complete breakdown with my parents....

[mrskenyon]

i just need an outlet to tell my story, any comments appreciated.

i cant really see a way forward, they cant seem to treat me like they would a normal person, if i am with husband, they are lovely, if alone, they treat me like cr**. i simply dont understand.

looking back at childhood, there is so much i dont understand - why was my father so violent to me, eg smashing my head against walls, hitting me too hard, i was petrified of him, i was always the black sheep of the family, everything was my fault, my sister was holier than thou - to their face. they let me go out with a 17 yr old when i was 12, and a 21 yr old when i was 15, who beat me up, fractured ribs, smashed head etc.

i just thought violence was how you resovled things, cos that was how my father had treated me. where was my mothjer in all this???? where was she????

luckily for me i got out of the abusive relationship, went to uni, have had a lovely life, two precious children, finally got to anger management myself, as i am determined not to pass on this horrific temper to my children. my father never took responsibility... it was only when i had my children, that the memories of my fathers violence resurfaced. i called him on it, he said he didnt' remember. i still forgave hjim, over and over, he walked me down the aisle, we continued normal family relations.

but last couple years, when i see them, afew times a year, there have been two huge arguments, they treat me with no respect, its just awful

so right now, there is a sort of estrangement, if i am honest, i think that is being true to me, to let go of them, and their weird detachment from me. but it causes such pain in my heart, how can it be that me, i, am estranged from my parents? i have always wanted a close loving relationship with them, wld love to be able to call mum every day to talk to her, she is not interested in that at all/...

my husband says to be here, now, celebrate my family, my life, let them go, but i just cant quite do that, feel so much greif inside my heart.

sorry for so many words, thank you for reading...
xxx44

Hi Mrs Kenyon

You'd better get yourself over to the "But we took you to stately homes" thread; it's in Relationships. You'll find a whole new load of friends with similar experiences. You can learn some of their coping strategies there too.

Teeny

thank you , will read through that, i think it is no longer accepting new entries, but really helpful to look at...

just dont know how to find peace with this estrangement, even tho i know it makes sense.... am in denial, thatit all happened, that this is the true relationship i have with my parents, and sister too if i am honest, she has been complicit too somehow.....

Yes please join us on the Stately Homes thread. We understand honestly & can support you.

mrskenyon

It is NOT your fault your parents are abusive; a likely scenario here is that their own childhoods were violent and/or emotionally abusive. You did not cause them to act this way.

It is indeed to your credit that you have finally managed to break the cycle with regards to your own family unit. Concentrate all your energies on them. Your parents and sister are truly unworthy of any of your time and it is certainly ok to cut such people off completely.

What you are describing is a childhood at the hands of totally dysfunctional and toxic parents - one of whom was also violent at that time. Your mother knew what was going on but for her own selfish reasons stayed.

Many children now adults of such toxic parenting have FOG in spades - fear, obligation, guilt. It may be a combination of all three that makes you still want to have a relationship with your parents. They will never be the nice kindly people you want them to be. Also such people do not apologise for their actions; infact they are following the usual toxic parent script here by stating that they do not remember.

It sounds also like you are describing the golden child/scapegoat situation that often happens within such dysfunctional family units. People from families end up playing roles; you were scapegoated by these people because it was easier to blame you than blame them.

I would suggest you read the "Stately Homes" thread and which I bumped up for you and read "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward as a starting point. Counselling for your own self would be helpful.

I would also seriously consider keeping your children well away from your parents as well because they could well start on you via them given any opportunity. Such people going by the current behaviour would bring nothing at all positive into their lives anyway so you're better off without them at all in your lives.

thankyou so much for your kind words, tears in my eyes here,

i know i need to move on in a different way, just need some support, courage, to do that, to be true, to stop pretending that it never happened, right now i dont know if i can ever look at my father again,

but he is old, he must feel so sad, i feel so sad about it all, here i go again,.... how cld my mother have done nothing,,, why do they continue to treat me with such indifference, disdain, rudeness, i have had enough of that, but my heart is broken,,,, do i still crave, need their approval after all these years??????

Hi mrskenyon,

for you.

Many children now adults of such toxic parents still want their approval regardless of how abusive they have been and continue to be.

He is now old but he has like all toxic people never taken any responsibility for his actions towards you nor has apologised to you either. I doubt very much that he is feeling sad; such people remain bitter, damaged and twisted.

Your mother has stayed with him for her own selfish reasons; neither you (or for that matter your golden child sister) were ever fully considered in her overall plans. Her role in the dysfunctional family unit she also helped along with your father to create was one of bystander; acting out of self preservation and want of a quiet life. She also utterly failed you as a parent and continues to do so.

BTW do you have any sort of relationship with your sister now?.

As mentioned previously counselling for your own self would be very helpful to you. BACP are good and do not charge the earth. Do look at the "Stately Homes" thread too and post on it.

I will reiterate - it is NOT your fault they are so damaged. You did not cause that to happen.