How do I know if a friend is a narcissist?

[TwoForTuesday]

I wonder if anyone might be able to give me a few descriptions about what a narcissistic friend is like? I'm confused by my friend's behaviour but not sure if she is a narcissist or not.

Thanks

Narcissists tend to be extremely self-centred with very little empathy or thought for how their behaviour affects others. They take offence very easily and irrationally. Often like to shit-stir & create little dramas to keep themselves the centre of attention. They can be manipulative or bullying, including or excluding, rewarding or punishing various people on a whim.

How am I doing? :)

I know it helps, but you don't really need a label in order to determine for yourself whether someone's behaviour is acceptable to you or not.

You are perfectly entitled to feel uncomfortable with a friend's behaviour and choose not to be around her any more, without a diagnosis.

Cogito, you have hit the nail on the head for her behaviour! HotDamn, you're right definitely, and tbh I am leaning towards what you have suggested.

To cut a long story short, I met this woman on a forum about 4 years ago, when I had my youngest child. We now have a facebook group and the group has dwindled to around 20 members now. We've all met up lots of times so I class them as real life friends now rather than just online ones, which makes it a little hard to just leave the group.

This woman is basically the main person of the group, everything seems to work around her. She is definitely very self centred and has little empathy or thought for others. I've not known her to shit stir, but she has lots and lots of little dramas. Often if someone else has a problem or a drama in their life she will pop up with a drama of her own. Her writing style is quite good and entertaining so of course the other person's problem is dropped in favour of hers. Nothing is straightforward with her, whether it's giving birth, having PND, being ill, or whatever.

I'd say she is very manipulative as she has somehow managed to convince the rest of the group that she is better than everyone. She is very much on a pedestal, and she is very very good at turning herself into the victim if someone ever challenges her. Or alternatively if someone gives a reply she doesn't want to hear, she just ignores them. I think I am being excluded and punished by her at the moment, possibly for not sucking up to her, as she totally ignores me at the moment and when it was her birthday last week she 'liked' everybody else's facebook messages on her wall and ignored mine.

The last time I saw her was on a weekend away in December with, I think, 8 of us, and she was very much the centre of attention there. She seems to have in a way convinced people she needs protecting and is vulnerable. For example we had to have our evening meal half an hour later than planned as she decided she wanted a lie down, and people were sat around saying that she probably did have the longest journey there (it was no longer than mine, and far shorter than a couple of people, who flew down from Scotland!), and poor thing, bless her, no wonder she was tired.

What I find too is she wants the softly softly 'there there hun, you are amazing' approach from others, but speaks to people with bluntness and with brutal honesty. She has been really rude to me in the past via Facebook PM after I posted on the group about something in my life and instead of being blunt and rude on the group she did it via PM instead.

I don't know about narcissism but you've got what I call a 'Queen Bee' PITA. :) I first encountered them in the primary school playground and because, like you, I'm not good at sucking up and I don't fall for the 'poor ickle me' crap, they made my life a misery.

Trick is to keep being yourself, don't fall for the emotional bullying, and don't hesitate to call out the Queen Bee if she's being particularly ridiculous. If she'd told me that she needed a lie down due to her arduous journey I'd have probably replied that yes... she was looking rather old and tired, poor thing. But then I can be such a bitch....

OP you have perfectly described an online friend of mine (it's not the same person though, I'm sure!) and I've always thought of her as a Queen Bee. In fact I'm sure she's described herself as one...

Agree with Cogito's way of dealing. It seems to work for me and I think she's caught on to the boundaries and knows I don't suck up like some of the others do.

Do any others in your group feel as you do?

Queen Bees are somewhat obvious though. I'm not saying they aren't narcissistic, btw.

Sometimes, when time is spent with a person and time after time, you come away just completely drained, emotionally, and don't quite know why...there may be a narcissist there. You may not be able to state in definite terms what or why you feel bothered, but eventually you come to dread being with them, even if they are springing for an entire week at the beach or theater tickets and dinner afterwards.

All about them

Their way or the highway

No empathy

Dismissive, however subtle or disguised in 'left-handed compliments'

May let you choose, but then everyone will know about how magnanimous they are for being so nice and caring and willing to go along with what someone else wants to do emphasizing this was not their choice...a slow IV drip of poison. (Not a show down, just casual phrasing of remarks that could be interpreted in more than one way.)

