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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

So that's it, it's over.

23 replies

Twattybollocks · 05/05/2013 05:12

Last night I discovered that dh has crossed the line with respect to his sexting habit, he has been having a text relationship with someone he works with. This is a step too far. I've spent the last 15 years dealing with his habit, he has had counselling, it hasn't helped. He can't understand why this time it's different, but accepts that our relationship is now broken beyond repair, and we will divorce at some point.
I'm numb at the moment, we have 3 kids, 8,6 and 3 months. He wants to stay in the house for now as obv it's going to be very tough for me to cope on my own with 2 kids and a baby (I know some women do/have to but I'd rather not if I can avoid it), also if he is going to be able to see the baby when she's weaned from the breast, she needs to be comfortable with him and know him or I won't be able to settle if she is with him.
We are looking at him moving out in 3-4 months.
Can't believe this time yesterday we were discussing booking flights for our holiday in August. Clearly now the kids and I will be going on our own.
I feel so betrayed, humiliated, stupid for believing him. I have had meals with this woman, she is 15 years older than me, I can't believe that he would have this relationship with her, she isn't attractive at all, he is very attractive (physically anyway) and could have pretty much the pick of anyone he wanted.

OP posts:

PregnantPain · 05/05/2013 05:36

Didnt want to read and run. I am so sorry that this has happened to you. Wiser posters will be along with more helpful comments later on I suspect.

Lweji · 05/05/2013 06:02

So sorry.

The texting must be about thrills.

he is very attractive (physically anyway) and could have pretty much the pick of anyone he wanted
not really. Not a self respecting woman who knew he was married.
And many women are not that shallow.

I suspect he'll at least try to weasel back these months and I suspect you will let him.

But, as you say, it's a habit and I'm not surprised he's asking what changed this time, as you've let him get away with it for so long.

TheUnicornsGoHawaiian · 05/05/2013 06:42

Didnt want to read and run. and stay strong. This must have been a shock for you.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 05/05/2013 07:14

A 15 year habit was never going to go away. The woman at work is no better or worse than any of the others. I don't think you should give him another 3 or 4 months to cycle back through process yet again because the risk is it becomes a 16 or 17 year bad habit.

You seem to feel grateful that he picked you what with him being so attractive... . Sadly, I think your self-esteem will be reduced even further if you don't get shot straight away.

cat · 05/05/2013 07:16

Get rid get him out ASAP.

Stop making excuses to allow him to stay.

I'm so sorry this had happened to you

(Hug)

AndMiffyWentToSleep · 05/05/2013 07:26

I'm so sorry. It is so hard to finally make the break when you've been dealing with an issue for so long. It'll also be hard to deal with breaking up if he's still there - though I can see why you want him there for now.

What will be different about living with him now and for the next few months, compared to when you were together? What practical things - other than not sharing a bed, of course? It would be awful to feel in limbo until he's moved out...

Original poster

Twattybollocks · 05/05/2013 08:10

The sexting has always been about him feeling wanted, he has very low self esteem from his abusive childhood. It explains it but in no way excuses it

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 05/05/2013 08:13

It's not even that plausible an explanation... He sexts because it's titillating.

Original poster

Twattybollocks · 05/05/2013 08:25

I don't want to get into discussing the reasons why he does it, I've just decided that enough is enough, it has slowly eroded my confidence over the years to the point where I now no longer want sex, I feel dirty, used, and the thought of it makes my skin crawl.

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Cabrinha · 05/05/2013 08:36

I agree with other posters that he could try to minimise it in the 3 months and you'll give in.

I wouldn't worry about relationship with baby and being able to settle... at 12 months my breastfed baby went to complete strangers at a nursery and soon bonded beautifully with them!

I do get that staying in same house temporarily might be a practical option. But: what have you done to signal that it's over? I chucked my cheating prostitute using bastard 5 weeks ago. We're in the same house. But: I've told all my friends it's over, offered on a house, he's applied to take over our mortgage and started divorce proceedings. There is no doubt.

If he is staying for 3 months, I'd just gently remind you that you can still see a solicitor NOW.

I'm sorry you're going through this, I'm glad you've found the strength to say enough is enough. Perhaps the reason you don't feel attractive is the effect of years of this selfish bastard getting his kicks elsewhere?

Original poster

Twattybollocks · 05/05/2013 08:58

he has been sleeping downstairs since baby was a couple of weeks old, since I'm feeding her it doesn't make sense for him to be woken up at night when he has to get up for work in the morning, so that won't change.

OP posts:

simplesusan · 05/05/2013 09:15

How awful for you op.

