I really need some advice please

[MrsMeg]

I have name-changed.

Not sure whether this is the best place for this as it relates to a teen but here goes.

Backstory - DT2 (aged 17) has been seeing her boyfriend for almost 6 months now. He is a few months younger than her so is still 16 (turns 17 in summer).

He is a really lovely lovely boy. He lost his dad when he was younger in very traumatic circumstances and has been living with his mum, stepdad and younger sister aged 13.

Over the past few months he has been spending more and more time at our house and staying over. This hasn't been a problem at all, they are very close but very sensible and each ensure that they have their 'breaks' from each other etc. It's an absolute pleasure to have him.

It has recently been apparent that things have not been very good for him at home at all. His relationship with his mum has pretty much broken down. She is pretty vile to him and the stepdad seems to encourage this. Lots of shouting, swearing, blaming him for everything that has happened in her life. The very first time I met them (popped round for a coffee) they both spent their entire time telling me what a disappointment he was.

Well it has all come to a head and as from today he has now moved in with us.

I don't really know why I am posting this or what it is I need to ask I suppose but I just need to chat this through. I feel utterly heartbroken on his behalf but right now we need to focus on making him feel welcome and settled here.

I do have some questions:

Legally, where do we all stand? He's 16. What if his parents insist he returns home? What if he doesn't want to? Could myself or my husband get into trouble? Can they make him return home?

He has been skipping a lot of time at college recently and is on a last warning there for poor attendance (he is a very bright boy but I'm not in the least bit surprised that he has been skipping lectures given what he is going through) but college have absolutely no idea of his difficult personal circumstances. I want to contact them, explain to them that from now on we will be making sure that he attends everyday. But I think they need to know what he is going through so that he can get some support. Some understanding and mentoring. Who will attend his parents evenings with him now? Help him with University applications? We are willing to do it (very willing) but do we have this right?

Financially - we now have an extra mouth to feed. It's ok and I think we will manage. But is he entitled to some form of financial support? His college bus fare has to be paid in advance. We will pay this if we have to but it's going to be tight. He works long hours at Macdonalds, so does have some money coming in but I really don't think that a 16 year old should have to take responsibility for himself financially. Plus with A2's coming up and end of year exams, he could do with cutting back his work hours.

He has been left in the past to make his own doctors appointments, travel arrangements etc

I just need someone to point me in the right direction, to help him settle in, to make sure he's ok and that we haven't forgotten anything.

I'm trying to think of all the things we naturally do for our own children as this will help me to try and figure out what we need to do for him.

I feel so sad and angry on his behalf.

Sorry, this is long. Thanks for getting this far!

Is his mother's relationship with his SD newish or long-term? Has having the SD move in presaged a change in her attitude to him, maybe? Or has this been a long term attitude to him. If he's been growing up in such an unhappy home for a long time this may have effects on his view of relationships and I'd try to be aware of that in his relationship with your daughter.

I'd ask him first about speaking to the college. Maybe if he'd like you both to go in, or permission on what you are allowed to say to them. They don't necessarily need lots of details. 'unstable time at home has affected his attendance and this will be changing now he is living with you'.

And look into what support he can get (probably not much under this govt) for either long-term solution to his housing situation or in case they split up. Does he have friends whose houses he can stay at from time to time to maintain a bit of space for him and your daughter?

you say you've been totally guided by your daughter and she is sure this is what she wants. I'm sorry, but how many 17 year olds can think how they might feel a few months down the line? I feel terribly sorry for the boy and think you are wonderful for wanting to help him. But I really wouldn't be happy with a situation like that for my own child. As others have said, she may in a few months feel she's in a situation she no longer feels happy with and can't escape from.

You may have been guided by your DD but she probably hasn't thought of the consequences of splitting up or what they are going to do if they need some space from each other. Living with a boyfriend 24/7 and not having anywhere else to go could get a bit heavy and all-consuming at that age.

Is she doing this because she feels she wants to rescue him? Not usually a good idea, and not a relationship pattern you should encourage.

Also, if all he has seen are dysfunctional relationships he might well play that out with your DD, and he'll be in her home and she won't have anywhere to go.

I would suggest having a chat with SS and also with an organisation like Shelter WRT helping him find a flat or bedsit or something in the fairly near future. It's obviously going to be difficult in the current climate, unfortunately, as he's not going to be seen as a priority for social housing, but having it as something to aim for - him getting a home for himself - might make it easier for you and particularly your DD rather than having a situation where she feels that she has to maintain the relationship because otherwise he'll be homeless.

However you daughter feels now, it is still very good advice to talk her through the possibility of if they split.

Having been in relationships with rather fragile people in my younger days, I can say that they were draining in ways I really wasn't equipped to deal with.

I'm sure this boy is lovely and it's wonderful you want to help him, but make clear to your daughter that she comes first.

I think it is very kind of you to want to help this boy but, as previous posters have mentioned, please take some steps to proactively protect both your daughter and this young man who are both vulnerable in this situation.

