Husband just admitted having feelings for men

[Whoknows36]

Omg I am in shock.
Dh and I have been married a long time with two children. He told me he wasn't happy with our relationship and we went for counselling and things improved. A few weeks ago he told me he's suffocating and doesn't know why but is struggling with life/us. He couldn't really explain much more and he decided to move out for a break. Today I saw something that made me think he was attracted to men. I've asked him and he said yes. He didn't know how to tell me.
For the last two yrs he has been attracted to men and women. Nothing has happened but he's so mixed up and can't understand why he feels like this.
I feel so sorry for him because I can see why he's so mixed up ESP as he's said our relationship is good and our problems were the result of him trying to figure his head out, but he couldn't tell me why he's been struggling. But then I'm also feeling so many different things. I don't know what our future could be. What do I tell friends, kids etc. I feel that it's now my secret.

I'm glad you've been using that site. I've made a lot of great friends there that have really helped with questions I've had that I can't speak about in rl.
I think although It's raw and emotional you do need to talk about it freely. It's painful to hear/ say at times but it needs to be said/heard. Not talking about it for a few days isn't going to make things any better.

I've always been bi, I know that now. So prior to my relationship yes, but not 'out' bi. To myself, or anyone!
For me, I went through a 'am I gay?' Period in my teens. I was attracted to females, more than men, then it went the other way again. Although each time I was still attracted to the other sex, just not equally. I came to the conclusion I wasn't gay otherwise I would fancy women all the time and not men at all, and this wasn't the case for me.
I dismissed the idea of being bisexual, because whenever a conversation with anybody, friends or family, arose about bisexual celebs etc the usual comments were made that 'x can't make their minds up' 'is greedy' etc. I was brought up to believe bisexuality was a choice. So I put all my thoughts and feelings about women to one side put it down to teenage hormones, a phase perhaps, then started having boyfriends.
None of them serious till I met Dh.

Then I had the realisation, that it wasn't a choice to be bi, that I was and always had been.
We have a closed relationship.
Sometimes, I wish I'd of discovered my sexuality sooner, then I could of experienced both sexes.
But now I feel It's too late, I have Dh & dc and far too much to lose.
I will most certainly go to my grave without having a relationship or encounter with a woman.
But I would never want to sacrifice my relationship for that.
If that's the way it is, then so be it.

I agree with Pattie that I think it is better to talk about it. Sometimes a wound needs to be opened so it can heal properly.

I didn't admit my sexuality to my family although I knew myself. I did have varied experiences but met dh when we were both 18 so, although I've lived a rather busy life, didn't have the greatest amount of time to fit things in!
I generally felt more comfortable around women and so it was a surprise to me that I felt so strongly for DH. I was very open with him from the start.

Yes I am happy, and prefer, to be in a closed relationship.
If I am being scrupulously honest though - We have been married a long time and dealt with a lot of rubbish, I have never said as much to him but there have been times when things were hard and we were both fraught, when even simple communication was misunderstood when I wondered to myself if I would be so unhappy if I had married another woman, someone that understood things about me that I had to explicitly explain to him.
However, the answer has always been no. Even the best marriages have times where you work hard to stay together, this isn't negated or created by gender. It was the same mechanism that would have thrown up feelings of 'is the grass actually greener with gorgeous Bob from accounting who is still after a date?'. It was almost an easy way out or an excuse for pushing the boundaries 'you don't understand I need xyz' - rubbish, I need nothing more as a bisexual person than a heterosexual one I've just doubled the pool of potential if I don't work at my marriage and opt for single life.

It's clear to me I have a good marriage (and am very happy) so I have nothing to gain and everything to lose if I were to go and seek a sexual relationship outside of it. Had I made a grave mistake and was miserable then yes I would leave - I just don't think that would have been preceeded by so many years of happiness.
If fidelity is vowed then the goalposts don't move because you discover these feelings otherwise it's a bit 'I'm a vegetarian except for fish, chicken and bacon'.

Thank you again. You both made lots of sense and I view bisexuality the same way. Maybe if dh is having such a hard time deciding what he will do then maybe he thinks the grass is greener and feels he could be happier with a man. Maybe in his eyes he thinks our marriage isn't as strong as I had thought. Because surely if what you've got is really good there is no need to look elsehwere.
I've been thinking as he hadn't experienced anything that was what the draw was, but as you've both said neither of you have tried anything as you value what you have instead of weeping over what you don't have.

That's why I feel he really needs to be very honest with himself here.
That level of honesty and introspection can be difficuly to achieve without guidance if you are very confused, the confusion becomes a focus and cover for a separate and underlying issue.

I, of course, can have no insight into his personal feelings but in my own experience we can end up caught up in a highly specific style of spring fever - unfortunately the cost can be ruinous by the time one discovers by yourself that the sweet itch for 'space to explore' and discover and the heady, nervewracking, exciting feelings of those first forays are in fact nothing unique and special. It's what everyone feels when they are freed from the moral obligations of responsibility - heightened often by the pass we give ourselves because this is 'different'.

