Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

he doesn't really love me does he?

19 replies

stella10 · 29/04/2013 22:35

I shouldn't have to ask I know but things have been crap for so long I don't really know anymore. We have been together 5years married 2. Things not great lately but since our last child 6months we haven't had much time for each other and I wil admit I'd let the relationship slide. We have been betta just recently but stil not so close usual money worries but tonight he just went crazy over something small and I can tell these was more behind it he said I just pick and pick until he explodes but to be honest I hate his temper tantrums so I asked him what he was on about and as he got louder I told him to shut the hell up or he'd wake the kids then he went crazy and it turned a bit physical he kind of lunged at me grabbed me by the neck said it was my fault as I'd been drinking again....i told him I wasn't scared of him and by that point he'd been so aggressive I half wanted him to go the whole hog and hit me because then I knew I'd be rid of him.:-( pathetic I know but the way he went for me and looked at me I know he hates me. Surely noone can do that if they love you?? I nearly phoned police to have him removed but didn't. I've gone to bed as I know he wont follow me. Honest opinions please....i grew up with a father who had bad outbursts and I was afraid of but I do believe he loved my mother. Does he love me or is this it? You wouldn't get up in temper during an argument and grab someone you loved by the neck would you? I feel stupid even asking it I shouldn't have to:-(

OP posts:

lottieandmia · 29/04/2013 22:39

Whether he loves you or not is irrelevant - he is abusing you.

This is NOT your fault.

I am sorry you are going through this right now, I hope someone will be along who can help more than I can.

colditz · 29/04/2013 22:41

No, he doesn't love you, and if he grabbed your throat, you can call the police.

How about, tomorrow you ring women's aid? 0808 2000 247

They are really good. Abuse is not just a punch in the nose, it is grabbing, pushing, pinching, pulling you by your clothes, threatening you, and doing any of this where the children could hear it is child abuse.

He's abusing you, and if your kids hear it, he's abusing them too.

colditz · 29/04/2013 22:44

Love is something that has to be shown, not just said.

My ex used to tell me he loved me, especially if he had thrown me across the room a few hours earlier. He was all full of love then .... Except it wasn't, it was panic that I would call the police and make him leave. It was proven by the fact that he never had any respect for me. Love and respect go together. Someone who loves you, truly loves you, also respects you. I would never dream of grabbing even someone I didn't like by the throat, and that is quite normal.

What your husband did to you wasn't normal, it wasn't respectful, and it. Had nothing to do with love. He's not a safe person to live with.

TurnipCake · 29/04/2013 22:46

Love is an action, not a feeling, OP.

Stay safe tonight, hope you're ok x

AnyFucker · 29/04/2013 22:46

This is your Line In The Sand, right ?

Original poster

stella10 · 29/04/2013 22:51

Thanks for replies. I'll be honest my foot is killing me more than my neck and thats where I kicked him. Oh dear. I know I'm as bad as him but I think he did his bit first Infact I know he did I wouldn't have gone for him physicaly if he hadn't me. He was livid. I don't get why. There must be something behind it. I half want to ask him but he'll make it a massive row again get in my face and try and scare me. What is wrong with him I don't know. I need to leave I guess. Don't think we've loved each other a long time and maybe this is bound to happen in the end.

OP posts:

Original poster

stella10 · 29/04/2013 23:08

I don't feel ok no. I'm so upset because it must be the end I know because deep down I know that if I stay next time he wil hit me I know damn well how close he was tonight and thats because he's got away with things in the past. I really just don't know how to leave him but I'll work out a way its worth it I know. Grabbing me by the throat is not on. Why do men think its ok to do that?! Need make plans for single life. He has gone to stay with his friend tonight but just keep texting to say he's sorry and trying to turn it around that its my fault. What do I say? No point sayin anything as it will keep on being my fault I know. So tomorrow another day:-)

OP posts:

Original poster

stella10 · 29/04/2013 23:15

What will women's aid say?anyone know....can anyone in a decent relationship say if this has happened to them? Or does it just not??!

