Advice neded(again!!(

[nancysgirl]

I posted some time a the end of last year about my DH and how awful he had been to live with, and fortunately he has been more pleasant since then. in fact our relationship has been a lot better all round, thank God!
HOWEVER.....he had an affair last year which I decided to try and put behind us and try again, and he very much wanted to do as it had all been a "mistake", but sometimes I can just not forget it and tie myself in knots thinking it might still be going on.
The thing is at Xmas I found a receipt in a bag at home for a "wedding ring" that the woman he had had the affair with bought in Dec. I confronted Dh about it and he said that she had sent it to him at work with a letter asking to get back together with him. He says he sent it back to her, but forgot to put the receipt/guarantee in with it!!!!! He didn't tell me about it in case I got upset (!!). I decided that this was plausible and as I am playing the trusting game, gave him the benefit of the doubt.We did agree that he would send the receipt back to her with a letter saying that he did not want her to contact him again. BUT.. the receipt is still in our mantelpiece nearly 1 month later and I am wondering why he has not done anything abiout it. Not only that but I am still not convivced that he isn't still seeing her. I know her name and where she lives and am thinking of going round to confront her but am not sure what I will gain from this. Furthermore, I am so hurt at having to look at the b**y thing every day-does he not understand??!!
So, my question is-what would you do?? Can't sleep for thinking about it.

Rip the receipt into little pieces and put it back on the mantlepiece?

Sorry, I have no really good advice but wanted to bump this up of the top of the list again.

You poor thing. The only thing I can think of is that no man would buy a wedding ring for a woman he was seeing on the side. It just wouldn't make sense. He might buy her some jewellery, certainly, but not a wedding ring. To me I think he's telling the truth and she sounds a right bunny boiler. I can't imagine anything more likely to make a man run a mile than being sent a wedding ring in the post - more terrifying to the average unfaithful husband than a horses head at the end of the bed IMO. However, if you think he's still seeing her, then I would trust your instincts that all isn't well. I think you should talk to your husband about this. Why do you think he is seeing her? Does he vanish for long periods? Does he keep his mobile secret from you? Have you checked it for messages, recent calls etc? The receipt on its own is nothing IMO. If it was over he might be reluctant to write ANYTHING to her, and actually, I think it would be a good idea to totally ignore and blank her and just chuck the bloody thing in the bin, but if there is other suspicious stuff going on, you really do need to talk to him again IMO. I'm sorry you are going through this.

For starters I would get rid of the receipt. Throw it in the bin, rip it up, or burn it. Whichever method you prefer.

I'm not sure I'd want to confront the other woman just yet. You won't know if she is telling the truth anyway. If they're not together she may say that they are in the hope that it will split up you and dh.

For your own piece of mind I think you need to either confront your dh or do some detective work.

In the meantime I send you my very best wishes. xx

Oh poor you, it must be horrible living with this churning worry and doubt. I tend to agree with Aloha, but I think I would have a good look at the receipt and work out whether it is from a time and place he could have bought it, was it cash, etc, just to set my mind at rest. As for leaving it there, hard to generalise, but men do tend to be less sensitive to signals and symbols: they don't seem to attach so much currency to objects, so perhaps he really doesn't realise how impossible this is for you. A good starting point for a discussion. Leaving it abandoned there does also suggest his innocence, to my mind.
There are some very moving accounts on a couple of other threads at the moment from people who have been through the long process of repairing a relationship after an affiar, have you seen them? Take care of yourself, Nancysgirl, this is so hard. Hugs.

Im sorry but me being me and knowing where she stayed i would be likely to take the bloody reciept round to her myself and tell her to keep the f**k away from my husband.Not verey helpful or constructive i know but hey can you tell ive been in similiar situation.
Really i must say do whatever you think will help you in any way but most of all take care of you and yours.

Mmmm me too, I'd post it back to her asking the same thing...nooo telling her the same thing.
I cannot imagine how difficult it must be to learn to trust someone again, I do hope he is being sincere and doesn't let you down.
Take care
xx J

agree with blu about analysing the receipt before destroying it. It really is extraordinarily insensitive of him to leave it there for a month, but again agree with what blu said about this suggesting he's telling the truth

it must be really, really hard for you nancysgirl - good luck x

How are you, Nancysgirl?

Thanks for your replies everyone. Didn't get round to replying yesterday what with the snow and all! A bracing walk with a stroppy 2 and a half year old in a blizzard is good for taking your mind off other things!!

