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Original poster

Would you date someone who was separated but not divorced?

42 replies

Dahlen · 01/05/2013 16:36

I know someone who's dating a man who is separated for two years but not divorced. (He is definitely separated rather than just claiming to be.)

I think there are issues involved in dating a man who still happens to be married to someone else. But that's my opinion. A lot of people disagree with me. I'm interested in finding out what others think.

OP posts:
freddiemisagreatshag · 01/05/2013 16:38

I have done. As long as they are definitely separated and divorce is chugging forwards what's the issue?

MirandaWest · 01/05/2013 16:39

Yes, I do :) Both my DP and I are separated but not divorced. We are both waiting for two years separation before divorcing. I am sure it could be an issue but so could dating a divorced person.
Does she seem happy about her situation? What do you feel is wrong about it?

KirstyoffEastenders · 01/05/2013 16:40

Don't see what difference it makes, a divorce is just a piece of paper, who cares?

Original poster
Dahlen · 01/05/2013 16:40

Neither he nor his wife have filed for divorce yet, nor seem to have any intention of doing so. It appears that there is always some reason why it's not quite the right time.

Maybe it's just me. Once I'd accepted my marriage was over I couldn't wait to tie up all the loose ends.

OP posts:
scaevola · 01/05/2013 16:42

It all depends on the state of the separation and whether he is genuinely disentangled from STBX. It's not just the 'official' leaving, but state of admin between them.

And also (very importantly) whether he's actually over the marriage, and appears to have learned from its ending. I wouldn't want to be nursemaid to someone who is still in a bad place, or with someone who has problematic behaviour patterns which could recur.

SizzleSazz · 01/05/2013 16:42

I am married to someone who I met when he was separated. However, he was keen to get the divorce moving on. If that hadn't been the case, I might have been a bit Hmm

Crinkle77 · 01/05/2013 16:44

yeah I would date someone who is separated. But I suppose it depends if the wheels of motion have been set with regard to a divorce.

fastdriver · 01/05/2013 16:45

Are you a journalist?

FreckledLeopard · 01/05/2013 16:46

I'm separated and not yet divorced and not actively pursuing the divorce thing yet either. But am living 120 miles away from ex, have seen him once in six months and am totally split from him. Will get divorced at some point, just haven't gotten around to it yet.

RugBugs · 01/05/2013 16:46

Maybe they don't have the spare couple of hundred pounds it costs to file for divorce.

I certainly don't but wouldn't qualify for any of the fee assistance. My ex won't file any time soon, he knows he'll have to give me some money and he's a tight bastard.

Original poster
Dahlen · 01/05/2013 16:47

fastdriver no I'm not.

Miranda, I think your situation is slightly different as you and your DP are going through a similar process. Ironically, your respective divorces could bring y ou closer together because you could work through them together.

I had an amicable divorce and I got over my H very quickly really. But the process of divorce led to a lot of reflection about relationships and life in general, and that took a lot longer to work through. As a result of working through it, I ditched another relationship because I realised I wanted time to myself to be single. I guess that's my main concern - not just that the divorce may end the relationship full stop, but that it may take him a lot longer to reach the 'next stage; than her - leading to arguments about commitment issues, etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dahlen · 01/05/2013 16:50

He and his wife still own a property together held in joint names, although only he is paying the mortgage and living in the house. Neither one of them could get a mortgage in their own right. Although he doesn't ahve money to burn, he could afford to get divorced unless it all gets horribly nasty (no reason to suppose that as they get on reasonably well I think).

OP posts:
LulaPalooza · 01/05/2013 16:52

My ex was married but had been separated for 4 years when we got together. I helped him sort the divorce out but only because we bought a flat together. His ex-wife had moved to the US so it was a bit complicated tracking her down but it was all amicable.

Original poster
Dahlen · 01/05/2013 16:53

Judging from the responses on this thread, it seems that most people don't have a problem with it. I find that interesting. It would really bother me. I don't think there's a right or wrong about it BTW, and every set of circumstances is different, but I just wanted to gauge the general consensus.

OP posts:
Mum2Fergus · 01/05/2013 16:55

DP officially married but separated right up until DS was 3 months. His XW was in another country and did everything to avoid the papers. Court eventually gave up trying to serve!

fastdriver · 01/05/2013 17:00

I'm separated but not divorced. Divorce is not yet in process and probably won't be until we've been separated for two years or however long you have to wait.

I wanted to separate but it's been really hard, like you said Dahlen lots of reflection. I still feel a long way off wanting a new relationship.

You are probably right it is a process that varies from one person to the next so it is a risk that the other isn't in the same place as you are.

Personally I'd feel very wary about getting seriously involved with someone who was separated. Separation is easily reversible. The person could go back to their spouse and it would be very difficult if that happened. On the other hand, someone separated might be looking for something without too much commitment which could work well if you felt the same.

The religious/legal side of it - the fact that someone is, on paper, still married wouldn't be an issue for me.

I think also the circs make a difference, how far on from each other the former spouses are, how amicable they are, etc. Plus whether there are practical issues to consider like if a new relationship might impact on a divorce or settlement.

Sorry lots of ramblings there, been sitting in the sun this afternoon.

Viviennemary · 01/05/2013 17:01

If the person has no intention of divorcing then I think that would be a problem. But if they are just waiting for the divorce to go through then I think they should be free to date other people.

hellsbellsmelons · 01/05/2013 17:10

This would not bode well for me then.
I separated 3.5 years ago and still not even filed for divorce.
He does live in another country though.
And we still have property in both our names.
Does that make me a bad person??

filthypig · 01/05/2013 17:10

I would usually say yes but a couple of years on MN has made me think that it is code for 'lying about his intentions!'

Runwayqueen · 01/05/2013 17:13

I hope people do.... I'm seperated and have been since oct 2011. My divorce will be filed next week.

Fortunately my boyfriend doesn't have an issue with it. We met jan 2012. The only thing we won't do is live together until the divorce is complete, but that's just my personal choice

IneedAsockamnesty · 01/05/2013 17:17

I wouldn't date anybody full stop because I hate people all of them.

Actually that's a joke I've just always wanted to say it and never had the opportunity.

I have been separated for nearly 3 years I am still married I currently have no intention of actually divorcing my ex will not divorce me as he does not think he should have to pay any court fees. However I have protected myself with a judicial separation and protection orders. I will keep up with my lack of intention until I feel like it ( sorry DV involved its a grasping back control thing for me) or of course he could pay to divorce me anytime he liked.

My ex is dating someone else obviously she has no issues about his lack of a divorce.

I haven't clapped eyes on the bloke since the armed response unit surrounded my house and then carted him off and I am unlikely to ever again.

I would view any separated person as a probable no go area unless I knew their ex had no issues with them as a person all children involved were catered for above and beyond the minimum contribution the csa asks for and they had resolved any outstanding emotional issues legally married or not.

Earlybird · 01/05/2013 17:17

Consider it carefully, is my advice.

A friend did this, and ended up being named in the divorce petition with the cause for divorce listed as 'adultery'. It was ludicrous, but the ex was angry that her h had 'moved on' - think she hoped they would reconcile.

expatinscotland · 01/05/2013 17:20

No. Been there, bought the tshirt.

MirandaWest · 01/05/2013 17:20

What about people who haven't got married and then split up - is there a certain procedure you should go through before dating them?

EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 01/05/2013 17:20

As long as he was living separately and they were not having sex then why not?