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 29/04/2013 23:21

This doesn't happen in decent relationships.

Monty27 · 29/04/2013 23:25

Is he taking anything? Doesn't sound normal to me.

Original poster

stella10 · 29/04/2013 23:40

No not on anything just tiered. We both get tiered from kids and work but I don't get the suddenly attacking me thing I think he has some deep hate issues I don't think he even knows it he tries to act loving but then this will happen. I admit when we are arguing I don't let it drop sometimes I feel why should I?should I be afraid to argue my point for fear of a slap? But where is the line? Should I just go? It will mean moving mine and four kids' stuff quickly?(I had two already) so it just seems rash but if I don't nothing will change will it?

OP posts:

tallwivglasses · 29/04/2013 23:57

Can he not leave?

deliasmithy · 30/04/2013 00:09

This sounds like an escalating situation - you said yourself you know where this is headed.

You're confusing love with anger, hurt, control/loss of control and violence. I also feel concerned about where your dc is in all of this- this is not something they need to be around no matter their age. Look at how you've been affected by the things you overhead as a child.

Pulling things out from what you've said:

Regardless of love its not on to physically assault someone. Would you be asking this if you saw a stranger do that to someone?
The fact that you're contemplating getting the police involved demonstrates the extent to which things have deteriorated.
He's blaming you for going on at him as a way of justifying his behaviour that absolves him of having to take self responsibility for controlling his temper. Someone being verbally annoying does not justify physical assault. He knows that.
It may be that he's getting angrier and more aggressive the less he feels in control of the situation, either that he cannot control you or hes frustrated by the escalating arguments but cannot see a way out of it.
Of course you're allowed to say your opinion. But it is about choosing when. If someone has lost their temper and you poke them a bit more what response do you think you'll get? I'm not advocating walking on eggshells. Your OH needs to manage his temper himself. But if you see warning signs that he's losing his temper then stay well away.

Original poster

stella10 · 30/04/2013 02:42

Yes I think he should leave aswel but he will agree to go and just wait for it to blow over. A part of me wants things to work out for the kids but wen the relationship has got so bad that its come to this I know it needs to end. I would literaly start moving tomorrow if I had somewhere to go but I don't have anywhere and its getting harder in the current economic climate to get housing especially in a hurry. Feel so down I no the chances are its just going to go on but the thought of living with him now just makes me feel so low. So is it assault to have grabbed me by the neck? I am worried if my eldest two ever wake up to that it will scare them.they did see him last time and they were scared. I do accept where I am to blame in an argument and for escalating things perhaps but he is the one who turns it physical and I don't get why. Am I right in thinking he needs help? Especialy as some of you are asking if he's on anything??!

OP posts:

Lueji · 30/04/2013 07:16

So is it assault to have grabbed me by the neck?

Bloody yes!

What if he had strangled you? He just needs to be a little bit angrier next time.

If he is taking something or needs help is beyond the point.
For your safety, he should leave. And he should realise that because he's not safe.

Then he can go for help.

AnyFucker · 30/04/2013 08:09

He should leave

Report his assault on you to the police

Get RL help

You are already bargaining this away

Don't subject your children to fear and violence, please

CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/04/2013 08:11

If you're wondering if this is assault, ask yourself how you would react if a total stranger had let themselves into your home, grabbed you by the neck and done the other things you describe. Would you think you'd brought it on yourself or would you be dialling 999?

Call the police. This is a serious assault and things will only get worse if you do nothing.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/04/2013 08:12

Womens Aid 0808 2000 247. Worth a call for advice and, if necessary, emergency accommodation. It's that serious...

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 30/04/2013 08:26

Get yourself some self respect and remember you are entitled to feel safe in your own home with the man you had children with. A stranger who did this to you? 999 and no hesitation. A person who has had an intimate relationship with you and even now tells you it's your fault and thinks he can do as he pleases? Who lets fly when he turns nasty? Do log this with the police. If not for yourself contact Women's Aid for your children.

Flip