I have no idea how to write this post as there are so many things going on. Sorry, this has turned out really long but please read and help if you can.
My mum is quite difficult and has been for as long as I can remember. She always played favourites with me and my sister, and since my dd was born ten years ago things have been very difficult between us. She has no interest in me or my ds nowadays and is very noticeably (to other people as well as to me) over-fixated on my dd.
She is a very volatile and irritable person and I do find it difficult to spend a lot of time with her. She complains that I am cold and brusque with her, but the only way I've found to deal with her is to withdraw slightly and put up my barriers and as far as I'm able to call her out when she starts on stuff I don't like her doing. She is very critical of me as a person and as a parent and is also very critical of my children and is downright nasty in how she speaks to them, name calling and all sorts.
A couple of years ago I moved back to my hometown where my mum lives when I split with my ex. Ex was physically and emotionally abusive to me and the children, we had police involvement and all sorts, horrible time. My mum offered me a lot of practical support with childcare, but no emotional support or understanding at all. I can't recall her once asking how I was, if I was coping or anything. When I got home from work she would leave almost without speaking to me. I can remember trying to talk to her about making a decision on whether to go ahead with statements to the police for them to look at arresting my ex, as I was scared of repercussions off him, and she just said, "Well, why are you talking to me about it? What do you expect me to do?", another time when we had just moved and I was pretty upset, missing my old house and work and friends and she just turned on me and said, "Well, just move back then, we don't need you here". She also witnessed my ex physically assaulting me and did nothing and never spoke about it again. Lots of instances like that.
Like I said, she has been very helpful with looking after the children for me after school and at first this seemed to work well, but after a while there were arguments and them falling out. My mum would always blame the children, and the children my mum. There was a bad incident on mother's day when we went out for a meal and in front of me she pushed my daughter and snatched a glass out of my son's mouth. I went to talk to her about this and she just yelled at me for patronising her (I was really trying to stay calm and was probably talking quite slowly and calmly so as not to lose my temper) and walked out without apologising or anything.
After the Easter holidays she came to look after the children again but things got bad really quickly. She hit my dd which she admits but says it was in self-defence and dd had attacked her. My ds says she has also hurt him. She put the children on a bus then wouldn't get on herself so they were alone on a bus (which they have never been before) and had to cross a main road by themselves to get home. She also accuses my dc of attacking her with a drill or a drill bit, shouting at her in the street that she has hit them in front of other people.
The problem is, my children did have some issues with violence after we left their father, because of their history of abuse, and they had counselling for this. My mum knows about this and is saying that I have to believe her and not the children as the children have hit me before now so I know that this can happen. But this hasn't happened for a long time, over a year now, so I would be very surprised if they had done this unless extremely provoked and she'd done something first, either verbally or physically.
She wrote me a letter late last week saying awful things about the children and me, really nasty stuff. She says the children are mentally ill and dangerous and that she thinks they made up the stuff about my ex hurting them like they have made up stuff about her. She has actually said this stuff to them too, how damaging is that.
Since then she has come round to see me and behaved reasonably, but the next day she sent another letter saying the same sort of thing about the children, and banging on about how had they been punished, I had to state categorically that I believed her and not them, all sorts of stupid stuff.
Dd told me that my mum has told the GP that I neglect the children and also that my mum is going to call SS on me. My mum has told me direct that the children are guilty of elder abuse and she might call the police on them.
I have found other childcare for them so there is no need for them to be left with her any more. I think my mum might be mentally ill or havign some kind of breakdown. She has fallen out with all three of her sisters, her partner, me, my children, everyone apart from my sister who lives away. It is incredibly difficult to be with her and I feel like I am walking on eggshells all the time. I am not perfect in my behaviour with her, but I never do anything like this and try very hard to keep my temper with her.
Could anyone give me advice please? I don't want to cut her off as I am worried about her (as well as finding her very difficult) and she doesn't really have a lot of other people to care about her, but I need to protect myself and my children as well. I'm finding this an incredibly distressing and difficult situation. Please help.