I don't think just saying 'don't spend all your time together' is enough to be honest. The statistics say that this relationship probably won't work - nothing against them, just statistically. So I think you should actively plan for WHEN they split up, not if. You don't have to tell them this of course and if they do stay together then the plan isn't needed.

Do you have any other DC living at home? I think if we were seriously committed to bringing another person into our family, then it should be discussed and agreed by all and I would re-organise bedrooms so that your daughter and her boyfriend are NOT sharing a room and make it clear that they will be sleeping in their own beds at night.

I'm sure this would be inconvenient but it would provide them both with the space and privacy that they need.

I think you should find another room in the house for him. Not because of sex or anything but because your dd is now living with her boyfriend and sharing a room with him and she's only 16. The pressure. That is an enormous step in their relationship that has been taken due to circumstances outside of the relationship.

I think she's is a difficult situation now.

Thank you everyone, I really appreciate your advice and it has helped me enormously to be able to have other people to chat this through with. It feels like such a weight of responsibility, the impact on him and the impact on our daughter (who is 17).

I have been discussing things through with my husband again, we managed a two hour dog walk so that we could have some privacy.

I think for the next few days we are going to focus on just making him feel welcome. He needs to feel settled because he has had several weeks of real turmoil at home.

He has spent more time here then there recently and has only tried to return home to try to patch things up with his mum. It was made pretty clear to him on his last attempt however that he was not welcome there.

So for the next few days we will just try to focus on normality I suppose. My daughter has been on edge over the past few months but this has mainly been because she has had to witness what he has been through. When they are together, they seem very calm, very 'together', very mature (I was also a very mature 17 year old and had left home at this point). DD is focussing on her studies, spends a lot of time revising independently, going on training runs etc. He is also revising in the evening (he has spent time revising with DD as they share a subject at college but he also spent time revising with our other daughter (DT1) as they also share a subject at college).

There is a weird kind of calm in the house I suppose. It's hard to explain.

In two weeks from now, the situation could look very different. He could be back with his parents or could have found a place to live independently (the college do have some accommodation arrangements if needed).

But we do need to think around and plan for all eventualities. I have told DD that she and I need to ensure we get time alone to chat throughout the week.

College accommodation sounds like a very good option to me. You are doing an extremely kind thing for this poor lad, but I would be very wary of looking on this a long term solution because of the potential impact on your daughter.

I think while your intentions are good, were I the other mother, I would be gutted.

My son is 19 now and is coming through it, but when he was 16/17 he was very very difficult. He struggled massively through his adolescence, and there were times when I would have happily thrown him out. I'm quite sure he would have told all his friends (and their parents) how horrible I was, and that I gave him nothing and didn't care about him.

The truth was, that he wanted things like a car buying for him, holidays being paid for, for him to go on with his friends. It was a very difficult time, and I'm sure I slated him at times to my friends when he was being particularly awful.

Just be sure you are getting the whole picture, because as bad as things were for us for a few years, I would have been absolutely devastated if someone had taken him in, thinking I didn't care.

He's turning into a really nice adult btw, so I don't think I did it all wrong!

Hi HippyChickster, sorry to hear about your son and glad that things are picking up now.

I have four teens so understand how fragile the relationship can be.

I am being very careful not to take sides here (although it is difficult) and I am conscious of the fact that I may not be getting the entire picture also.

However, the mum has now confirmed to me by text that she wants nothing more to do with him. She said some pretty horrible things about him. We haven't had much contact over the past few months, a few face to face meetings and a few texts and she has always been very very negative. Now this.

There is a step father in the background egging her on so it is a sorry state of affairs all round.

I tried to be sympathetic towards the mum to begin with. She is also in a difficult situation and at one point was made (by her second husband) to choose between him or her son. This happened a few weeks ago and she chose her son (asked her husband to leave) but he is now back and things have all started rolling again.

There was a another big argument a few days ago - he was told by his stepfather that his mum regrets having him, he has ruined her life, the worst thing that could have happened to her etc etc. So he came to us as he has noone else to go to (no family nearby). A few days later, he tried to go home to patch things up. There was no contact from his mum by the way, he was the one trying to reconcile things, not them but he got a very hostile reception when he returned. He locked himself in his room, stayed there overnight and then came back to us. There was no way I was going to turn him away. No way.

Social Services have said he may be entitled to financial assistance through housing. In order for that to happen however, his mum has to state that she refuses to have him home.

Thank you for all of your comments re our daughter. She is our priority in all of this. At the moment she appears to be coping amazingly well. I agree however that this might not be the case a few weeks down the line.

So our plan is to simply let the dust settle, provide him with a place to stay, try and support them both and see what happens.

I am hoping that his mum will calm down in the next day or two. It may just be that they all need a break. If not then we need to be having some different conversations I think re accommodation for him in the medium to short-term. Right now however, he just needs to feel welcomed into the family so that is what we will be concentrating on.

Thanks again, I cant tell you how much I need to have this conversation on here

Can I just say MrsMeg, I think you and your family are amazing I hope everything works out for you all.

Thank you x