it's the lying thats the problem.

[QueenofWhispers]

So we've been together 10 years. Married almost 7. We have a DS with a slight disability and are now expecting baby no.2.

DH has aspergers and our relationship can often be difficult. I have lived in his home country since we were married (here in the UK) because to me moving abroad to an English speaking country wasn't too intimidating. Since I've moved here my younger sisters have moved to the UK to be closer and my parents make the effort to visit more often. I do go back, but not always once a yearwhen I go back it's mostly due to my DH's agenda (holidayconferences and business trips). When we were agreed to my moving to London he promised me that any point I became homesick I could go back--whenever I wanted. This never happens. I'm desperate to just visit my country again.

The lack of holiday to my home country isn't really the problem though. Two years ago DH made a very risky move with regards to work; he left a very safe and well paying job to become a partner in an established but risky company. I agreed to it because it was his dream job and he had worked quite well in the years prior to establish himself and his credibility.

At this point in our lives, we knew there was something not 'typical' of our ds's development and decided that the back up plan in the case of DH's new job not working out would be to get a really good life insurance policy (I have a problem with surprises and I freak out when I don't have proper financial planning in place please note I have never had nor will have any intention on killing him; just too messy; things like that always get found out and I love the butt-face).

Within a week of joining new job he decided it wasn't for him and left. We were okay financially for a bit but our savings had a limit on them and I really worried about him finding another job before some random tragedy hitso the life insurance policy made me feel a bit betterknowing if my husband got hit by a bus our DS whose needs were becoming more and more obvious would be well looked after.

He eventually found a job within the right field within 6 months so my worrying came to an end quickly (also it was just like his dream job--but right for him this time).

So today we start talking about the budget and I find out he never took out the life insurance policy he said he took outand is now saying that leading me to believe he had wasn't a liebut a 'misunderstanding'.

Thank god my sisters are here because they remember the entire ruse of the doctor doing his check up in our house and DH signing all the papers. However my sisters don't see a reason for me to be upset.

DH has decided that I am wrong and has decided to go take a nap.

Tell me I'm not wrong for being upset. I'm sure I can't be--I'm livid. It's been a two year long lie. I'm furious and sad and I just feel marginalized again and again over what is important to me and what he wants to call a 'misunderstanding'.

This really does matter and I can see why you're upset. Some years ago, a family friend died in a tragic accident. His wife thought he had life insurance but he didn't. In fact, he couldn't get cover due to a serious medical condition that he had hidden from his wife. She was left with a small baby, no insurance payout and a whole load of lies that her dead husband had told her. She made it work but it was extremely difficult and she struggled with depression for years. Could it be that your husband has also been denied cover? Maybe his medical check-up uncovered something? It seems to me like there may be more to this.

AF

I feel the same way--I do feel like when I am upset about something he just doesn't seem to care about letting me explain the problem and he often tries to ignore the situation even if he knows he's at fault.

He did say he will up his cover today; but then this morning we had another argument about what nursing chair we will be getting for the new baby. We budget quite in advance and this pregnancy was not planned.

maybe he's just not in love with me anymore?

It sounds like he gets something out of keeping you on the back foot.

AF I'm not what you mean by that.

However if you mean that he is picking fights to get away with upping his coverage or is just picking a fight to keep me upset with him; then I guess that does seem like this is what he is doing. I wonder what his motive is though.

I would only do this if I wasn't in love with someone and wanted to be passive aggressive with them so they would walk away---good thing I'm not passive aggressive.

I am starting to feel like maybe he's not interested in my anymore; but everything else in our life together has been amazing, the sex has been great, our communication is generally good (when he isn't lying to me about life insurance). The solicitor has said I'm pretty safe in all aspects. There has been no undue spending--which is good.

His attitude and regards to my current feelings about lying to me and now the stupid breast feeding chair is another story.

however he has sent this email:

"Dear Queen,
I apologize for my tone in regards to the chair. We will budget for this chair. I would like to spend the next 3-6 months without any social obligations. I need time to adjust to the new changes and make sure to deal with the pressures of our current budget. I would like to re-evaluate our roles in the house and our responsibilities. I apologize if I had made you feel bullied or hurt you in any way. Please have a think of what you would like to be responsible for. I will make sure to have a list of what I would like to handle, and I would like to discuss this over dinner tonight."

..he has not even mentioned loving me or signed with an 'x'. Am I being childish to think perhaps this is the end?

(just to clarifyI'm certain he wants to be excluded from social events on his ownnot to keep me from hanging out with my friends.)

No, it's not the end, it does sound very formal though! Like its a performance appraisal coming up.

Is he normally like this? And why the ostracising himself for 3 months? Do your sisters have dinner with you too, as they live with you?

Can you do spreadsheet cash flow showing all money coming in, bills going out, into the next year, which you can check daily online and see where money is going, put in flights in say August ( check the price on line) and see where cuts can be made on entertaining?

Then you can plan your spending and its all open and you can both see.

Does he know you saw a solicitor?

Good luck for tonight, have you done your list?

queen I'm no aspergers expert but it sounds to me like he's feeling overwhelmed, possibly by the unplanned pregnancy and what that means for your budget, and is trying to organise things in his head so he feels like he's in control. I imagine the matter of fact communication is part of that process for him.

Remember that he expresses himself differently from other people and in particular is not thinking about the affect of his words on how you feel ( unless he's effectively worked out how to do that).

He's just a super formal kind of guy. I think it has to do with his Aspergers+how he was raised.

I do see where he may feel overwhelmed and how he does need to plan things--we all have to plan things and get our heads around everything all the time.

We eat as a family most evenings, right now since my sisters are in uni they are studying for exams and missing dinner most nights. DH doesn't see hanging out with them as socializing--he considers them a part of his family and when they aren't here he misses them. (Who else would take the dog and our DS for walks while we spend time together?).

I can do the excel spreadsheet--we have something similar already called the 'simple' app. It tracks all our purchases and our dwindling monetary amounts in real time...this is how I manage to never overspend. (There are times when there is not more than 75p in my account at times but it happens.

Hope your talk goes well. I know nothing helpful for you about aspergers, but I can only say people deal with things differently, and maybe he is being formal so he doesn't come across as too casual and uncaring.

Good luck though.