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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH accused me of assault

45 replies

LostAndBroken · 27/04/2013 22:17

I was wondering if someone could help.

Due to lack of sleep (baby and toddler not sleeping well) and stress of DH's job we have been bickering a lot recently.

This morning we got into an argument: he insulted me, when I asked him to repeat what he said he informed me whilst trying to get the baby out of the highchair. I tapped him on the shoulder demanding he listen to me. He ignored me, when I turned my back to walk away, he attacked me by throwing me to the floor, holding my wrists and shouting that this was self-defence (from what I'm not sure). I was wrestling back with him.

He then called the police and alleged that I assaulted him. They arrived and said that they should arrest me but wouldn't as I was a breast-feeding mother. They said they would interview me at a later date.

DH has since retracted this statement and signed an official statement saying I didn't do anything wrong and he was emotional and that he over-reacted.

However, the police still want to interview me and have offered me legal representation. They have said that there are no charges against me.

Apart from being gobsmacked at 'D'H's behaviour a d feeling emotional (let down, betrayed, broken hearted etc.). I'm worried about what this all means with regards to me being formally interviewed.

I've never had so much as a parking ticket so I'm devastated at the thought of this interview and what it means with regard to the future (what if I forgive DH and he does this again or I get in an argument over a parking space or something trivial and the police see "oh yes, Mrs LAF was accused by her DH of assault but it didn't go any further".

DH is incredibly remorseful and admitted he did this in anger and wishes he could put a stop to the process but can't.

Can anyone offer me any advice?

Thank you. I'm sorry it's such a long post.

OP posts:

QuintessentialOHara · 27/04/2013 22:21

I think you need to tell the police the truth, that you tapped your dh on the shoulder to get his attention, and he in turn proceeded to:

Assault you
Report you to the police with a false accusation that you attacked him

What a shit he is! How are you now?

BettySuarez · 27/04/2013 22:24

I think the police involvement is a bit of a red herring here. Your husband assaulted YOU.

Not only that but he's made it almost impossible for you to register a complaint against him by trying to get there first.

Give your statement to the police, tell them everything. Then have a serious think as to whether you feel safe living with this man

50shadesofbrown · 27/04/2013 22:27

What QuintessentialOHara said.

Has he got something going on that's stressing him out? As this seems like a massive overreaction (by him) & also doesn't seem to fit with his behaviour afterwards. Weird personality change, I'd definitely ask the police for help when they speak to you, I bet it's not the first time they have heard a situation like this.

BoulevardOfBrokenSleep · 27/04/2013 22:42

Jeez. That's all pretty horrible.

Has he got physical before? Stopped you leaving the room during an argument maybe? Punched the wall, or smashed stuff?

Original poster

LostAndBroken · 27/04/2013 22:50

When we first met (years ago) he did used to stop me from leaving rooms before if we had an argument. I told him that this was unacceptable and he stopped doing it. He hasn't been physical with me before. We have two kids. The baby doesn't sleep well at all. He has a very stressful job and it's become more stressful recently with redundancies.

I feel very sick and very sad. But my kids are wonderful and are such a joy.
I need to go to sleep before the little one wakes.

Thank you for you replied and support

OP posts:

BlackeyedSusan · 27/04/2013 22:57

make an exit plan and leave. it only gets worse. tell the ploice everything. get any bruises photographed.

LadyMaryQuiteContrary · 27/04/2013 23:04

www.womensaid.org.uk He's using 'stress' as an excuse. When things are better at work there will be another one, then another one. You need help. Please call womens aid. Do this for you and for your children xx

mrsminiverscharlady · 28/04/2013 09:07

Can I suggest that you move this to the Relationships board? If the police want to interview you then you definitely need to get a solicitor to advise you in real life, but you also need to think about where your relationship goes from here.

Wossname · 28/04/2013 09:15

Jesus Christ, that is awful. He assaulted you ( in front of your children?) then called the police on you and ensured you couldn't do anything about the assault.

That's actually one of the worst things I've read on here, I am so sorry he did that to you. He has manipulated you so successfully that you are on here posting about your fears of the police interviewing you, rather than your husband abusing you. Please throw him out.

WitchOfEndor · 28/04/2013 09:18

I think they probably have a good idea about what happened and they want to speak to you for your own protection. If I were you I would tell them exactly what happened and get it on record. I don't want to scare you but your DHs reaction is often a stepping stone to an escalation of violence (which is then justified by him because you tapped him on the shoulder so he feels that its ok to hit you or restrain you whenever he feels like it). For the safety of you and your child please speak to the Police and Women's Aid.

If he never harms you again then whatever you tell them will not be taken any further. But if he does then you have already given yourself the chance to protect yourself and your child. Get this on record.

