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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Single? The truth.....

83 replies

Sunshineandflowers · 30/04/2013 17:13

I have a thread on AIBU at the moment about the way my mum has reacted to me telling her I am thinking of leaving DH. Basically she has told me how awful being single is (she was for about 18 months) so I would really appreciate anybody who can verify the following claims:

That it's soul destroyingly lonely sitting on own all evening and weekend
That all my friends will become convinced I will steal their DHs and will not want to know me.
That every man I meet won't want to know me as I have children.
That I will regret every day leaving DH.

Apparently I need to make more effort, go on "date nights" etc. Despite the fact I have been unhappy for 10 years.

So is that dire on the other side. Did you leave and wish you'd stayed?

OP posts:
colditz · 30/04/2013 17:15

A) yes, true, so don't do it. Watch tv, read, have a bath. You don't have to stare at old pictures and weep.
B) some might. Seem people are knobs.
C) there are as many divorced dads as there are divorced mums
D) if you don't want to fix it, this won't work.

dontyouwantmebaby · 30/04/2013 17:25

being single is nowhere near as 'awful' as spending 10 years of your life in an unhappy relationship.

one door closes, another opens. I don't know your story and haven't seen your other thread so not quite sure why you have to be the one to 'make more effort'. If your partner knows how miserable you are, what's their story? Have they tried to address whatever the issue is too? If they don't know, you should tell them.

you can be as lonely sitting indoors with the wrong person in your life as you can by yourself, more so in fact. in my experience, plenty of my friends with children have gone on to meet new partners later in life and seem much happier whilst others are content to remain single, whatever works for you! doesn't mean you will never meet anyone ever again if you want a new relationship in the future.

Why would your friends suddenly think you were after their husbands? Do people really think like that just because a woman becomes single? Shock its not such a stigma I don't think.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/04/2013 17:31

There is a special circle of hell reserved for nasty old women that would rather you stayed trapped in a miserable marriage (the way they presumably are) than be independent and happy. Her list is just shameless scaremongering. Evenings can be as quiet or as busy as you make them. She might be insecure & paranoid about single women luring husbands away but most of your friends probably aren't. (Never experienced it personally) You aren't looking for a replacement husband you're going to be independent , that's the whole point. But, if you were looking for a new partner, the type of man that doesn't like your kids is not even going to get a second date... You might regret leaving your DH on bad days but you'll get over it.

Big, fiery, smelly circle of hell.....

Mutt · 30/04/2013 17:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Sunshineandflowers · 30/04/2013 17:33

Yes I've tried to address the issue with him :(

What I tried to get her to understand was that I am lonely. Lying next to somebody who doesn't even want to be your friend anymore? How can being on my own be worse than that?

Oh don't get me started on finding someone new. Every man I meet would want to be priority above my DC apparently and I will have to accept that.

OP posts:
dontyouwantmebaby · 30/04/2013 17:34

OP just read your other thread now. am so sorry you're mum isn't providing the comfort & supportive words to you. my mum is totally the same. the only time I ever confided in her when I was having relationship problems & didn't expect any practical help but wanted kind words/reassurance and I got nothing! Very difficult when its your mum.

I think you'll find there are lots of people who have managed to leave & find happiness, hope you do too. No point being unhappy anymore with the wrong person.

acceptableinthe80s · 30/04/2013 17:37

No, not dire at all, quite the opposite actually. Some people are better at being single than others but imo boredom/loneliness are a state of mind.
Having good friends helps a lot and no none of mine think I'm going to steal their partners, what an odd thing to say.
I wouldn't dream of staying with someone who made me unhappy, been there, done that, never again.

Original poster
Sunshineandflowers · 30/04/2013 17:38

Thank you. It's so very strange how this has made me feel very pathetic, wanting reassurance from my mother at 39? I should be able to be a grown up about all of this.

It's compounded by the fact that I now understand why my mum ignored the fact my stepdad abused me, because his life was more of a priority than mine. That's why she stayed married to him because that was more important than leaving him and protecting me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sunshineandflowers · 30/04/2013 17:40

I have friends who are divorced and unhappy, they can't bear to be alone for a minute. I think I might be ok, I'm the kind of person who's quite happy going shopping and for lunch on my own. I quite like my company. And I like my children's company too!!

OP posts:
Mutt · 30/04/2013 17:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LineRunner · 30/04/2013 17:43

It was my mother who convinced me to marry my ExH, and who believed his crock of shit when he left me and the DCs. I don't have contact with either of them now.

Being single is quite nice if you have friends. That's why sometimes I like working, it brings me friends. Of course it has its downsides, but nowhere near as bad as being with someone who sucks the very life out of you.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/04/2013 17:43

People like your mum are very insecure and assume other people are as well. If she hero-worships rotten men into the bargain then don't ask her for advice any more.

