Relationship help

[WorriedPartner]

Hi, I'm looking for some help with where I am and thought the best place would be here.

I am a 37 year old Father of 3, a 6 year old (from past relationship) and twin boys aged 2yrs 2 months with my partner of 3 years who is 22. In November 2011 we moved 30 miles away from where she grew up and had all her family and friends to be closer to my job - at the time she wanted a clean break as none of her 'friends' bothered with her because of the twins and her family were all pressuring her about various things.

My partner and I are now "on a break", her words, as she has reached breaking point. She has had post natal depression for about 18 months but only started medication at the back end of last year for a few months before stopping. She has felt neglected and lonely for some time but because she is bad a communicating I didn't know how bad things had got - I told her I loved her pretty much daily and always kissed and cuddled her, but she was off sex completely for the last 6 months but I didn't know this as she "gave in to shut me up". Which sounds bad but I wasn't forcing her or anything. I was basically too focused on working to earn us money to enjoy our life together and didn't see the signs until we reached a point 3 weeks ago where it all came to a head.

Since 3 weeks ago my eyes have been truly opened to what has happened and I realised could have done so much more for her. I have apologised and told her I will change, but she doesn't believe me as whenever things have boiled over in the past I have been different for a couple weeks tops and then gone back to my old bad habits - this time it is different as I risk losing the most important thing in my life.

For the last 2.5 weeks I have done everything round the house had all the children all the time when not at work to give her a break and have put her first - which has been noticed and appreciated. I've moved her back into a house near her parents and friends (we were moving back anyway and had found a house before all this kicked off) but she is now there on her own with just the twins. I am staying where I am for the next 3 weeks with my eldest as he is at school until we can change him over in half term. The current plan is for me to stay with family temporarily a couple miles from the new house to give her some space to think.

Now here's where I need some advice. I have devoted my life to her and always have been and always will be and desperately want this to work. She has said that she wants to make a go of it, but I know for a fact she has been chatting to some lad and there has been a lot of flirting between them - which must be making her feel excited and good about herself. Now that she is in this new house, as of Friday just gone, I am really worried that she's going to be led astray by some smooth talking guy who only wants her for one thing - I'm worried that because she has been depressed and felt so bad about herself for so long that the attention she has got recently is all she is focused on and she's not thinking about the bigger picture.

So what do I do? Do I confront her about this lad or just continue what I'm doing to prove to her that she is my world and leave it up to her?

Any help, suggestions or insight into her thoughts and feelings would be gratefully received. Thank you.

I'd be encouraging my 22 year old daughter to run a mile from you.

Interesting that you sound like a nice caring husband, but if we analyse you really are not, at all.

I agree with others that you were one of the bad guys in her life.
How do you know about the other "lad"?
The expression "lad" puts her as a girl, not a woman.
How could you not notice she was yielding to sex to shut you up? Surely you must have pushed her.
And why only now actually contribute at home because you know you might lose her?

I'd be telling her to get rid, that you'd again revert to type once she got back.

And I wonder if her depression wasn't made worse by you.

'What has she done for you?'

Errm....that would be everything arsenal hence the remorseful post.

The term 'sniffing around her' is offensive btw. She's a woman not a dog.

I'd also be interested in the other side of this story.

So she was 19 and you were 34, and she got pregnant within a month? Sounds like she has outgrown you I'm afraid. In future, make sure your girlfriends are closer to you in age and make sure you use contraceptives to minimise heartache all round.

Dear OP, your partner is taking you for a ride. If she were that depressed, she wouldn't have time or energy to be flirting with anyone. I have been depressed many times in the past, and believe me, the last thing on your mind when you feel like that is romance or flirting. You just want to shut down and the world around you to shut down with you.

She seems to be getting a good deal out of the "break up", basically, that you pay for her house where she can bring her new boyfriends, who obviously make her feel great about herself as they don't pay for her or share childcare duties or domestic work around the house.

Your instinct is pointing you out in the right direction: basically that she's using excuses for cheating on you while youre paying for her accommodation and bills.

You should be seriously considering separating from this person. She is using mental illness as an excuse to have her way, and playing with you and your feelings. She sounds manipulative and unreliable.

To answer some of the questions asked:

1. My eldest has always lived with me, his mother left when he was 3 and has court appointed visits every other weekend.
2. My DP and I were together 5 months before she fell pregnant, it was planned.
3. We had already started the process of moving back to by my DP's family and friends to give her more help and support whilst I work - meaning I commute an hour each way. This has since been brought forward to give my DP the space she wants.
4. When not at work all my spare time was spent at home with DP and DCs, it's not like I've suddenly started helping in the last 3 weeks I've always been there - but looking back I feel I could have done more for her with her depression.
5. My suspicions about it started one evening early after the break when we were talking and she received a phone call about 10:30 at night which I thought was her mum checking on her. Which she afterwards revealed was the guy she met at the pub. Maybe I shouldn't be "spying" but I need to know if anything happens because that's a deal breaker and I'm not being taken for a ride.

The catalyst for our "break" was when my DP went out a couple of weekends in a row and met a guy (same man from point 5) who showed a lot of interest in her. The problem now is that because she is young and beautiful she likes the attention, but at the same time feels guilty.

And the term "sniffing around" was referring to any men being like dogs - which they are. I've already seen several very direct invitations for sex - these guys are behaving like dogs.

Why did you intentionally plan a baby after 5 months with such a very young woman? Did it not cross your mind that perhaps that wasn't a fantastic idea?

The striking thing about your story is the age difference between you. You must have met when she was 19 and you were 34. She was/is so young to have all these commitments. No wonder she is texting a 'lad.' She should be out on the town enjoying herself like other young women of her age. I feel sorry for her.

The mother of your 6yo left when he was 3. You met your partner 3 years ago. So not only did you rush into having a baby, but you didn't have much time between relationships either (any? was there a crossover?)

You need to ask her if she wants to be with you. If so - counselling, and no flirting. But I suspect this is over. She was very young. I know some age gap relationships work. It's easy to find someone here for whom it has worked. But I firmly believe it's a minority.

Next time, I'd advise you not to plan a baby with a teenager.

My previous relationship was practically over 9months before it ended, I tried but ex didn't. There was no crossover, but a gap of a few months before we started this relationship.

In hindsight everything is much clearer, should we have waited and tested the relationship? Perhaps, but all she ever wanted was a child of her own and now we have twins - I wouldn't change anything because then we wouldn't have our twins.

Yes I was 34 and she 19, the age gap didn't bother her and she wasn't the type of girl that went out every weekend. Perhaps that's now why she wants to feel free.

People can go out and have fun with friends whilst remaining in strong relationships, the difference here is my DP has suffered depression and has low self confidence so suddenly receiving attention makes her feel good.

She has said she definitely wants to try and make it work with me and that's all I can ask for. The only question in my mind is whether she will give me a fair chance and stop all flirting?

For future reference if a 19 year old tells you all she has ever wanted is a baby and is suggesting trying for one with a much older new partner of 5 months that should be a massive warning sign that she is not happy and is looking for something to fill a void. As the much older (much more mature?) person it was your role to put the breaks on and convince to wait until at least the relationship was more tried and tested and indeed in my opinion until she was older and had grown up a bit and sorted out what she was looking for that she thought a baby would fulfil.

Maybe she will settle down with you and stop flirting but I think in order to do this long term she probably need counselling to sort out her depression and self confidence issues (I bet she has family issues too) and I wouldn't be suprised if she comes to realise that she jumped into all this far too soon.

Your GF is s twunt for messing you around.
Have a backbone fgs