I think I hate my husband

[NicolaSeven]

Over the past four years DH and I have had two children, moved continent twice, lost all of our savings, I had depression...lots of upheaval.

Trying to make this concise. We hadn't had sex for almost two years. He has never had that much interest in sex and I know that he was worried that he might be impotent. But in discussing this, he said that it was normal to not be attracted to someone you have been with for so long. I think this is a shitty thing to say - it broke my heart.

Having kids made me feel that things became unequal quickly. I resent that. He has been away (voluntarily, not work-related) for probably 70% of the weekends this year, so I look after the kids all week and then all weekend too.

When I raise this, he makes me feel like I'm nagging. I feel that his attitude to work in the house is like a teenager - he does the bare minimum because I nag. Yesterday I worked all day, made a 'naice' dinner (i.e. proper cooking, not omelette) cleared up as much as I could as I went and left the rest in the sink.

I then worked until midnight. This morning, I discovered that he'd put the dishwasher on half full and left all of the washing up, so not only do I have to get DS to nursery, look after the baby, do all the catching up that I have to do on my day 'off' but now I have to wash fucking up, too.

Sorry. Not concise. Like I say, lots of resentment. And in trying to raise it with him, he immediately becomes closed. I feel like there are shreds of love left and I don't want them to go, because I really don't want to inflict a separation on the kids as well as everything else, but I can't raise anything with him without him shutting down. And its getting to the point where the shreds aren't worth hanging onto anymore.

Why should I stay with a man who doesn't find me attractive, or show me affection and leaves me to do everything.

Not sure what I'm asking. WWYD, I suppose?

I don't know if your marriage is salvageable or not, but I'd recommend leaving or kicking him. If you've tried talking to him reasonably about this and he refuses to engage, nothing short of a massive shock to his system is going to make him take notice. That doesn't mean you're going to file for divorce, but he needs a dramatic wakeup call, and if he 'gets' it at this point it may actually save your marriage. If he doesn't and still refuses to see what the fuss is about, quite frankly you're better off without him.

If you want some help to articulate concisely what you feel about housework and being taken for granted, try reading this book before you talk.

Sorry you're feeling so low about it all.

kicking him out not kicking him ( I don't advocate violence, though I'm sure you feel like kicking him from time to time... )

Wow. I sound like Mrs Angry. This is not good, is it?

Well it's not a good thing for you or your marriage, no, but getting angry when you are taken for granted so badly is actually a very healthy reaction. I'd be more worried if you making excuses for him, accepting it as your lot and being all zen like about it.

Thanks Dahlen. I did actually say that I thought he should think about going to stay with his parents for a bit. (Not in a stagy way - I just felt so flat, that I thought it might be for the best). He said it was so ridiculous he wasn't even going to talk about it - I think it scared him a bit. But not enough to do the washing up, apparently.

NicolaSeven, you sound a little like me in my situation. I am finally doing something about it...

It has taken my over 5 years of putting up with vile EA from my H, and only at the end of last year did my eyes open and something snap - I am not prepared to live in a one sided loveless marriage for the rest of my life, that combined with the kind of EA abuse I've tolerated, has finally made me do something about it.

Be happy sweetheart, life is short and you deserve the very best. xx

His reaction to that isn't good, I'm afraid. Even if he felt your reaction was ridiculous (which it isn't), to dismiss your feelings so contemptuously is awful.

Women have been socialised to think that falling out over housework and an unbalanced domestic set up is petty. But it isn't. It really isn't. It's about respect. And yet most women will happily continue doing more than their fair share if they feel loved and cherished in return. You're not even getting that.

You deserve much more from a marriage. At the moment, he has a live-in nanny/cook/cleaner/laundry service that he's not paying a penny for nor paying 'in kind'. What do you have, other than a list of chores as long as your arm?

I know most people will advise you to kick him out and leave him but there are other options. You have tried to talk to him but I'm guessing that's not easy when the children are around and you are both quite emotional. I should imagine that you are quite accusatory and he is quite defensive and so talking hasn't progressed.

None of this is your fault and I agree completely that for someone to say they are not attracted to you must be a huge kick in the teeth. I wonder how he would feel if you said that to him? Perhaps he was looking for a reaction?

I think you need to choose a moment when you are feeling quite calm, when the kids are not around and tell him how unhappy you are. Ask him if he is happy in this marriage because I'm guessing he's not. You can't both go on in an unhappy marriage so you need to discuss, calmly and rationally where you go from here.

You say there are shreds of love left but you need to find out from him how he feels about it. If you both decide that there is something there worth saving then book an appointment with Relate.

If he refuses however and even refuses to discuss your marriage rationally, then he leaves you with no choice.

You can go to Relate on your own and make it clear to him that this is what you are doing. You don't have to do that to try and save your marriage but Relate can help counsel you over your marriage break-up and provide a listening ear to what will be a very difficult time.

He may realise then that you are serious and he might ask to come with you. Or he might start making plans of his own. Either way the situation will change and that is what really needs to happen isn't it? It's not fair on the children if they hardly ever see their dad, if he doesn't engage with them and they have an unhappy mother. Sometimes when a marriage breaks down the children actually get to see more of their father and spend quality time with him than they did when their parents were both together.

These are just suggestions. You could of course just kick him out but I get the feeling you don't really want to do that. Yet you can't continue like this either as you might as well be a single parent.

It all sounds very unhappy and you have my every sympathy. I can't imagine being treated in this way and I don't think you deserve any of this. If you get the ball rolling then at least you remain in control of the situation which means that he has to abide by the choices you make, not least because he sounds incapable of making any of his own.