The friends who are divorced and unhappy, were they the ones that initiated the split or did they have divorce thrust upon them? I'd guess the latter.

ruddynorah · 30/04/2013 17:46

No. I left my marriage 6 months ago. I should have done it two years ago. What a waste of time those miserable years were.

I've now met a wonderful man who's also separated and has dc. It makes me very cross to think of those wasted years.

Original poster
Sunshineandflowers · 30/04/2013 17:46

Yes the latter, although one of them was having an affair and got caught.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sunshineandflowers · 30/04/2013 17:48

I don't want to be so unhappy that I meet somebody who hurts my children. Staying is preferable to that.

I spent months in therapy dealing with this childhood crap and I've walked straight back in for another helping.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 30/04/2013 17:50

It's compounded by the fact that I now understand why my mum ignored the fact my stepdad abused me, because his life was more of a priority than mine. That's why she stayed married to him because that was more important than leaving him and protecting me.

Here is the crux of it.

Ignore your mother. She has a vested interest in seeing you make the same mistakes she made, because it mitigates her own (in her own fucked up head)

I haven't seen your other thread. But I do know your mother is a disgusting individual.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/04/2013 17:52

You will NEVER let someone hurt your children. You're not her. You will probably become so blissfully happy enjoying your own company and the new social life you've carved out for yourself that you're not keen at all to bring some idiot bloke into it, messing up your cupboard contents and leaving shaving bloodstains all over your new white towels!!!

Original poster
Sunshineandflowers · 30/04/2013 18:36

Thank you for the shaking.

Anyone else tell me how miserable it is. Maybe I will have to live with lots of cats? Or take up embroidery?

How I will be turning up at friends houses unannounced to flirt with their husbands?

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/04/2013 18:44

I live with one cat and a 12yo. I cannot sew for toffee but my piano playing is really coming along! If there was a fire, I'd save the piano (kidding) I'd flirt with my friends' DHs but they are all boring things like accountants and besides, I know all their many faults. Lord 'Towel Bleeder Cupboard Distresser' has his own place, thank goodness.

Original poster
Sunshineandflowers · 30/04/2013 18:47

3 DC, 1 dog, 2 cats here. Heaven knows when I'd find time to be lonely!!

She really has scared me though. But I'd love to have an evening where I didn't dread the key in the lock :(

OP posts:
WhiteBirdBlueSky · 30/04/2013 18:57

Not half so lonely as being with someone who makes you unhappy.

Moanranger · 30/04/2013 18:59

I am two months separated, and while I have moments of real sorrow, I am finding there are many, many nice people around. We split right before my B-day when he was supposed to have taken me to a nice hotel, which he never even booked. So I rang around a bunch of friends & my kids & had a nice dinner out, surrounded by love, affection, presents, cards & flowers. Since then, my rule is to go to everything I am invited to, just get, circulate & talk to people.
There is also the world of Meet Ups, which are activities for single people, but not dating per se. I have joined a bunch of these, so there are one or more invites in my email in box every day.
What is great is getting out & seeing men who are socially appropriate, unlike my STBXH. And while I am a long way from looking for someone new, there has clearly been some interest from men, which is great for my self-esteem at the moment. Life will get better, & you deserve happiness.

StuffezLaYoni · 30/04/2013 19:03

Oh god. Sunshine, please don't become one of those older women who look back with bitter eyes and resentment, boring everyone with teir tales of how everyone treated them badly, when in reality its because THEY failed to change their situation.
It is a thousand times worse being in a loveless, unfulfilling relationship than it is being single. Being single is GREAT. I've moved 220 miles from my friends 9 months ago and am single, it's taken a while but I'm sitting h, curled up with a glass of wine, planning a dinner party for Wednesday. Nobody to tell me I'm spending too much. Nobody to moan about who's invited. Honestly, it's a bloody good option, singledom.

Lueji · 30/04/2013 20:23

But I'd love to have an evening where I didn't dread the key in the lock

You will probably find that being lonely by yourself is not as bad as being lonely with a bastard partner.

I was by myself for over a year before I started dating again, and now single again for about 2 weeks. I was 25 when I met XH and my first relationship.
Yes, sometimes I yearn for the companionship, but not the kind they gave me, particularly towards the end.
You will be ok if you remember that.

Personally, I love my own company, so I'm mostly ok.

You will be too if you learn to love yourself more. :)

BaconAndAvocado · 30/04/2013 21:03

Being single after having been in a rubbish relationship is downright fabulous!

I was on my own for 2 years after separating from my ex and felt so liberated and at peace.

Eventually I decided that maybe not all men are gits (and they aren't!) and started dating.

This is such a cliche, but very very true.... Life isn't a dress rehearsal.

Be strong, be kind to yourself and realise that happiness isn't defined by your status but by how you feel.

Good luck.

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