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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How do you move on with partner after an act of infedilty?

95 replies

eatssleepsfeeds · 24/04/2013 17:15

Which is how I see it.

Some of you may remember me as the silly fool who, after her DH went and paid for 2 private, fully naked lapdances while out one Fri night with another colleague, took the decision to shag her arse of a husband to the death. Probably in a bid to show him that I could do that plus, after reading up about it, was certainly undergoing hysterical bonding.

Just for detail, Iater found out that these private dances lasted for well over one hour and a half and were in the privacy of a booth.

It cost him near on £500 for the 'pleasure'.

I cannot discuss that element any more as it just sickens me so much it is destroying my health. Please don't ask me for further details.

Right now, I can't bear to look at him like that. We are not making love.

He is nothing but apologetic. Says all the right things. I know he means them.

But I cannot look at him in the same way anymore. I feel like he's betrayed me so very badly and, rightly or wrongly, I feel as bad as if it was a short affair.

I feel horribly sad now. Just sad. I have little hatred left to throw at him.

My life feels like it left my stomach some time ago.

I don't really want feedback about how I should LTB. I want to somehow get back to where we were.

But I'm finding it awfully difficult.

This only happened 3 weeks ago.

Can time heal?

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 24/04/2013 17:19

No, I don't think so, not in your situation

I will keep my reply that brief as you say you don't want any of the gory details referred to again

Lulabellarama · 24/04/2013 17:22

If anything is going to help, it's time. But I reckon you know already that you just don't trust him anymore, and it probably won't come back.

CajaDeLaMemoria · 24/04/2013 17:24

No. Time heals some things, but it'll never heal this. He'll always have chosen to do it, and you'll always remember it, and it's changed things.

You sound utterly miserable. You don't deserve that. How is it fair that he makes the colossal error, and you suffer for it?

dontyouwantmebaby · 24/04/2013 17:25

time is a healer for some things, yes.

but for THIS, I seriously doubt it.

Original poster

eatssleepsfeeds · 24/04/2013 17:27

Well that's it then.

I'm fucked.

OP posts:

Mama1980 · 24/04/2013 17:29

I'm afraid I agree with the others. Time can heal but in this instance, i don't think its possible. Personally I could never move on from this.

CajaDeLaMemoria · 24/04/2013 17:33

Have you seen your doctor? They may be able to help with physical things.

I'd also get a decent counsellor for you, so you can talk through what he's done. I know you don't feel you want too, but you are either going to have to get the confidence to leave, or process it so that it loses it's hold, and to a certain extent forgive it, so you can move on. Relate etc can be okay, but I'd go for someone really good, because you need results quickly. Make him pay, because this is his fault.

You might numb to it, over time, so that it doesn't bother you so much anymore. But with that comes emotional distance, and you'll become people who live in the same house and might sleep in the same bed, but with no passion or love. That's why I wouldn't rely on time, here: you can't expect time to numb the bad without the good being numbed, too.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 24/04/2013 17:33

You can't go back to where you were because you can't 'unremember' something that serious. You can't bear to look at him because his behaviour disgusted you. Doesn't matter how sorry someone claims to be, if they've crossed a line, you will never look at them with anything other than contempt.

The only glimmer of hope I could offer would be to send him away to cool his heels for a while. Give yourself time to really think and weigh things up without him being in your face all the time. Some people find a period of reflection - weeks rather than days - helps them make their mind up what to do next.

AuntieStella · 24/04/2013 17:34

You won't get back to where you were. Ever. But you might get to a new place where you can be happy again.

No, you don't have to leave him. But you do need to bottom out completely why he did this. How did he give himself permission to do something so very utterly wrong. For only then can you decide if it was one terrible mistake, or if it is a fundamental weakness in character.

And then it takes time. It takes him fully accepting the role of healer, and doing it for a long as it takes (and this might mean years). He has to be a totally open book to you.

Hysterical bonding isn't an indicator one way or the other of a successful reunion. It doesn't matter that it's worn off.

If you have made a decision to attempt reconciliation, then are you doing your bit. It's his role and responsibility to be the healer. But are you committed to making the effort too. Do you go out together? When was the last time you actually enjoyed each other's company?

(PS: I spotted my DYAC in time, the keyboard was going to change it to "Do you grout together?". Wich might also be a question worth asking - do you function well together as a domestic team?)

CogitoErgoSometimes · 24/04/2013 17:36

Are you doing your bit????

Original poster

eatssleepsfeeds · 24/04/2013 17:37

It's just so horribly sad.

He has, and has always been an extremely loving husband and a fantastic father.

I could not fault him an any other single reapect.

I hate the idea of throwing it away.

OP posts:

Doha · 24/04/2013 17:38

Agree with all the above posters.
Time is a great healer but in this occasion l cannot see any healing or recovering from the situation.

