How to deal with DH going AWOL

[Zorra]

Very long story: been with DH for four years, we were together six months, and got married when I fell pregnant. Our relationship has been quite messy; lots of differences of opinion on what marriage is about, lots of EA (I think, he thinks its me being unrealistic and dependent) from him; plus we have lived apart, in different countries for about half the time. He is a fairly compulsive liar, and has been unfaithful at least once, and emotionally unfaithful often. I just returned to the UK about a month ago to prepare for the birth of DC2, I'm 37 weeks so not long to go.

Just before I came back we were getting on well, and had good chats about how to move our relationship forward along with having (a very unexpected) second child. I was a bit wary, but fairly convinced it would somehow work itself out. About a week after I got back though, he has gone AWOL, won't answer calls or texts, or speak to anyone about me. I have asked his parents to talk to him, as he is staying with them ATM, and he won't discuss it with them. He won't tell me if he is still coming over for the birth, and he won't talk to DS either. DS is in bits and has been behaving terribly (this is only part of the problem of course, we have also moved country and a new baby is coming): I am in bits trying to get ready for a calm and happy birth which I'm now finding impossible to prepare for.

Any advice? I feel really stuck, and also really really stupid for getting into this position. I can't imagine how to explain to my kids that daddy left but, well, we don't know why. I am very angry with him, and I am struggling to get into a reasonable head-space for birth. I've no idea how I'm going to cope with two kids by myself, and also I don't know how to get past the obsessive wondering as to what the hell is going on. I also just feel broken - that he doesn't want us, and doesn't even care enough to come out and say it. There is also a chance that he will just rock up before the birth as planned, and refuse to discuss it.

Thanks for reading if you got this far. I don't know quite what I'm asking, but handholding or good ideas very much appreciated.

Do you have friends or family in the uk?

Personally, I'd leave him to it if he's such a fucking manchild he can't face his responsibilities. All the other crap he's put you through is just more of the same.

Get RL support from your friends and family who care about you and send him one last message - the CSA will be in touch on your behalf along with your solicitor who will issue the divorce proceedings.

What a cunt

This is awful, hope you are alright. You will find out what is going on at some point. D you have any support locally? Honestly though he sounds like a total shit and imagine how you would be after another 10 years of this.
The pregnancy being totally unexpected hmmm? You had obviously got to a point of trusting then, such a shame things have nosedived. Try to take care of yourself now, coming up to the birth.

((( Zorra )))
I'm sorry. It sounds like he's checked out. I'd assume he's not coming back and think extremely hard about whether you would have him back.

Some immediate things I would do would be to find a new birthing partner and if he does 'rock up' at the birth, ask your midwives to refuse him entry. This is your delivery and women need to be accompanied by the people they trust most in life, not lying emotional abusers whose only contribution has been sperm.

Then file for divorce.

Cut your losses with this relationship. He's never going to change and it's never going to get any better.

Thanks for the replies.

When I think about it all rationally I can't believe I have spent any time with someone like this, then I wake up in the night terrified and bitter and confused, and desperate for answers. And it is horrible to know just how little I am worth.

Yes, pregnancy was v unexpected, of course if you have sex at all then it's possible - I was on the pill. I did consider an abortion, but I just couldn't do it. So I will have to get through it one way or another. I am being a shit mum at the moment anyway, just feel so so sorry for my kids

I've moved up to be near my parents who are great, but all my friends are about four hours away. And I've lived abroad for a while so I'm also very out of touch with people; I've lost a lot of friends because I've been so ashamed of my relationship that I've been avoiding people who love me and ask me difficult questions about why I stayed with him. So I've made my own bed really.

Even if that was true, you don't have to lie in it forever!

You don't have to let him make the decisions here. You aren't powerless. You can be the one to say you know what, we're done. I don't want to live like this.

And end this really horrible sounding 'relationship'.

He's made his bed and he's going to have to lie in that.

You will make new friends.

Spend your time focusing on not letting anyone take the piss out of you; this will make you feel much better

And make sure you make him pay financially for his appalling lack of responsibility - enforce through the necessary agencies.

The usual authorities won't work unfortunately, he is from, and lives, outside the EU. He has never really contributed financially and I can't see that changing. I guess at least it won't be a financial shock to the system. But it's another thing that makes me crazy - he will just never have to take responsibility for this mess, he'll just walk away, and make a new life.

Yes, he'll walk away and make a new shitty life for himself, where he emotionally abuses some other people and has constant drama going on, and people think he's a jerk for abandoning his family.

You, on the other hand, have the chance to start building an amazing new life for yourself and your kids, without him. Of course it's scary to think about but if you can get through this initial really tough part, it will be so much better down the road.

And do reach out to those old friends. Tell them what's going on. I'm sure at least some of them would be supportive, once they know the full story.

He's eroded your confidence so much that you think you can'd do anything for yourself.

Good news though, at least you are home, and will be able to get by, get help and support.

Don't think about why he has chosen to go AWOL, it's irrelevant, it's not even about you. It's HIM. His failures, his insecurities and his problem.

You have 'lost' a cheating, insulting and abusing partner. he is thousands of miles away and you won't have to share your DC with him. Yes caring for DC 7 days a week is tough, but you can handle it, millions of people do, and with more kids. You are just scared and uncertain of the future.

OK so none of us know how tomorrow will go, but let me tell you that one way or another, you will get through all this, and each day that you are not under his control, is another day that you will heal, grow stronger and begin to regain the confidence you lost.

Please keep posting, please keep asking questions when you are confused about things and your feelings, you will work it all out.

