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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Grandparents struggling

7 replies

mummymcphee · 28/04/2013 02:15

My parents have helped out with childcare 3 days a week for the last year. I am a lone parent as my ex became abusive when I was six weeks pregnant and went off with someone else. I work 4 days and DD goes to nursery one day a week which has meant I could afford to keep my mortgage and my job.

DD (now 20 months old) had an accident on Friday whilst in the care of grandparents and ended up losing some teeth and needing a chest xray. My mum had gone to a business course and is often out at business meetings leaving my dad with DD. I have spoken to them before about this as my dad is not keen on changing nappies. I pay all the household bills apart from food and grandparents live with me.

I accepted DD's accident was just that an accident...grandparent in charge had nipped to the loo and DD stood up in pushchair in hall and overbalanced it. I was at work and didn't hear about the accident until 3 hours after it happened when they decided to phone me. My parents confronted me yesterday and informed me that

  1. I treat them like servants
  2. I am lazy
  3. I am unable to cope with life
  4. I am not a good mother and I am not hands on with my daughter
  5. I need to take more responsibility for my daughter
  6. My finances are a mess and this will directly impact on their security
  7. They have rented out their dream home to come and live with me and be treated this way!

They have not said anything before as they felt I was too fragile!! What on earth do I do to make this better ? :-(

OP posts:
ClaudiaSchiffer · 28/04/2013 02:41

Oh crikey mummymcphee it sounds like you all need a break from each other. I think in particular no's 4 & 5 are telling you very clearly that they want to draw a line under this arrangement and get back to their own lives.

Is there any way you could afford to have your dd in nursery for 4 days and live on your own with her? Even if it meant living in a smaller house?

It seems that your parents have dropped everything to help you out of a shit situation and they're fed up with it.

Sorry about the accident and I hope your daughter is alright but perhaps it's time to stand on your own feet now and let your parents go home.

RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief · 28/04/2013 02:48

I think first, reflect in what they have said. Is there any truth in any of it? Then talk to them calmly about specific things they are unhappy about. Did they have to move to a different area to live with you? If not, maybe it would be better if they moved back to their own home. It sounds like the childcare arrangement is slightly grudging on their part- your mother seems to still be working herself and your father not really prepared to do what is necessary in terms of caring for a toddler. maybe therefore this is not a realistic long term solution. Is there any way your daughter could go to nursery for one more day?

Original poster
mummymcphee · 28/04/2013 02:49

Thanks Claudia

That was helpful! They have a holiday coming up and I think I will ask them to think about moving once they get back. Nursery 4 days would cost £600 pcm but I could potentially get 70% back with tax credits.

The main thing is DD is ok even if we are going to have to wait 6 years for more front teeth :-)

OP posts:
Original poster
mummymcphee · 28/04/2013 02:54

Thanks Rich my mum decided to set up her own business and combine that with looking after DD. I was not really involved in the decision. They have moved 800 miles and rented out their cottage (mum retired) but obviously the accident has brought everything to a head for them.

OP posts:
Original poster
mummymcphee · 28/04/2013 02:56

I was not aware (until now) that they felt like unpaid servants :-(

OP posts:
TheFallenNinja · 28/04/2013 03:05

In this world my biggest fan and most unfiltered critic is my dad so Ive seen similar lists Hmm.

Now they've had their explosion perhaps a period of reflection with them may help. They have supported you up to now, no reason why some support can't continue, obviously they feel dreadful about the incident but probably in the cold light of day wouldn't want to throw the baby out with the bath water.

ClaudiaSchiffer · 28/04/2013 04:19

They must be shocked about the accident Mummy, and shock often makes us defensive and say cruel things. Even if there is some truth in what they say, it must be very hurtful to hear after you've been through separating from your abusive ex partner and going though pregnancy etc alone.

Try to give each other some space without judging and rowing. Then calmly talk through your options - maybe they can stay with you for a while but with reduced childcare responsibility?

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