Just discovered an affair

[tinkerb]

I have just found out that my DH (married for 18 - together for 25 years) has been having an affair. He has admitted it and confessed to have been meeting a woman for sex dates for the last 18months. I am finding it hard to get my head round this and I can't quite believe its happening to me.

Our marriage has had its ups and downs - which I thought was fairly normal when you have been with someone for so long. There have been 3 times where DH has said to me he wasn't happy and wanted to leave but each time we have decided to work on our relationship for the sake of our DCs. The last time we had one of these crisis was two years ago and I was so shocked as I had thought we were through it all and that we were getting on really well.

My DH says he has stopped the affair wants to fix things with me and we have started having more counselling. Right now I can't image how I can ever trust him again when he has been lying and deceiving me for 18 months to go and have sex with another women.

I do still love him he is a wonderful, good looking, funny and charming man but an absolutely rubbish husband. I worry about how this will affect the kids if we separate, but also feel after so many years of limping along/trying to make it work and failing that now it must be time to call time. But equally after investing so much of my life in this relationship I feel I should at least get to the bottom of why this happened, what went wrong, what did I do/not do - but am thinking am I being a mug here??

Would love to hear from anyone who has been in a similar situation for any advice or thoughts....

Yes you will feel numb for a while and then experience a range of intense emotions - expect it to take two years

I would get this book - it has helped many of us on here.

After 18 months, it was only sex? No there is a definite connection to this ow. So sorry you are in this situation but you should ask him to leave to get your head clear, and to think if you want a future with him. Yes it is very hard, but you have to trust him to live with him and go forwards together.

I expect after the initial shock and pain, you'll be suffering to the extent you shut down in order to keep functioning at a basic level.

There are many MNers who can help you put into words what you are feeling.

Words are cheap, in his case so are actions: flowers, date nights, so what. Perhaps his ex began to make demands on him. He can retreat to you and lay low. Now he wants to make a clean breast of things to show willing. I do not know where you will go from here but wish you luck and hope you feel you have some say in the matter.

I would still seriously consider counselling. It's not just for couples who want to stay together, it can also be useful in helping you to separate, if that is what you ultimately decide to do.

It can also help you to process in your own mind, in a neutral environment what has happened, and what you want. Whether you want to stay together, or you want to separate. He made his choice when he had the affair.

Either way, I wish you all the luck in the world, regardless of what you decide.

FWIW, I had a post on here about a year ago seeking advice on what do to, having found out about my DH's affair. We've only been married for 8 years but we have 3 young DC's. Although my circumstances are different, a lot of what you are describing sound so familiar. Basically, my husband continued an affair for a year, although I suspected/found out/confronted him numerous occasions. When it all came to its head a year ago, he was very apologetic, kept saying how much he loved me and how he wanted to fix things. He had also a couple of times before indicated to me that he wasn't happy, didn't feel loved etc. He is a very selfish man with a need for an enormous amount of attention and I think he simply couldn't cope with me having to give so much attention to my newborn DS. During the year that the affair went on, I tried to hard to be the perfect wife, shower him with attention and have lots of sex. Anyway, despite his so many lies and the huge betrayal, I found myself incapable of throwing him out or ending the marriage a year ago, although I knew he had treated me so badly. Many of the MN'ers tried to explain to me that, until he really thought he was losing me, he would just continue disrespecting me.

They were right! I just found out two weeks ago, a whole year after I thought the affair had finally ended, and I had made such a big effort to repair our marriage, tried to build up trust etc, he was back in her bed again. And it wasn't the first time in the past year.

Finally I had had enough and I kicked him out right then and there and I got in touch with my lawyer the straight away to file for divorce. He was shocked and devastated - apparently never thought it would come to this - I mean really!

And I agree with one of the previous posts, I feel relief, it is so exhausting to try to keep the marriage together, I have been on high alert for two years, wondering what he was up to, whether he was still not happy, whether I was doing something wrong.

I know you won't be able to leave him until you feel ready but think about your own self-respect. I also can't help wonder whether, if I had not been so forgiving and had been stronger and more sure of my worth and kicked him out the first time I found out about the affair, maybe he would've realised his mistakes sooner and we could have worked things out and still be together now.

Living - so sorry to hear your update all that effort for nothing

Yes, it is true that cheaters are motivated by loss - you need to ask him to go away to give you time and space to decide if you want to try again. And if you take him back, make sure he meets certain conditions including working on himself to find out what was in him that made him justify cheating as a way of resolving his issues and on addressing his flaws.

Mad - well, I look at it like this, I can leave the marriage knowing that I did everything I could and I can tell that to the children when they get older. No one can say I gave up too easy. But I should've taken a tougher line.

I agree that you can hold your head high knowing YOU did everything to save the marriage and that it was HIM who failed you, the family and himself.