Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Completely lost it this morning

54 replies

Mosman · 03/05/2013 04:28

We are booked in for couples counselling at 1.30 today.
I woke up this morning ate my tea and toast as normal, got up and something just snapped in me.
I pointed out to him that with me booking a weekend away in London and her going on holiday basically they fucked on every opportunity they had within a six week period and he said "well yeah I told you that" and that was it I flipped.
Slammed the bathroom door shut and he then tried to get to me in the bathroom, well that was it.
I emptied his clothes on to the bed and told him to get out, he tried to put his stuff back and that just wound me up more, I punched him on the back of the head, he threw me onto the bed and I carried on picking his stuff up and throwing it out the door onto the ground, told him to sleep in his car if he has no money.

I've finally cracked haven't I ? 12 weeks later and I am as angry as the day I found out, maybe more so.
But half of me keeps thinking for god sake it was a half hearted attempt at an affair, he couldn't perform after 4 attempts they gave up and it fizzled out really quickly.
What's the matter with me when I read in glasses book "not just friends" that other people forgive shagging their husbands business partner/best friend/years of infidelity ???

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/05/2013 12:36

He has acted poorly throughout your entire marriage to my mind. You've tried to keep the leaky boat floating.

I do wonder what you yourself learnt about relationships when growing up. That needs serious consideration.

Goodness alone knows what your children think of the two of you, they are perhaps wondering why on earth you are still together. What lessons have you both taught them about relationships?.

scarletforya · 03/05/2013 12:36

he couldn't perform after 4 attempts they gave up and it fizzled out really quickly

Sorry OP, I wouldn't believe any of that crap for a start. Don't almost all cheaters say they couldn't go through with it/couldn't get it up/only kissed etc blah blah....

If he's cheated on you so much would you not just rip the plaster off and get rid of him for good. You can't make a silk purse out of a sows ear and all that.

ImperialBlether · 03/05/2013 12:40

Mosman, do you mean you found out he'd had several affairs over a long time? When I found out my ex was seeing two women at the same time, it made me less jealous, because it made me realise neither of them knew about the other either, and I had that over them and, because he ended up moving in with one of them, I had it over him, too. I know it sounds mad, but it really helped me.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/05/2013 12:42

I think you're deluded about staying married

Sunnywithshowers · 03/05/2013 12:49

I'm not surprised you lost it. Flowers

Be kind to yourself. Whatever decision you make (forgive, try again, LTB) will take time.

Original poster
Mosman · 03/05/2013 12:51

I'm not staying married the divorce is well under way

OP posts:
Lemonylemon · 03/05/2013 12:51

Whilst its not the first time, he's been caught on all 5 at once

Personally, I could never stay with a man who did this to me and to our relationship.

I have to agree with Cog. I think that no price is worth paying to stay married. Your mental health is worth more than that.

Chubfuddler · 03/05/2013 12:52

So why on earth are you going to couples counselling?

Original poster
Mosman · 03/05/2013 13:00

To try and communicate without punching him in the head

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/05/2013 13:01

What you're describing is sheer frustration. And that happens when what we want to feel and what we are actually feeling are poles apart. It's like deciding that, after a lifetime of loving opera, you're going to start loving heavy metal music. You can read books written by people who love heavy metal, go to concerts, get counselling, meet bands, pray on your knees .... but if you don't love it, you'll never love it.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/05/2013 13:02

If all the counselling is for is to stay calm when communicating then ffs go by yourself and work on some techniques. He's a lost cause...

Flisspaps · 03/05/2013 13:07

You know violence isn't the answer.

However, you'll probably find that him finding alternative accommodation far more effective in aiding communication without you feeling the rage towards him than counselling. Living together knowing how he's treated you must be impossible.

And I'd still consider returning home sooner rather than later.

Chubfuddler · 03/05/2013 13:09

You need counselling on your own.

Sunnywithshowers · 03/05/2013 13:13

I agree with Flisspaps.

Original poster
Mosman · 03/05/2013 13:14

I wanted him to hear the damage he's done, his first wife just threw him out he never had to deal with the aftermath.
But I will go in my own next time.

OP posts:
Dahlen · 03/05/2013 13:17

Mosman - you're assuming that when he's exposed to the aftermath he'll feel bad about it. I don't think he will. If he was capable of considering the effect of his behaviour on others, he wouldn't have behaved in all the ways he has up to this point.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/05/2013 13:17

He never will deal with the aftermath. You've got to write this one off, stop contacting him and get him out of your environment PRONTO. Glad you'll be going alone next time. You can still have a better life. He's stuck the way he is....

Hopasholic · 03/05/2013 16:44

I'm not surprised you completely lost it Mosman.

It's been a long long time coming.

Get him out for your own sanity. Have you got finances sorted?

LineRunner · 03/05/2013 16:57

Don't go to counselling with him, Mosman. No good can come of it. Do it for you, on your own.

I recognise your anger. I really do. But you need to be right away from him. And he from you.

Bloody affairs. Like a psychic explosion.

bigbuttons · 03/05/2013 17:12

He sounds like a prick, but punching him in the head is really shockingShock

Ahhhcrap · 03/05/2013 17:15

Nothing wrong with what you did and understandable... 3 years on from my dh's affair and I still struggle on occasions. I can't go to certain cities as I know they met there, certain texts will set it off and on occasions I can't sleep for feeling shitty about it.. Even certain tv program's I can't watch as I was watching it when he was out shagging 'her'

But I also get days of peace now too..

I've always maintained that our marriage is like a piece of paper, by him having the affair he ripped it up. Now we've stuck and cello taped it back together, it might look like a piece of paper but it'll never be good as new or the same Hmm

bigbuttons · 03/05/2013 17:31

Maybe I am living in a different world here. There is nothing wrong with punching someone in the back of the head?? Really???
if someone posted on here and said "Ive been a real shit to my husband and we were rowing again and he punched me on the back of the head" the words "domestic violence' would be shouted. "phone the police etc etc.'

Longdistance · 03/05/2013 18:08

Aww, Mosman. Sorry you're having a rough time still. It seems like you exploded like a volcano, and all the hate and rage just spilled.
I am still surprised he is still there in the house with you. I would have lost my mind by now.
I agree that maybe getting counciling for yourself would be more beneficial to you, I doubt it'll help him, he sounds like a lost cause.
I think you need to do something drastic so he's not around you ie move back to the Uk/ press him to move out without losing it
Something needs to change, as, like me you'll never forgive him, so you won't be able to move on in your 'marriage' or your life in fact, as you're in a rut.

classifiedinformation · 03/05/2013 18:33

Nothing wrong with being angry, everything wrong with both of you being physically violent to each other. There is no relationship.

cinnamonsugar · 03/05/2013 20:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.