HELP!!!! EX HUSBAND IS CRAZY!

[pie]

Ok, now I got you attention I am desparate for some advice...

My Ex and I split up 2 years ago when our daughter had just turned 1. He hardly sees her and has NEVER given me any money for her keep. My lovely current Husband got together 18 months ago. They ADORE each other and given the amount of time they spend together he has become Daddy.
My ex say my daughter 3 times last year and that last time being in August 2001. I have just got off the telephone from the Ex who want to see the little one tomorrow...I said 'fine' When I gave her the phone to say 'hello' I referred to the Ex by his name, not as Daddy. So I get the phone back and he is having a fit, that she can only call him Daddy and that my new husband is not allowed to be called Daddy. I told him that I was never going to lie to her about who he (the EX) was, but he can't expect her to understand that her Daddy (the EX) never sees her but that he has placed a ban on the man who spends everyday with her being her Daddy.

How am I supposed to reason with this man???
My Husband wants desparately to adopt her....my ex will never give her up, on a point of principle I feel rather than out of a fatherly relationship. I mean he saw her 3 time last year, and not since August. And then it was only for an hour. Should I tell him that my husband wants to adopt her and is prepared to got to court?

I can't understand why he (ex) thinks he can waltz in and out of her life.

In extended families, you often get several "Mummies", and they are called Mummy , so maybe you could do the same and have Daddy John and Daddy Paul for example. If it was me, I'd try and allow for your Ex in this case, if he saw her 3 times last year, it sounds as though he does want to stay in her life.

At the risk of upsetting anyone, I'd say go to court now and get it sorted with the back up of law behind you because it's not fair to treat a child like this. Someone who pulls that kind of emotional blackmail needs sorting sooner rather than later. In my opinion, someone who sees her 3 times a year does not rate anymore courtesy than the fact that biologically he is her father. Is he prepared to take on more Dad duties? Are you prepared to let him? This is not just a one way thing - perhaps he needs reminding. If he hasn't paid anything towards her keep, then this is probably why he thinks he can get something else for nothing. I bet your postman or meter reader sees your daughter more often than your ex-husband - should they have a special relationship too?! I have no idea how accrimonious or not your break up was, but could this also be another way to hurt you? Take legal advice asap, really.

Unfortunately even though he's not being a good Daddy, he still is her Daddy. A friend of mine's daughter has her Daddy which sees not often enough but her stepfather she calls Papa. Could you not try something like this? Or like already suggested Daddy then the christian name. It will also avoid confusion for your daughter as in years to come the man she thinks is Daddy really isn't. Good Luck. R

I have will never hide the truth from my daughter about my Ex, but I don't see why he should have all the rights and my husband has none. My daughter has no idea who my ex is, and this is not because I won't let him see her or anything, but THREE times in a year....shes only just 3 so your right I think she knows the postman better then her biofather.

As it stands my husband wouldn't be allowed to agree to the treatment of a broken arm, he would have to ring my ex, who she doesn't know. My ex has cancelled seeing her about 5 times in the last 6 months so I don't tell her that he wants to see her as she will get upset if she understands the full situation.

He has never given me any money, saying he has none, but I know he goes clubbing and gets tatoos and has brought his new girlfriend an engagement ring.

I can never just wipe him out...my daughter is half him, but I want her, and us I guess, the have security and stablity, neither of which he has ever been able to provide.

I just don't want to have a huge battle. But my ex thinks that what he has provided for her is enough, he honestly does!

I have will never hide the truth from my daughter about my Ex, but I don't see why he should have all the rights and my husband has none. My daughter has no idea who my ex is, and this is not because I won't let him see her or anything, but THREE times in a year....shes only just 3 so your right I think she knows the postman better then her biofather.

As it stands my husband wouldn't be allowed to agree to the treatment of a broken arm, he would have to ring my ex, who she doesn't know. My ex has cancelled seeing her about 5 times in the last 6 months so I don't tell her that he wants to see her as she will get upset if she understands the full situation.

He has never given me any money, saying he has none, but I know he goes clubbing and gets tatoos and has brought his new girlfriend an engagement ring.

I can never just wipe him out...my daughter is half him, but I want her, and us I guess, the have security and stablity, neither of which he has ever been able to provide.

I just don't want to have a huge battle. But my ex thinks that what he has provided for her is enough, he honestly does!

Sorry... Major computer screw up....