Your h sounds vile.
No wonder you have low self esteem and don't enjoy sex with him. He has eroded all your self worth, he may as well of had sex with women in your own bed. His behaviour is appauling. Deep down all this sex texing has had the same effect as him having an affair. He hasn't considered your feelings at all.
Why you have tolerated this is beyond me.

You say he is attractive- no I wouldn't find this behaviour attractive and I really don't know a single person who would want to be with someone who feels the need to degrade their partner in such a way.

I second the advice to cut ties now. He is trying to get you to change your mind. You have tolerated this for so long that he genuinly thinks that he can make you come around to his way of thinking again. He obviously thinks that he hasn't done anything wrong. Please seek legal advice, lots of solicitors offer a free half hour. You will get real perspective on this. I can tell you now that his behaviour is unacceptable, no matter what he thinks or trys to tell you.

Also don't feel ashamed to tell friends about what he has done, you haven't done anything wrong, he has though. Your friends will support you.
Make sure too you vent your anger on him, don't try and bottle it all up, you will end up feeling even worse if you do.

Take care of yourself op.
x

onefewernow · 05/05/2013 09:31

My H had a habit for five years at least, but I only discovered it one ( well more than once but he blinded me with technology bollocks, which I believed, like a fool).

Once bitten twice shy. I totally agree that you should leave him; he won't stop, as you know.

The most useful thing I learned about myself in the year long aftermath was to develop and police my boundaries if life, and let there be consequences.

And the most useful thing I learned NOT to do is to overtaking and involve myself in why he did it. I swamped myself with all that, but really it isn't the point, is it? We can never fully know as we are not them, and anyway it is their issue and they can still choose not to. And we can choose to look after ourselves.

I second getting him out quicker, or you may well weaken, especially given the history of you doing so.

Original poster

Twattybollocks · 05/05/2013 09:54

We have spoken Again this morning and have agreed that he will move out ASAP. By the end of this month definately. just need to find the right time to break it to the kids. Most important thing is that they understand that we both love them as much as ever and it's not their fault.

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onefewernow · 05/05/2013 10:00

Well done you.

I don't think you will regret it.

Given your willingness to forgive in the past, I think swift action is called for. I forgave, but I think even now I have been far more affected by the whole saga than he has. I simply will never put up with it again.

Sounds like your h has had a long leash and for a long time.

onefewernow · 05/05/2013 10:03

Ps and how lovely to put it behind you. Be excited for yourself, without that in your life.

I think managing even three little ones will be way easier without that in your life, dragging you down.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 05/05/2013 10:08

Well done getting things brought forward. It's going to be a tough couple of weeks for everyone but, the sooner he goes, the sooner you can start building a new life, free of suspicion.

Original poster

Twattybollocks · 05/05/2013 10:27

Yes, I don't think I realised how much it was affecting me before. We have mentioned to the kids that he will be living in a different house, explained why, they seemed ok about it, but no doubt there will be tears and more questions at some point, particularly when it actually happens and becomes real.

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Original poster

Twattybollocks · 05/05/2013 10:30

I think I will stay in this house now and then next year once kids have had time to adjust I will look at selling this and moving closer to family. Both my sisters and their kids live within 100 yards of each other in a village about 7 miles from here, I'd be looking to move there and then I will have my sisters close and kids will have their cousins.

OP posts:

badinage · 05/05/2013 10:44

Well done for bringing it forward.

I'm not a fan of these protracted separations in the same house, mainly because they're shit for children to experience and as tough as hell for the partner who still loves.

The best way of sticking to your resolve is to get things moving with the divorce and organising finances and residence.

Original poster

Twattybollocks · 05/05/2013 21:32

Well I've somehow managed to get through today mainly by going out all afternoon with the kids. I find I can be civil and pleasant to him, but at the same time I know I have to do this for the sake of my sanity. Am ringing the solicitor first thing Tuesday to get it sorted, I'm not messing about thinking about it, it has to be done. I can't see a way back from this, I can't trust him, he will never change. He had the cheek to compare it to me smoking (I started again after baby arrived) because I promised him I would stop and I haven't. Yeah, the essential difference being that my smoking is not making a fool of him or breaking my marriage vows!

OP posts:

AndMiffyWentToSleep · 08/05/2013 19:02

How's it going, TB?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 08/05/2013 19:13

He had the cheek to compare it to me smoking

That sounds at about his level.

Glad you have decided to raise the bar OP. He won't believe you'll go through with it but you have taken a big decision and as others have said already, you will flourish without him dragging you down.

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