TigerSwallowTail · 28/04/2013 09:22

Go to the police interview but ask to speak to the domestic abuse unit in the police station. Tell them everything, this is serious and if he does it again he could either really hurt you or get you a criminal record. The police may suspect something iffy has happened and that's why they're so keen to speak to you despite your husband changing his story.

Somethingtothinkabout · 28/04/2013 09:43

I also think it sounds like they want to speak to you because they are concerned.

Speak to them and tell them the complete truth. Your H will hopefully never do anything like this again, but just in case, get the true story on record. Also, he may call the police on you again, so make sure you have no record what actually happened so they don't think you've got a history of this.

Then you need to give some serious thought to whether you want to spend your life with someone like that, and have your kids around him.

Somethingtothinkabout · 28/04/2013 09:44

Concerned about you, not him.

Original poster

LostAndBroken · 28/04/2013 10:16

How do I get this moved to Relationships?

I'm quite sure the marriage is over. But as Somethingtothinkabout says, I'm worried that he'll do this again in the future (regardless of whether we are together or not) and then the Police will think I have a history of this. They already said that they can't erase what's been said.

OP posts:

Wossname · 28/04/2013 10:20

Hi, just report your own post and ask for it to be moved there.

You definitely need to speak to police frankly about what happened before you start doubting yourself.

CajaDeLaMemoria · 28/04/2013 10:27

Go to the station. As you've said, it will be recorded as a charge that was then dropped. That's helpful in cases where somebody is abused, and repeatedly drops charges.

You need to tell them everything in your statement, and show them any bruises/scratches if you have them.

Then ask for advice from the domestic violence dept, and if you've already spoken to women's aid, tell them that and what your leaving plan is, and tell them you are worried about his reaction.

Good luck.

wonderingagain · 28/04/2013 10:32

Go to the police now so that they can get evidence of any bruises you might have and interview you properly.

Don't hang about on Mumsnet, go down there right now. Take dd with you preferably - if you can't, leave her. They will look after you. Try to get them to insist that DP moves out even if it's only temporary.

good luck. As I said, don't hang about. Go NOW.

MNHQ

CatherineHMumsnet · 28/04/2013 10:32

Hello - just popping into say that we'll be moving this thread into relationships in a moment.

wonderingagain · 28/04/2013 10:34

Call a friend or a relative when you get there.

mrsminiverscharlady · 28/04/2013 10:40

Personally I wouldn't speak to the police without a solicitor present. They may well be sympathetic and have a good idea of what has really happened, but if they want to interview you under caution then you really need professional representation imo. Your husband has shown himself to be a devious bastard; don't give him any further opportunities to get the story twisted to his advantage.

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 28/04/2013 10:53

Definitely talk to someone at Women's Aid - they'll have support workers who can give you information about what course of action might be best, and they'll have seen this before.
I'm so sorry he did this to you.
I think he reported it to the police because he thought you might have wanted to go to the police about what he did to you, and he hoped that him getting there first would maybe undermine your story.
It makes it seem as though he's being very calculated about it.

wonderingagain · 28/04/2013 10:54

OP you can get a solicitor when you get to the station. But you should go now before he convinces you that it was all a mistake and you change your mind. DP has already retracted his statement about you assaulting him, he will be completely unreliable in court because of this. You on the other hand will have marks on your body that need to be recorded. Don't stall this because of a solicitor.

wonderingagain · 28/04/2013 10:59

Womens aid can be very slow to get back to you - please OP, don't stall this. I think as Super says he only reported you to 'put you in your place'. He knew this was the only thing he could do to stop you reporting him. Please don't let his plan work.

Likelihood is they will put an injunction on him to stay away for a period of time while he sorts himself out. I he is out of the house you might be able to see things more clearly and know what to do.

Saddayinspring2 · 28/04/2013 11:11

Sounds to me like he lost his temper and didn't like that you were standing up to him and attacked you under the guise of self defence and got in there first before you to call the police.. So he could get his story in first .

Reminds me of a childhood bully, turning the tables so as not to get into trouble with mum.

Does he have a history of violence in the past even with his siblings?

I agree he was teaching you a lesson.. The lesson is that he is not going to be messed with or you will come off worse. He then calmed down and took it back but he has showed his true colours.

delilahlilah · 28/04/2013 11:18

He called the police because he wanted to hide his own guilt. He knew that you could have called the police because he DID assault you.
Tell the police the truth, and ask them to be there when you ask your 'D'H to leave. You cannot and should not live with someone you are afraid of. Get advice from Women's Aid.
He is using bullying tactics. Tired and emotional is not an excuse for what he did.

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