Am I just a mug?

[Natmu]

DH does loads more than many other H's that I know. He's constantly cleaning and doing other housework and works hard at his job but there are loads of problems with our relationship.

I just tried to talk to him about how unhappy I am feeling. I have a history of depression and we are under a lot of pressure at the moment. We have a 5 year old DS and an 8 month old DS who defies every law of babyhood ever written. He has turned our lives upside down and I feel that 8 months on I am still in survival mode, just getting through each day.

Tonight I asked DH if he could possibly acknowledge some of the things I do for the family rather than continuously pointing out everything which he feels is unsatisfactory about the house/our lives etc. He jumped down my throat and started shouting about how I walk about with a strop on all the time and how did I think that makes him feel?

I have been building up the courage to bring up the subject for days because I knew that he would probably react like this and now I am left thinking 'why the hell did I bother?' This happens every time I try to talk to him about our relationship. I just feel like an idiot for believing that our marriage could be a good thing. So, am I a mug or just expecting too much?

Hi Natmu, hope you don't mind but I had a quick look at your other posts and my, you've had a time of it over the past few months haven't you - a screamy colicky baby driving you both to distraction, worries about a teenage DSD's antics, in laws putting their oar in - sounds like you're both just exhausted so it's quite understandable that you're struggling. I suspect it's DH as well as you that is in 'survival mode' so no, I don't think you're being a mug! In your posts you often mention how much you value DH's contribution to the running of your lives together - does your DH know that? Maybe it would be good to sit down and tell each other what's good, and try to build bridges that way?

Yes when you put it all together it's a lot to cope with! I hope no one looks at my posts and thinks 'god what a moany cow'.

I hear what you're saying about DH being under pressure too and your idea to tell each other what's good is a great one. I don't know how he'll receive it. He went to bed in a huff and is well known for sulking so may not talk to me for the next day or two. I will try it out though!

Of course you're not expecting too much. It sounds like you're at the end of your rope and so is he. Could you get away for an evening, plan dinner out or something, and talk? As Walk said he probably needs to hear how you value him. And just as much, you need to hear how he values you, and he's not dealing with your need very well, which isn't fair to you. But it looks like you're the one who has the energy and motivation to address things at the moment, so I'd go ahead and try to make a space for a few hours out. I think it will help you to talk to each other outside the house, away from the demands that surround you at home.

It'll probably take more than one talk to fix everything but it could be a good start.

The thing is he's never been good at fulfilling my emotional needs. I married him thinking I was tough and could cope without all the lovey dovey stuff because of his other qualities (he's a fantastic dad, works hard etc) but now we're going through these hard times I'm finding I do need it after all. Or at least a bit of encouragement..

I'm finding that I feel so resentful of him at the moment that it's difficult for me to say nice things to him. I'm resentful if the fact that it feels like I bear the brunt of daily life with the kids. He has never once got up in the night with either of DC's and lies in every morning because he doesn't sleep well at night. I've not had a single lie in since DS1 was born 5 years ago! He has to have a cup of tea in the morning before he does anything and I just feel like saying, what about me? I don't get that chance because I'm getting two kids ready and breakfasted and doing the school run. He gets his nights out with the boys and spends the next day recovering while I take the kids out to give him some space. I've had one 'night out' if you could call it that since DS2 was born. I didn't mean to turn this into a catalogue of whining because it makes him sound like a complete arsehole and he's not but I'm just finding it really hard to deal with him selfish side whilst I'm being snapped at all the time about how untidy the house is, why is dinner taking so long, what have you been doing all this time?? Etc etc.

I think your idea about getting out of the house is a good one Keats but we would probably have to do a walkin the park with DS2 coming along as he has very bad separation anxiety at the moment. Another point of contention because DH thinks I should be leaving him to cry.

Reading your last post, there's no question the relationship needs fundamental restructuring.

I would suggest arranging a conversation about it, so that he knows it's going to happen. E.g. I want to talk tonight about...

If he's not willing, it's hard to know what to do. He's not pulling his weight.

You say he does loads of housework, but if he's constantly nagging at you for the house not being tidy enough and why isn't dinner ready, what exactly is he doing?

And as for never having got up with either of your DC since they've been born.

I'm not surprised you're at the end of your tether.

I think you're also allowing him quite easily to get away with all this behaviour. Why does he get all the lie-ins? What would happen if one day you said 'you get up with the kids'? And why do you steer clear when he's hungover!?

It's all about balance, and at the mo it's all his way it seems.

It's not a catalogue of whining, natmu, sounds more like you were tending to over-egg the pudding when describing his contribution...is it a case of he does the jobs that he likes doing because of his OCD tendencies and you're supposed to pick up the rest? As opposed to distribution of tasks equitably? Do you feel able to claim back some of the 'rest time' - eg you have some lie-ins - re-define the balance a bit?

PS if he doesn't sleep well at night anyway, wouldn't it make more sense for him to be the one who gets up to wakeful DC's ?

I think you're right; a lot of the fault lies with me for letting him get away with it. I think I have got into the habit because it just makes for a quiet life. I also have a tendency towards being controlling and find it hard to hand over responsibility for things. I always feel like it's an admission that I can't cope if someone has to help.

DH does all the hoovering and dusting and gardening whilst I do all cooking, shopping and ironing then we share out cleaning bathrooms and any other chores like putting bins out, doing washing, loading dishwasher etc. I think he feels like he does more than me and he might be right but that's because I'm dealing with a very demanding 8 month old. His answer is to 'train' him by leaving him to cry it out which I have said point blank no to. His response is 'well you'll have to suffer then'.

When I have suggested that he might get up in the night with DC's he has said that if he had to it would wreck what little sleep he might be able to get because there's no way he'd be able to get back to sleep afterwards. There's also the fact that I am bfing so a lot of the time he couldn't help anyway.