Newbie here in need of a handhold / distraction

[GiddyStars]

Hello, I am mostly a lurker on MN. Dipped my toe in once to AIBU and ran away screaming (only joking)!

I know it's probably considered bad etiquette to only give a little bit of the story but I am desperate and need some hand holding quick, if anyone has a spare moment and doesn't mind.

I need some help to stay strong and not contact the biggest twunt ever. I have C-PTSD (should have sought help over 10 years ago, didn't, but have managed to do so in the last year and have been seeing a therapist since then and doing well). This particular twunt is my stumbling block and a symbol of all the negative coping mechanisms I developed in the last decade. He is a narcissist who controlled me and took advantage of his position. He is vile. But when something difficult happens in my life (I have a debilitating physical condition also), health or job problems etc. I want to contact him to either scream at him or tell him out of habit because he was good at being in control and 'fixing' stuff (only if it suited him and not in the end about big things).

Anyway. Am feeling low today, really bad. Have done a fortnight of no contact and will only feel bad if I do. Anyone got any good jokes or something? Any form of distraction welcome! I so want to win and prove that I am stronger than he thinks.

Mumsnet for distraction and The Samaritans for a voice, you are not alone.

I left Dh 18monts ago, have been busily building a little nest for myself , had lovely day out and then came home and have spent two hrs in tears wishing I could contact him- - I can't he has ow. Can you ring samaritans for a chat ? I am useless at jokes I'm afraid - well I'm useless at a lot of things really!!:) You are stronger than he thinks as you reached out here instead of him,thats an amazing change already isn't it? Well done. Do you have work or something plannned for the morning that you can prepare for?

Thanks cjel, I am proud of myself but it's a hard slog. You've obviously done fantastically building your nest, go you! I think we are entitled to a little sob every now and then. Trouble is when I say job I mean looking for a job which is hard with the kids and my disability. It's hard finding something I can do which will support us financially. I think I'm having a one step forward two steps back moment, when I know he is sitting pretty and completely unaffected by any of his actions. I just wish I could let everyone in RL know what a dick he is, but I can't and that makes me so mad and then I want to contact him to tell him he's a dick which would be pointless bcos he doesn't recognise / admit he's a dick and so just leaves me more frustrated. Waste of energy. Should put it to more productive use.

Online dating

Giddy, doesn't that make you mad, I've spent 35 yrs doing jobs in school hrs so He could build his career and I was a sahm mostly. Now I scapping for pennies and 'they' are away every wkend concerts in europe etc. I know its all on credit and likely to fall down any minute but I can't say anything or about the EA, beatings, rape and bullying that used to go on as well!! I have a phrase that I say to myself and that is 'quiet dignity' they will out themselves at some point and we will have got on with our lives with 'quiet dignity' How would you feel if somone said you had that?xx

Ahhh, cjel...quiet dignity is what I strive for may have failed a bit up till now If I was happy and quiet and he didn't know what was going on for me I think it would really give him the hump. Which I would love

I have made so many changes in my life, positive changes. I wish I could just click my fingers and forget about him and all the other abusers. And give my career a kick up the arse. And not feel lonely. Then life would be good! x