Of course he is nothing but apologetic--but only because he has to be, he would not have admitted this act would he?
For well over an hour he was engaged in an "act" using family money and was obviously not giving any thought or consideration to you or your DC's.
He is an asrewipe.
Basically HE is fucked.. He chose to do it, he has to live with the consequences

Doha · 24/04/2013 17:39

You are not throwing everything away eatsleepfeeds. He has managed to do that all by himself.

Mama1980 · 24/04/2013 17:42

A loving husband and fantastic father would not have done this. You are not throwing anything away, he has. I am so sorry.

AuntieStella · 24/04/2013 17:52

"Are you doing your bit???? "

Yes, because if you have decided to reconcile, it is your action too, not something that is done to or for you. Having made that decision, you really have to live it. His is the greater responsibility as healer, but it takes the efforts of both you mend.

If this idea makes OP recoil, then perhaps that's a message about whether she really is up for reconciliation and all that entails.

Doha · 24/04/2013 17:53

Wow AuntieStella that's about the biggest pile of shite that l have ever read of MN.

Badvoc · 24/04/2013 17:57

You haven't thrown anything away op.
He has.
I know it's not what you want to hear, but there is no way back to "how it was" and evidently things were never like that anyway, at least not for him.
I am sorry.

AnyFucker · 24/04/2013 18:01

Stella what precisely would "doing her bit" consist of ?

Planning cosy tete-a-tetes with the man that used 500 quid of family money to buy sexual services ? Nights out a deux ? Rewarding him with child free weekends away ? Swallowing her disgust and giving him more blow jobs ? (she tried that and more, it nearly gave her a breakdown, I remember the thread she posted right after it)

Terrible advice because it implies there is something she could do to "improve" her relationship with this man, when there was fuck-all wrong with the relationship in the first place. Changing herself will not alter the fact that this so-called family man has used other women to satisfy himself sexually and all the selfish misogyny that confers onto him (despite him being such a lovely fella "otherwise")

Badvoc · 24/04/2013 18:03

Stella...fuck me, I've seen some dubious advice in MN before but that's a ruddy corker!
I would be more concerned that her partner was "dong his bit" I.e. not paying young women to show him their labia.
Ffs.

Sidge · 24/04/2013 18:09

I couldn't get past infidelity and it led to the breakdown of my marriage.

To me, fidelity, trust, openness and honesty are fundamental to a relationship. Once that has gone there is nothing left.

I couldn't live with the anxiety, distrust, fear, and loss of self-worth. All I felt for him was disgust and disrespect. That's no basis for marriage.

AuntieStella · 24/04/2013 18:14

Please don't make assumptions.

No, I don't think she should be planning cosy tete a tetes. Nor restarting sexual contact before healing has reached at stage. Indeed I think the healer should be the one making all the running, should be taking the initiative, should be highly sensitive to the injured party's needs, and needs to redouble efforts in the backwards part of 'one step forwards, two steps back' that tends to happen on an attempted reconciliation.

Because how does one reconcile without both parties making the effort? If OP is making this decision, it is her reconciliation too. The forwards part of 'one step forwards, two steps back' won't happen if she isn't willing to move towards him at all. This of course requires immense strength from the injured party.

Which is why I asked if they do things together, and whether it is ever possible to enjoy being in each others company. For its baby steps, over and over again, which make a reconciliation. But, again as I said, if the thought of even the titchiest, tiniest baby step or positivity towards reconciliation is repellant to OP, then it's not going to progress.

MadAboutHotChoc · 24/04/2013 18:29

I remember your thread

He chose to throw away his relationship and family for meaningless sexual services from a random dancer.

He chose to spend FAMILY money on sexual kicks. £500 is a lot of money to me - what on earth was he buying to have spent that much??!

He chose to lie about it.

He thinks women are there for his sexual satisfaction, does not give a shit that they are real people with feelings, thoughts and real lives and that they are probably vulnerable/trafficked.

There is NO way I could live with someone like this and this is coming from someone who has taken her DH back after an affair.

You must feel sick and disgusted The longer you live with him, the more fucked up you will be because you will be having to tie yourself in knots trying to reason with yourself in order to live with the fact that you have a shitty, lying, sexist, woman hating man for a partner.

Don't say he's a great father - good fathers do not treat the mother of their DC like this...

TurnipCake · 24/04/2013 18:31

I turned a blind eye to my cheating ex and tried to 'make it work'. I ended up so ill from it, I had to take a week off work.

Can't say anything other than I feel for you OP, what a miserable existence.

Original poster

eatssleepsfeeds · 24/04/2013 18:35

To be fair, I have already said that I didn't want to end the relationship so advice about how I can help myself going forward would be incredibly useful.

Anyfucker is spot on, as per. There was 'fuck all wrong' with the relationship.

He would agree with that.

I would agree with that.

I think that's why it has hit me so hard. I could NOT have seen this coming.

OP posts:

LadyMountbatten · 24/04/2013 18:36

Hi again.
How did you find out the duration of it?

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