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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

stalemate over DH lies - what to do?

42 replies

evaeoin · 24/04/2013 10:07

I have been having an ongoing issue with H. In a nutshell we split last year very bad terms due to his verbaly and emotional abusive ways. We got back together after almost a year based on the fact (in my mind) that he had had counselling to deal with his issues and had changed.
He seemed totally different and has not raised his voice even once and has pretty much been a good guy since moving back home 7 months ago.
BUT basically a couple of things happend to make me doubt that he had done the counselling at all. I confronted him and he will not admit that he didnt go. We have been sleeping seperately for about 4 months now and this suits me fine but he of course is sexually frustrated and cannot understand what is up with me. He even said last week do i want him to go out and have an affair!
I know in my heart he is lying about the counselling. He supposedly went every week for 6 weeks and used to rush off to it, ring me after etc etc and basically put on a great show of going. If he didnt go that means that he didnt think he needed to go and that all the abusive behaviour was in my head? my fault? didnt happen?
What do i do? I have challenged him several times over this and he keeps denying and side stepping. He told me he wont go for couples counselling and i can go if i need to but he is done with living in the past.........
What do i do? I really would love if he would admit that he didnt go.....

OP posts:

Original poster

evaeoin · 26/04/2013 13:58

Cignito - Sorry to be so lame but what do you mean by he has me fearful about the fall out? There is something a-foot alright but am having trouble understanding what. I do appreciate though that somehow everything that happens is text book in one way or another.

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 26/04/2013 14:08

I know there is the simple(ish) solution of telling him marraige is over but i dont know if i have the mental and physical reserves to cope with the fall out right now.

There's a very simple solution, kick him out. You need space and time to process everything you have been through and everything you are still going through.
Pack his bags and kick him out!
You're in the spare room!! This speaks volumes as to what kind of man you are living with!
You know what needs to happend it's just getting your head around it.
Hope you get it sorted out soon.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/04/2013 14:22

You say you're worried that you don't have the physical reserves to cope with the fall-out. I don't know if you're thinking about purely practical matters personal to you or if his behaviour (or reaction) is part of that fall-out in a more tangible sense. If it's the former, fine. If it's the latter he wouldn't be the only bully to maintain the status quo by making someone feel too guilty, too weary, too lacking in confidence or too frightened to chuck them out.

Original poster

evaeoin · 26/04/2013 14:40

The fall out to me means the stress of having to actually get him to leave ( i doubt he would just pack up and go so that means i will have to get help to do it). Then the stress of having to cope with actually being seperated (having to tell people, kids missing him = acting up atc) which as i am feeling so down i feel i would not cope too well with all that.

But having him here maintaining the status quo is not living either and is causing me alot of stress because i think of my options all day every day and never get a resolution. even when i muster the strenght to speak to him about it he just spouts the same sh*te over and over - that its not him its me - that he is doing his best - that i want to live in the past etc.

Even if i sat down with him this weekend and told him it was over he probably wouldnt listen to me.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/04/2013 14:46

Then how about cutting out the middle man and going straight for divorce?

Original poster

evaeoin · 26/04/2013 14:54

Divorce sounds wonderful.
I have just been sitting here giving myself some therapy ( and a kick up the backside!)
Why am i putting up with this bull? He has lied/is lying and will continue to lie all his life.
He has abused me. A judge told him to get counselling and got him removed from our home. He said he did said cousnelling to get back into my good books. I now know he didnt do any such thing. Ergo he hasnt changed, didnt feel the need to change and basically thinks it was all my doing anyway. Bold little me told everyone what he was really like which still obviously eats him up. He cant lose his rag with me or i will call the police, so he is threading water for now and only he knows how he thinks this is going to continue into the long term.
So thats is - will set him straight tonight.
Specific tips would be welcome!!!!

OP posts:

Original poster

evaeoin · 26/04/2013 14:55

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/04/2013 15:01

Tips? Don't complain, don't explain. Just say it straight, tell him you'll be seeing a solicitor to draw up the divorce papers Monday and you suggest he gets out now rather than embarrass himself by staying where he's not wanted. If you think there is any chance of him getting aggressive, don't do this by yourself but get someone to be with you when you tell him.

Good luck

AnyFucker · 26/04/2013 16:02

What cog said

Don't get drawn into long exchanges

Employ the broken record technique

"this is not working, I want you to leave"

Rinse and repeat

SundaysGirl · 26/04/2013 20:31

Just to confirm what others are saying. When someone has a pattern of lying and it has become a way of life for them, they do not suddenly just change overnight. In fact I am sceptical if these types of people can ever change in any meaningful way. The manipulations and lies just come so automatically to them that it would take such a lot of honest reflection to make changes, I think it unlikely it would ever happen.

I agree about the broken record technique.

Original poster

evaeoin · 02/05/2013 21:57

well the lying piece of sht just admitted the truth. he never went to counselling. of course it wasnt his fault. he didnt go on the advice of our marraige counsellor who apparently said it was ridiculous that i wanted him to go to counselling on his own and there was no need.
he just wanted to keep me happy thats why he pretended he went - but he didnt need to go because he had a lid on his temper!!!!! did you ever hear such shte in all your life.
i have been trying to drag the truth out of him for weeks and every time he gaslighted me with a load of crap and tried every trick in the book to put me off asking. lies upon lies upon lies.
however i do feel good to know that i wasnt being paranoid or mental by feeling he didnt go.
hes not even that sorry i can tell. what a ass. he is gone out now for "half an hour" to leave me time on my own! yeah right hes gone to the pub as he does every thurs and even now he thinks he is doing me a favour.
cant believe i was so foolish to ever let him set one foot back in the door........will i ever learn........

OP posts:

NotTreadingGrapes · 03/05/2013 07:18

I find it difficult to believe his marriage counsellor said that...

What are you going to do now then OP?

How was it when he came back from the pub?

Walkacrossthesand · 03/05/2013 08:00

'I know I don't need counselling even though a learned judge recommended it as a result of my behaviour and I'm so sure about that that I am prepared to go through an elaborate charade followed by lies to you. Even though that is exactly the kind of behaviour which led to the recommendation in the first place. I am so sure I'm right, and everybody else is wrong. You'd better believe it'. Words fail me. The judge's recommendation didn't form part if a court order I suppose? Because if it did, H has breached it and that can be a lever to get him out....

CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/05/2013 08:06

"half an hour" was enough time to pack a bag, sling it out and bolt the door behind it. Hope that's what you did :)

NotTreadingGrapes · 03/05/2013 08:20

Hell, why pack him a bag? That's a waste of a good 30 mins of Mars Bar and gin time. Send him off in his pants.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/05/2013 09:05

You're quite right... what was I thinking?

Snorbs · 03/05/2013 10:53

He wanted to keep you happy. His means of achieving this was to:

a) Promise to attend counselling as a condition of returning home,
b) Not bother attending the counselling,
c) Pretend to attend counselling,
d) Repeatedly lie to your face about the counselling,
e) Gas-lighted you for the temerity of questioning where he was actually going.

And he's now claiming he did all that to keep you "happy" so it is, essentially, your fault he is an utterly untrustworthy liar.

What an utter tosser.

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