Need recognition or at least acknowledgement for just about anything they do- like archangels floating down from heaven to anoint them with a heavenly chorus declaring (how clear it should be to everyone) that they are a person of elevated status (above mere common mortals).

These are a few items. There are several books that are helpful. I enjoyed "The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists" available on Amazon (last time I checked ).

this behaviour sounds familiar to me too, we must all know one!

mine is extremely manipulative, a massive gossip, nosey, has constant drama in her life and has had pretty much a series of fallings out with various people that were 'good' friends a month ago etc. She somehow manages to court sympathy and will cling onto whoever will listen to her most. The pattern is, funnily enough, that she then drops them/cools off several months down the line usually when the 'listener' has had enough/cottoned on to her games/won't play ball.

just keep her at arm's length IRL avoid like the plague, people who give it (being blunt) but can't take it are draining.

I'd feel annoyed at her not liking my fb comment too esp when she liked everyone else's Silly I know as it shows how pathetic her behaviour is. In future, don't wish her happy birthday or anything, and put her fb profile & updates on 'hide' if you cannot defriend her because of the online group you're a member of.

Cogito- oh dear, that sounds like my stepdaughter. I have been wondering about the drama, self centred behaviour, manipulation, outburst, attention seeking etc. That is so not good...

I think everyone has the potential to be a narcissist, don't worry. :)

Nearly everyone has some narcissistic traits. It's possible to be arrogant, selfish, conceited, or out of touch without being a narcissist.

The practical test, so far as I know, is that with normal people, no matter how difficult, you can get some improvements, at least temporarily, by saying, essentially, "Please have a heart." This doesn't work with narcissists; in fact, it usually makes things worse.

I strongly suspect my mum is narcissistic. 2 of my aunts most definitely are.

I suspect my older sister is too...She's smoked cannabis for years but stopped about 6 months ago & I've got to say, even i can't stand her now! She's fallen out with so much family & even her best friend of 20 years.

What if i am? How would i know if i am? i worry about being self absorbed but i do have empathy for others... Would a narcissist be aware, they are a narcissist?
iyswim??

Cogito, it would actually be a relief to be able to have a label for her behaviour. She is grown up, but behaves like she is two, needs to have everybodies attention, everything her way, or she throws a MASSIVE tantrum, screaming, howling, twisting facts, threatening violence etc, and at the slightest perceived infringement. And then is all sunshine and light, until the next screaming hissyfit. And does this totally unpredictably- what incurred wrath and screams is perfectly fine if done by someone else, or even the same person 2 hrs later.
And she always claims it was everybody else shouted at her, and wasn't her fault.
Does that sound like a narcissist?

sorry, don't mean to sideline! Have actually got a thread about it in Stepparenting

I have a member of my extended family who I firmly believe is an out and out narcissist.

The levels of self absorption have to be seen to be believed. She is literally not interested in anyone other than herself. She forgets birthdays and anniversaries, including milestones, but god forbid you forget hers or one of her kids. She rarely gets in touch unless she wants something and we can go months on end without hearing off her.

This person is also incredibly deluded about who she is and her achievements . She is always going on about how she dragged herself out of "poverty" to get where she is today and how she had nothing growing up but I am very reliably informed that this is in fact cods wallop and while its true that she did live in a council house when she was younger her parents were in fact a lot better off than a lot of than their neighbours, and rather than never having anything she was spoiled rotten getting everything she asked for.

If you've done something she's done it as well but better, if you've been somewhere she's also been there and stayed somewhere nicer than you have. If you are ill then she's more ill than you are, if you've had a drama in your life then she's also had it but ten times worse. She also takes offence very easily and has fallen out with numerous friends over the years. She's been married and divorced twice and treated both her husbands like shit.

There is so much more I could say but I'd be here all day. The thing is once you've identified a narc you see people with narc traits all the time but this woman is by far the worse I've come across.

"Does that sound like a narcissist?"

It sounds like a spoilt brat with some undiagnosed MH issues.

that, undoubtedly.
How DO you decide between the one and the other, though- as already asked by OP?

No