 'DO NOT SEND' in the subject line

cafecito · 07/05/2013 22:21

Hmm. If you are both single, then it's different, but I think you should wait til he visits and see how it goes- you also need to be sure you are prepared for what would happen if he doesn't respond in a way you want him to. Also, do you feel safer with a distance, what if it actually did become something real again; is that even what you want? If you're sure you can handle a bad reaction, then go ahead and tell him.

RayofSun · 07/05/2013 23:07

Had he given you any indication that your feelings might be reciprocated?

allaflutter · 08/05/2013 01:21

I'm sure you won't lose a friend if you tell/ask him, he sounds nice and that he likes you, at worst it may be awkward for a while but it won't ruin friendship unless you wanted that. If he kissed you when you were both single, of course he fancies you. Of course he cold have instigated a talk too, but who knows maybe he feels unconfident.

BookieMonster · 08/05/2013 01:31

Have courage. If you wait until later in the year and he meets "the one" in the meantime, how would you feel?

NotTreadingGrapes · 08/05/2013 08:45

I don't think it's pathetic at all, and I completely understand you not having the courage to press that send button.

Is there the possibility of seeing him in the flesh any time soon? I'd go for testing the waters in real life rather than via text/letter etc.

Have you read The Boy Next Door? T'is lovely. Might give you the push you need.

I am still v much in love with my ex, but not single, so I'm living vicariously through you OP!

Original poster

HamsterDam · 08/05/2013 19:46

i will wait until he comes back and test the water, it would be selfish of me to just drop this on him now. i do think he probably knows anyway.
i know he cares about me and likes me so i don't think i would lose him as a friend, i couldn't bare that.
will have a look for that book thanks, he didn't actually live next door but we grew up very close, he has always been there just hurts that he's not now.
NotTreadingGrapes - how does it affect the relationship you're in if you love somebody else? this has affected all of my relationships since; my ex even used it as an excuse for us to break up, why should he love someone that loves someone else?

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