Abusive Ex Teacher- don't think I will ever get over it :(

[TeacherTantrum]

Hi all

Name changed for this as am regular poster and very embarrassed about this to be honest.

Never told this story on MN barely told it in real life to be honest as its pretty grim although DH, best friend and parents know.

When I was 16 through til 22 I had a really weird relationship with my music teacher. I was wholly in love with him and it was a passionate, terrible, abusive relationship. He was an amazing man- talented, characsmatic and an alcoholic. He was married to another teacher at my school.

The relationship was very sexual- he was 15 years older than me and my first. He was into some weird stuff including transvestism none of which bothered me especially and I was a consenting party to the sex, it's only now I realise how bad it was. I do have sexual flashbacks to things he did in nightmares and they make me very sad. I have a normal sex life with DH but quite scared of the idea of a dominating partner as he was and I have horrible memories of being strangled and stuff. I also get horrible flashbacks when there's anything on tv or the news about sexual relationships between pupils and teachers. That news item with Megan Stammers and Jeremy Forrest last year made me Ill and I was crying at the news and cringing when anyone discussed it.

He and his wife were on/off and I think pretty tempestuous themselves. I think he used to hit her and he certainly hit me :( he was just a selfish bullying coward really but I was hopelessly in love/obsessed and would have done anything for him. He was always leaving her and then they'd reconcile but it would be "because of the house" or something. Obviously now I'd be nowhere near a married man but at the time I thought we were star crossed lovers and accepted his bullshit. Luckily they had no DC (and still don't).

When I was 22 he fucked up massively and I found out he had another girl (younger than me) on the go as well as me and the wife. I also discovered I was pregnant after a contraceptive failure whilst we had been on holiday. It all imploded and he quit his job and had a bit of a breakdown and he went a bit bonkers I think. His wife found out everything and left but then came back to him. They moved away. I was a mess.... Had a nervous breakdown and an abortion and just went off the rails big style for about 5 years.

Fast forward six years and I meet him on the station one morning like nothing ever happened. He casually enquires as to wether I had the baby (er or to be more specific whether he had a six year old!) and is fairly blasé. Tells me he's back teaching and that I look well. By this point in my life I had become a teacher too and was seemingly doing well- I'd stopped drinking, had a nice normal boyfriend etc but knowing he was back sent me loopy and I became very depressed. Had some therapy and felt a lot better. Accepted a lot of things and really felt I'd moved on.

It's now a further five years later- so 11 years on and I am 33. In a very happy marriage to a really lovely man- I couldn't love him more and we are currently trying for a baby. Then two things have happened in a week to shake me really badly: first I got a new head teacher and she has come from the school he works in. Really tenuous connection but she was talking in a meeting about getting the two schools together to share good practice and my blood ran cold. Then tonight I saw him standing on the corner outside my house. Never seen him there before- we are close to a tube station so no reason to think he was waiting for any other reason than a lift- but I nearly threw up when I saw him. I have hardly seen him in all these years and we haven't spoken since that morning on the station 5 years ago.

I can't work out why he shakes me up so much: I'm physically frightened of him, he makes me shake. I hate that he still teaches and that he's still married to that poor woman (I know about that and no DCs from just general grapevine) but those things don't make me shaken or sad or depressed- but something about seeing him does.

Best friend has suggested I need answers from him as he just did a moonlight flit leaving me alone and vulnerable but I don't want to ever speak to him again- so I don't think that's a plan. Besides he probably wouldn't talk to me or have any answers. I have spoken to DH but he doesn't really get it he just tries to be supportive.

I'm quite self aware: I've had therapy, read self help books etc but just don't know what else to do about this. Surely I can't be doomed to always be scared of this man and scared of the memories he evokes?

Thanks if you've got this far. Any advice or support is appreciated... I know you're all very wise here on Mumsnet.

Thanks so much for sharing your experience. Mad as it sounds I'm pleased to hear from someone who knows what I'm going on about. The book looks good- just ordered it on Amazon used and new.

The thing that makes me so mad is that he isn't from here and neither is his wife. They both moved schools after everything that happened so they had no reason to stay- I know it's selfish but they could have left and gone somewhere else and I wish they had. I think my life would be 100% easier if I didn't have to live in fear of him being in the queue at Tesco or next to me at the station in the morning.

I agree that I think I have PTSD. I have totally diagnosed myself here but I think I have it because I have very violent flashbacks/dreams and because if I see him or am in a position where I think I might or he's mentioned out of context, I get a racing heart, and my vision goes all swimmy and I feel sick that sounds like an exaggeration but it isn't- he makes me ill. I'm very scared to bring this up with the doctor though... How do I approach it?

I have tried writing about my feelings and have started a blog just relaying some memories. I guess I'd like it one day to be like a memoir but its too scrappy for that at the moment.... It's just thoughts. But it helps- writing about it is painful but its cathartic. If anyone that's been through similar wants a read or a chat feel free to PM me.

I think the very worst thing about the relationship and the years that have followed is that part of me does miss him. He was a terrible man in every sense of the word and don't get me wrong I have a great relationship with my lovely DH and absolutely wouldn't change it- if it was a choice tomorrow between the teacher and DH I wouldn't even have to think about it- but it's like I'm mourning what could have been. I loved that man from when I was 12 years old- that was 10 of my most formative years and I fantasised about being his wife and having his babies every day of those 10 years. I loved him so purely and so so so much- I have this voice that still says "it could have been beautiful" even though I know logically that he was a bullying, lying, abusive fuckwit.

I suppose it goes back to my original point- that it just feels sometimes like I will never recover from what he did to me. I know I will and I know I've come far but he makes me feel 14 and powerless and pathetic and when it's bad in my head its like I'm a kid all over again.

He seduced you. I would say that preying on you when you were so young is akin to spiritual abuse, in that he wangled his way into your heart and mind. I am not kidding when I say it took years of therapy to get the shit out of my head and heart - until well into my 30s I was dreaming about him every night. I'm ashamed to admit that - but shouldn't be!

I say 'seduced' in that he was seductive and this is what is still stuck in your heart/spirit. It doesn't take a genius to entirely eclipse a young girl's heart and mind - there is no great skill involved. You were young and impressionable and he put his imprint on your spirit (I'm struggling to put this into words but I hope you know what I mean; and also hope that the imagery I'm using isn't too powerful).

I made the huge mistake of googling him about a year ago hoping he'd died a horrible death and it sent my world upside down again (no he isn't dead, he's very successful in the music world! . No fucking justice!). I go cold at the thought that he is still teaching but I have no evidence because I chucked it all out, in one of my desperate attempts to get him out of my heart/mind/spirit. It took therapy to get him out to the point where I wasn't plagued incessantly with thoughts of him. [WARNING the following could be triggering] At one point the pain was so bad that I wanted to cut him out of my stomach - literally.

btw I found a copy of the book I recommended - Sex in the Forbidden Zone - and I didn't find it easy reading this time tbh. It appears to look at why these shits do this stuff - and I'm afraid I am not in a position to have any compassion or understanding. I hope I haven't recommended a turkey - if so. It may be a help at some stage - for both of us, and those like us. I know I have some way to go because the anger I feel is murderous with a bit of torture before the deed if I scratch the surface. I do think the anger is appropriate for now, though, and part of my healing.