This is where he needs to be sure - has he buried feelings all his life? Is he actually slowly admitting to himself he is gay but fell in love with you the person? Is he just shocked to realise he is bisexual but has yet to be comfortable with that fact? Is he just under the spell of the stress of a bad patch?
Has he been out on the scene as an observer? As I said, in the flesh can be different to in the head.
It's also as important for you to get good support so you have your line and can stick to it - whatever it might be, not my business, as long as it is a sticking point you feel is right for you.

Does he see himself as the active, or passive, male partner in a gay relationship?

Hi,

We spoke a bit about it and I asked if there have been any times in the past, teenage years, etc that he thinks were perhaps a sign that he had feelings before but had hid them or denied them. He says there's never been any signs, he always liked girls growin up and even when sharing rooms with other men when travelling never felt anything towards them.

At the moment he said he still likes woman, loves the bodies and sex is a turn on with a woman.
I've spoken to a few gay friends who told me they never found woman attractive and used to put the feelings on in an act to be straight until they eventually came out. I think dh is bi but of course doesn't mean that he may prefer men to women. I think he is curious about his feelings and has admitted he has no idea if he would even like the actual act of sex with a man, there's a possibility the thought is better than the act.

I thought when he first told me it was a mid life crisis and he was unhappy and as he works with a number of young gay men saw their life as more interesting, and got curious and decided it must mean he's gay. However I think he does genuinely feel attracted to them.

He hasn't had any 'real life' experiences. So he's never been to a gay club, never touched a man, never even tried anal sex or gay toys etc the only thing he's done is watch porn.

Lucy to answer you, he's told me he hasn't thought about it. I asked if he would like to kiss a man or hold his hand and he pulled a face and said that wasn't what I was thinking about but unless I did it I wouldn't know!

He's started telephone counselling and she's told him a marriage is what both adults are happy with so not to think you have to stick to the norm. And she's also told him to put the sexuality to one side and think without that what would he do, so she's probably trying to get him to think is he happy enough to stay if this wasn't an issue or is he unhappy to start with.

He's told her he feels that he knows what he has here and it's hard to know whats the best to do because having never experienced gay sex how does he know if it would make him much happier or not.
She asked him what his ideal outcome would be if he could choose. He told her it would be that he stays with me but gets to try male sex with my permission and see how he feels about it.

Whoa whoa whoa... couldn't read that last post and not comment.

Whoknows: you need to go out and find your own professional supporter right now - is there any particular reason why you haven't already? I'm concerned you are subjugating your experience of this marriage entirely to your husband's crisis.

You do know that 'ideal outcome' is another word for 'fantasy', don't you? There's nothing wrong in your DH expressing his thoughts as a way of working through what's going on for him, but it doesn't mean anybody should take it as some kind of roadmap. Of course getting to act out his fantasies 'with your permission' would be his ideal outcome! Most people would say the same, including me. It doesn't mean it's an appropriate, desirable or realistic suggestion that you should even be considering and I hope to hell he doesn't consider it so.

Did he ask what would be your 'ideal outcome'? Your DH is stuck in a very self indulgent moment as previous posters have pointed out (and also that that's not nec meant perjoratively), or he would have asked you that question in return. Don't mentally hand him the reins in the relationship, it would be like expecting your toddler to be the family key decision maker.

I could also add that I feel your sexuality is being case as second rate currently by the main players here. Please remember that your DH coming out as gay or bisexual does not mean that his sexual needs take precedence over yours, if you remain 'only' hetero/vanilla at this point. Any kind of non-mainstream relationship, eg one where there are more sexual partners, isn't an 'improvement' on monogamy, just because it's got 'more' going on in it. It's only an improvement if everybody involved signs up for it and feels it increases the value of the relationship.

Who knows - you may start your own journey of sexual exploration at some point; but it will be when you are ready for it, just as this has happened for your DH when he was ready for it, and nobody gets to tell you otherwise or castigate your current state.

I know this is an ancient thread and I’ve no idea if you can even post after so long. I’m in a similar position and am wondering what happened Whoknows36. Are you able to post?

It’s hard, I think people can have this idea that bisexual people will be unfaithful, or that we’ll never be satisfied with what we have. For me, I’d my bf said this I would be nonplussed UNLESS he said he wanted to experiment with men. I think that’s the thing here, if he’s happy to not introduce anything else to your marriage then I can’t see it’s an issue other than being a shock.

Catsandlavender makes a great point, I am bisexual but not a cheat. Lulu tell us more? We might be able to help? Or start a new thread?

It’s complicated! He has a fetish specifically involving men. There’s been a fair few lies and secrets uncovered since discovery which had caused trust issues for me. He’s never had an experience with a man nor wanted to he says. Last year I discovered that he’d had a crush on a male straight colleague (who didn’t fit the fetish btw). He was rebuffed by the guy and he left the company soon after, DH hasn’t seen him since. He refused however to delete this man from his social media which really upset me. He’s messaged him once or twice since, and recently admitted he’d finally unfollowed him. Except for feeling confused for a time whilst this was going on, he says he he wants me and always has. The crush derailed him as he said he’s never felt that way about anyone of any sex since he met me. I want to move on but his lack of thought for me at times, makes me angry. He seems to think that trust is something he deserves rather than something he has to earn back. I’ve thought about it and I think if he’d had an affair, dumped the partner and committed himself to me it might actually be easier. I feel like it’s a wound which is always open and can never heal because there’s always going to be this part of him which causes me concern.