Where do I go from here?

[PoppetRocket]

Hi Everyone

I'm a new poster here and could really do with some MN'ers wisdom.

I have been with my DP for seven years. During that time, we have split up a couple of times, but always got back together... sometimes months later.

We split up for a while last year and got back together in August. All was going really well - better than before, even. Fast forward to March and I found out I was pregnant whilst on the pill. I didn't tell him immediately, my first thought was abortion as he has always been open about not wanting anymore children (he has DCs from a previous relationship). I went to BPAS to consider my options.

After my first appointment, I booked another for the following week in the hope that I may have reached a decision about what to do with my pregnancy. I never wanted an abortion, just felt it was my only option.

During the week between appointments, I told him. At first, he said he did not want another child and that I would be doing it on my own.
We talked a lot that week and he came to the second appointment at BPAS with me. The outcome of that meeting was that a termination was booked on the understanding that it was to help me reach a decision. My pregnancy was quite advanced at 13 weeks.

Long story short, after much discussion and to-ing and fro-ing, I decided that I was going to keep the baby, with our without DP. We went for a scan at 14 weeks, after which DP said that he wanted us to be a family.
We were getting on great... announcing the pregnancy to our family and friends, planning our future and getting excited about it.

We went to view a bigger house last week and decided that we were going to take it. This week has been good, we've got on well and had a nice week. He doesn't officially live with me at the moment, but spends nearly every night here.

Everything was going well until yesterday. He has his DC's this weekend, so was at his parent's yesterday. He called me on the way home from work for a chat and it descended into a row. I said that he would need to get more stable work if we were going to commit to getting a larger house together - he's self-employed and work is sporadic. He told me that he didn't plan on doing so, as now is the ideal time for him to set-up another business. I said that I cannot carry him financially and that I would stay where I am and provide for me and the baby if he was not willing to do so. A bit of texting went on after and it was left that we would talk when we're on our own.

Today has been awful. He texted to ask me if I wanted to join him and his DC's. I haven't felt well and was still a bit 'hmph' from the conversation yesterday, so told him that he should spend time with his DC's and I would see him when we could talk properly. Texts went back and forth all day, until this evening when I said that i was unhappy with the things that had been said the past couple of days. His response was 'bye' followed by many other nasty texts telling me that he 'could not be doing with me anymore', that he 'doesn't need me or the threats in his life', to 'F* off' and that I should live on my own as I do not deserve to be happy with anyone.

I am no angel, I can be fiery and opinionated, but I really don't know why I deserve such nastiness. Nor do I understand what has got into him.

So, where do I go from here? Would really appreciate the advice and wisdom that I see offered to many on here. Oh, and some hand-holding wouldn't go amiss either.

Thanks for reading, and I'm sorry for the humungous post!

Hi Poppet. It sounds like the relationship was broken before the drama of your pregnancy. It sounds unhealthy.

Perhaps in good phases you both want it to work, but it just doesn't.

The father of your unborn child has told you to fuck off and dismissed you. It's not ok.

The big house dream would probably turn sour and angry very quickly - he's refused to seek more stable work, you'd end up carrying things financially, the stress of a new baby would compound everything. Whatever brought you to splitting up those few times before would rear up again tenfold. Well, sounds like that's already happened.

I think you're on the brink of a beautiful new relationship - with your baby. The love you'll experience will transport you. It'll be hard on your own, but it truly sounds as if doing it with your P would be far harder.

Cut your losses, focus on your new life to come. You've probably wasted enough time on that bloke.

I know it's scary but you really won't want to deal with that crap hen the baby is here.

Congratulations by the way

Hi Lemon and thank you for taking the time to read and reply.

As hurtful as it is for me to read your reply, and as much as I probably don't want to admit it, I fear that you are right.

This may sound weak, but the past couple of months have been fabulous and I started to get my head around the fact that we were going to be a proper family. Everything was going so well, and we were closer than ever.

Strangely enough, the issues we had before that led to our separations were concerning finances and the fact that he wanted to follow a pipe dream that hadn't taken off, so was only working in a proper paid job one or two days per week. He wasn't contributing much to the household and resentment built in me which caused arguments. I am the breadwinner and have never really enjoyed that responsibility; I would much rather it was an equal contribution.

Many thanks for the flowers, if I knew how to give you some back, I would

It seems to me he might be judging you by his experiences with his ex.

You know SoleSource that has crossed my mind. And the odd comment he has made makes me question that.

His ex left him for somebody else. He is a doting father, adores his DC's and it devastated him when his family split up.

Hi ex still plays manipulation tactics, which he now seems wise to. She even told him we could not move to the new house as 'it is not convenient for her to drop the DC's off'. She uses the children against him a lot - I have witnessed this on many occasions.

Strangely enough, he was the breadwinner in that relationship and she was a SAHM.

It doesn't sound weak at all, Poppet - it sounds a very normal reaction, a real need for stability now you are pregnant, hopes of a happy future together.

But the issue which was a deal-breaker before - his refusal to take financial responsibility - will feel so much worse when there is a big house to pay for. Maybe you'd have to cut your maternity leave short, maybe the financial stresses and resentment about his refusal to prioritise you and his new baby would cause you to split up soon after you'd taken on the burden of a bigger mortgage.

The fact that he told you to fuck off, and that you don't deserve happiness with anyone, makes him sound like a really nasty piece of work. How horrible for you.

Do you have any family or friends nearby for support?

I do have family and friends around Lemon, but I haven't said anything to them as yet. Probably because I fear what they will say to me - which is the same as I would say to anyone else if I was an outsider looking in.

Why, then, am I hoping more than anything that he tells me how sorry he is and begs for forgiveness for the vitriol this evening? It is out of character for him to be this way.

so much stuff there but they sentence that sticks out for me is he asked you to join him and dcs and you declined.

Logically that sounds as if he is trying to find out about if care about his existing family?

And it's up to him to get work? Are you in a position you can't work?

Food for thought Soda. I do care about his family; we normally have them at my home every other weekend. I spend a lot of time with them - I would like to think he knows they mean a lot to me. I didn't want to go today because I didn't want them to see any resentment between their dad and I.

I do work, full-time, approx. 60 hours per week. I am the breadwinner and always have been. I would just like him to contribute something to the household.

Do you want a cocklodger in your life?

You would be a fool to move to a bigger house with I assume bigger costs and in with a man who thinks it is OK to stay over with someone almost every night and not contribute.

What happens when you are on maternity leave? You would use any savings supporting the bigger household and him while he does nothing until your saving are gone.

What happens after you have the baby? Are you going to go back to working 60 hour weeks while he pisses around, and shove your child in day care to support everyone?

He already has children. He has them at yours every other weekend. Who pays for all that if he doesn't contribute to your household? What makes you think he will step up when you have one if he can't for his already existing kids?

You need to bite the bullet and sort this now before the baby comes along and you don't have the time or energy.

Good luck.