Haven't done anything yet-am working up to asking him why it is still there. I want to believe he is being honest BUT he doesn't make it easy. Yes, he does "disappear" and no I can't check his phone cos he's put a lock on it since I looked last time which was how I discovered the affair in the 1st place! Doesn't look good does it? I feel so frustrated not knowing what to do to find out the truth. The thought of going round to HER house is humiliating, and she may well tell me a pack of lies anyway. I could confront DH but he will deny it all as he did before and he is a very good liar. I have this horror of being 1 of those women you resd about in magazines whose husband has been leading a double life for years and you can't help but think "did they REALLY not know?" He gets all his mobile bills online and of course I don't know the password and have no plausible reason for asking for it. He has a job where he works very long hours a long way from home so he sometimes stays "with a mate". He also has a sporting commitment which involves him travelling nationally and internationally for most of the year-2/3 days away at a time so he does have plenty of opportunities! Plus, I have plenty of time on my own to think and worry.
Oh dear, what a rant-I am supposed to be working too!

if you told him how insecure you feel and if he didnt have anything to hide, wouldnt he let you see his mobile phone bill-just to reassure you. Would have thought he "owed" you that for messing about before.

nancysgirl, you have every reason to ask to see his mobile phone and to ask to see the bills and anything else you want to. You are a decent woman trying to make a marriage work with a man who has deceived you and betrayed your relationship. He has to earn your love and respect back. I shallied around for ages trying to make a go of things with my H but he didn't try hard enough. Mine never even conceded he had made a mistake.
If your H wants to make a go of things with you, then he needs to do everything possible to show you he is trustworthy again. Ask to see his phone? If he says no, he has probably got something to hide.

Hi, Bugsy, how are things - have thought about you and hoped it would work out. Hope your children are okay and that you're not feeling too bad.

IMO I think he is hiding something if he won't allow you to check his mobile. My DH has a lock on his mobile too, but like all his passwords etc, they are the same and I know it. The lock is for strangers or in case he loses the phone. If you can't trust your partner with such details something is lacking in the relationship and there is no trust, which is all to essential.

I hope you work things out if only to ease your mind and not have you worrying.

Hi Sykes, have had my head down for a long time but am getting back into swing of things again. We'll have to start another thread somewhere - so as not to hijack this one!

Nancysgirl, hmm, i agree with everyone else. If he was seriously committed to remaking your marriage and earning your trust back, he would be happy to show you his mobile phone bills etc. That is the very LEAST he owes you. I think it is highly suspicious that he goes to great lengths to hide these things from you. Ask him to show you his phone bills - if he refuses you can draw your own conclusions IMO.

It doesn't sound as if he's making it easy for you. I think I agree with you that it could be very humiliating for you to confront this woman, unless perhaps you were able, in a very dignified way, to say to her "is there anything that you would like to tell me about your affair with my husband and the father of my children?", or perhaps, brandishing the reciept "would you like this?" Both ambiguous enough for you not to look foolish if he IS lying to you.
But really, the problem is between you and him, so it is him who should be helping you here. I must say, it struck me as odd that someone making a desparate 'romantic' gesture like sending your DH a ring, would enclose the receipt, and odd that if he was sending the ring straight back, he wouldn't just put it back in the bag it arrived in and send it. Or that it should arrive in a bag rather than some kind of wrapping.

Next time he goes away for a few days, rub some joke shop itching powder into the inside of the underpants he packs to take with him.

Think you have to talk to him as calmly as you can about the receipt, why it is still there, why he hasn't written the letter, and why he still keeps a lock on his mobile, and explain that if he wants to make it work with you, he really has to show it.

I'm a bit confused on the trust thing - surely he has to 'earn' your trust after having lost it so spectacularly? It isn't just a case of 'okay we should start afresh and you will behave yourself and I will trust you' - I don't how you dealt with the aftermath of the affair but I think it would be helpful, if you haven't already been down this route, to get some couple counselling - with Relate perhaps? so that you can talk about what the affair did to you and your relationship and how to best get the relationship back on track. HTH.

BTW, I think the ring and receipt is very odd too and I'd be inclined to post it to her and not tell your dh - but I haven't been in the situation that you are in...

Sis, we went to Relate for a while back in the autumn-I insisted on it if we were going to try to stay together as I knew I couldn't just accept the affair that easily and wanted help to deal with it from my point.However, it was a disaster as DH just saw it as an attack on him and refused to go back after 3 sessions. He is very good at burying his head in the sand and pretending everything is OK. Whenever I mention any of my worries he also just goes mad and harps on about me not having forgiven him, and is it all worth it?! I can't count the number of times he has said he was going to leave-always "the day you said/did so and so well I was going to leave" Never has! I've called his bluff and said go on then and he still didn't go! Did kick him out initially when I discoverd the affair and would do it for good if I found out it was still going on. BUT, I do love him and want v much to get over this, though HE needs to do more to allow me to trust him again, which he isn't.
Not getting much work done today!!

I don't think anyone should return this receipt to the other woman.

If I were you Nancysgirl I would just sling the receipt in the bin. I wouldn't give dh any further reason to contact her, and I certainly wouldn't contact her myself.

So without the reciept, the buyer (whoever they are) can't get a refund? well tough, they shouldn't have bought the ring in the first place. My guess is that dh has forgotten about the receipt (men don't notice something that sits on the mantlepiece for weeks, it just becomes part of the scenery), and if he finally realises it's gone, just say it must have got lost.

I agree you need him to be open about his phone. Have you casually asked him about his password? I'd borrow his phone next time you're out, and ask for his password to use it. If he won't give it you, or changes the password soon after you're right to be suspicious, and then I'd question him about it.

I honestly think he may just have forgotton the receipt tho'.

Nancysgirl, how are you? Sounds from other threads as if he really isn't helping much?

It feels as if we need input from men who have had affairs and then gone back to their partners...