Cancelling seeing her is worse than not giving money IMO. How rotten that situation must be for you. But he's still her biological Dad. Isn't there any legal right of guardianship for your husband, apart from the whole process of formally adopting her? Can't they both have rights at the same time? There must be so many families in the same situation as yourselves.

pie, I have had a similar experience. Frankly, what matters is your daughter and parental tension must be overcome. However, I realise this puts emphasis on reasonable behaviour and as individuals we can only control our own behaviour. My advice is seek legal advice, get a formal agreement regarding regular access and agree to review the situation when and if he keeps to the initial agreement. It is very important that your daughters stability is compromised as little as possible and allowing her father to call by just when he feels like it, particularly as it happens so rarely, will confuse your daughter. You cannot unfortunately prevent him from letting down. Your dh and yourself will simply have to be there for her as you already are if/when this happens. Hopefully he is committed to his daughter an dwill gradually build a relationship with her in frequent time together that once your daughter and yourself trust him, can be built on and then visits can be lengthened etc. If there is a problem with the two of you get a third party involved so that you and he don't actually have to meet. Make sure it is a safe and secure but neutral place. Social services do have family welfare units in all areas.

On the subject of adoption a friend and her husband are going through this at present and as the law stands without the biological fathers consent your husband will not be able to adopt your daughter. What your husband presently supplies your daughter with; a loving, responsible paternal role model is much more important. Try not to let the adoption sideline you all. It is important that your daughter gets to know her father faults and all and that way -however difficult it is for you - she will grow up and gain her own opinion of him based on his behaviour towards her. It is not easy and her father will possibly try numerous tactics to undermine you, he may well not put your daughter first. His motivations are not your concern. Give her the chance to get to know him but keep it formal initially and then go from there. hopefully it will all work out well although believe me there are no guarantees however reasonable you are.

Good luck,

Sounds messy- poor you, Pie. It sounds like the only thing you can do is what you're already doing- consider the situation as far as possible from your daughter's point of view, keeping your own justified resentments toward your ex out of the picture, if you can.
I believe that current thought is strongly in favour of children being told explicitly about their biological relationships, from the earliest age. So I think you're right to stress to your daughter that your husband loves her as if he were her Daddy but is not, in fact, her father and that she has a Daddy who doesn't live in the house and also loves her. It might be less confusing for her to have another name for your husband- can you come up with an affectionate nickname or something?
With regard to your husband's rights I would take some legal advice. It may be possible to come to some legally binding agreement without going down the adoption route.
Good luck.

Pie, no advice I'm afraid just very curious as to your situation because it sounds very familiar. I split with my ex just before our baby was born and the last time he saw her she was 4 months old. She's now 2, I don't have another partner yet (here's hoping!)but I can imagine what you're going through and I'm sure I'll be facing it myself in the future. The ex sent me a text msg a few months ago saying 'how's MY daughter?' (Which I didn't reply to) I was so mad that he could call her that, she has nothing to do with him apart from genetics... I like your term 'biofather' that's exactly how I feel too.

I hope you can find some peace in this situation, its really been the thing I'm dreading most, and every day I look at her and wish for the security that you have acheived with your current partner. I send you lots of luck and am obviously very interested in any developments you make. Please keep us posted,
L

Pie - am also in a similar situation, so you have my sympathy. There is no great animosity between me and my daughter's father but she was 15 months old before he first saw her. I had to initiate ALL contact with him, feeling very humilited in the process. He does give me some maintenance now but it took 2 years to get anything from him. And what he does pay only pays for about 2 days of childcare per month. And it's never gone up in 2 1/2 years.

The situation is complicated by him living 200 miles away and being involved in another relationship with a woman to whom he has a further 2 children. He only told his partner about my daughter when she was 3 (she was conceived during a break in their relationship).

Before this, he was coming to see her about twice a year but things have now become a little more strained - last time he wouldn't even let me take a photo of my daughter with him because his partner is uncomfortable with that. He never telephones to see how she is.

Also, because of the original secrecy, I never felt I should pursue him through the CSA because I felt it was his responsiblity to inform his partner, not mine. Plus, I didn't want to create any impediment to him having any sort of relationship with his daughter.

For me, the money is secondary. I feel it is so important to appear positive about her father and totally honest - my daughter knows about her half-siblings and asks about them. She is half her father and any negative feelings you may have towards him will be picked up by her and directed at her - he's bad, I'm bad. Your daughter will work out the truth of the situation when she is older and realise who are the people who have had to do the real parenting. My daughter used to love telling me that she loves her dad more than me but this Christmas, for the first time, there was been a slight swing in favour!

I wish you all the best but children are not soft - they know what's important in the end. And, possibly, being a girl, she'll realise herself how much you, as her mother, have looked out for her happiness. And, if you can, forget about his tantrums. But, yes, seeking legal advice seems like a good idea.

Something else I thought about is that you are actually in control here. I mean that your ex has this perception - he must ask you for access and so on. Whilst you are in control of the situation then you can set the pace and control the access etc. If you can get legal advice, I'd strongly recommend it to you, because of any future demands he may make which you may not wish to acceed to. Don't set any precedents now which will be difficult to get out of later. A relative of my boss went through something similar because her child's father was allowed very limited access and on these visits he (and his family) were teaching a 2 year old to say 'die mummy die' and worse. So she went to court (again) and the visits are now supervised until the child is old enough to make her own decisions about access to her father. I think in this case, about 6 or 7 years old.