Stop chasing this prick. The sooner you move on, and get through this birth and new born stuff, you will start to feel stronger, and you will be able to move yourself onwards. The longer you cling to undesirable rubbish in your life, the more harm it does you.

WRT your DC and telling them anything. You don't have to tell them. You can just say that you don't know. Whatever it is, it's nothing you did, nothing the DC did, so it must be his issues. You have tried to contact him, and he isn't contactable. He knows where you are if he wants to talk.

This is not really that big an issue in your life, not really. It might seem that way, but it's actually all fear and all in your head.

You said yourself that he has never supported you, so no change there. You have said that he's always been a git. No change there. No loss to this rubbish. One day you will heal well enough to be an even stronger person than you were before you met him, one day you may meet the person you truly and richly deserve. But not when you have this deadweight in your heart. Cut him loose.

Stop chasing him and start assuming that he's out of your life.
It sounds like he has actually done you a favour.

You can do it alone.

And put your barriers up in case he tries to ease his way back in.

Who cares if he makes a new life for himself and a new family?

YOU can and will do the same! AND you will be a darn sight happier than the poor cow that he does latch onto!

If he does, it'll be a blessing tbh. I don't envy any of the LP I know who have to juggle contact with the ex, try to protect their DC from the manipulative power play, watch the children get hurt week in and week out.

My son has grown stronger, more confident and awesome with every day that he doesn't have contact with his crappy abusive, cheating foreign domiciled, non-supporting father.

I too am stronger than I have ever been in my life, have started dating again and have had the best year of my life so far this last year, and am certain that there is even better to come! Have faith, this AWOL twat has done you a MASSIVE favour.

Would you really want your DC growing up like their father? with his attitudes to you and to women in general? If that were me, it'd break my heart if my son turned into an abuser, I'd strangle him myself.

Thank you for the replies. It's nice that someone responds to me!

I've asked my mum to be my birth partner, and she will be great. I need to work with my parents so that they will support me in keeping him away from the delivery in the unlikely event that he does turn up. And I need to think of things to distract myself when I want to call and chase him, so I can stop taunting myself and try and get some dignity back. Baby steps x

Who cares if he makes a new life for himself and a new family?

YOU can and will do the same! AND you will be a darn sight happier than the poor cow that he does latch onto!

If he does, it'll be a blessing tbh. I don't envy any of the LP I know who have to juggle contact with the ex, try to protect their DC from the manipulative power play, watch the children get hurt week in and week out.

My son has grown stronger, more confident and awesome with every day that he doesn't have contact with his crappy abusive, cheating foreign domiciled, non-supporting father.

I too am stronger than I have ever been in my life, have started dating again and have had the best year of my life so far this last year, and am certain that there is even better to come! Have faith, this AWOL twat has done you a MASSIVE favour.

Would you really want your DC growing up like their father? with his attitudes to you and to women in general? If that were me, it'd break my heart if my son turned into an abuser, I'd strangle him myself.

For now, focus on yourself. You are 37 weeks and nether you nor bump need any additional stress. Your 'D'H is cruel in the extreme to behave like this at such a critical time in your lives. Maybe get some legal advice re your position if he has just disappeared.

I would plan for a life without him going forward. You have your parents to help you out right now, a little boy and soon a new one to take care of. What a great starting point. Things can only improve - you are strong, and you can do it!

With regard to friends, go online and find antenatal groups, NCT, mum and baby groups. There's bound to be something in your area. You'll soon bond with people in a similar position. If it's any help, I spent mot of my maternity leave with the people I met at antenatal classes and who I hadn't met until two months before DD was born. Friendships change and move on when you have children so sometimes the best friends at this point in time are the people in the same position as you.

Good luck with the birth, getting rid of idiot man and for a happy future ahead.

You write that you sometimes lie awake at night despairing. Please look at the. Bigger picture. You are heavily pregnant and you are managing, even if only just about. Now, once your hormones are back at normal level and you don't carry your baby inside you will be even stronger. You can do this! Sending love and support.

Try not to measure your worth by how much one particular person values you. It's not something lacking in you that fails to keep 'D'H by your side, but something lacking in him ie the ability to value what he has. After all, he's abandoned DS too, hasn't he, and would you look at that little fellow and say, or let anyone else say, he must be worthless because his dad ran away? No way!

'D'H may also be able to walk away and make a new life, but the sting in the tail is that he will always be who he is, so that any life he makes will be tainted by his own shortcomings. You, on the other hand, will always be you, which is a far nicer prospect.

Thanks for all the replies. Just having a miserable day of it. It's eating away at me, and I end up being snappy with DS which of course makes everything worse.

He's mum rang tonight as she heard I had been trying to get hold of them and said that H hasn't even been staying there most nights, he's been staying with friends and refusing to talk to any of his family about what he is up to. She also said that he is definitely planning to come here on 15th, which is what we had agreed initially. My heads all over the shop. Just want it to all be over

What Annie said...
I had an xh like this and pregnancy with second dc was full of angst and trying to track him down. He was vile as my waters were breaking. In hind sight, I wish he had stayed away as I have spent the last three years getting away from him. From your op, they sound very similar!
He is not there with you as he is inadequate, he is an abuser and it fulfills his purpose for you to believe that this is somehow your fault. I still struggle sometimes, as I did when xh went AWOL when second dc was 2 weeks old, but then remind myself that life was harder with him in it.
When you're going through hell.....keep going! You can do this. And you will because you are a loving mum, one who will gain more confidence and strength from this. Gather all the support, and we are here for you too x