abusive husband, lunch issue...

[calypso2008]

My husband and I now live separately, thank God. Our lovely DD (5) goes to a school where you can pay for school lunches or they come home for 2 hours. Everyone in her class stays for school lunches, except for one boy.

Until now, (last week) I have been making a big family lunch (live in Spain, is main meal of the day) every day and it is the one time DD sees her father. It was to create some semblance of normality in her life.

Problem is; sometimes (D)H will be polite, sometimes not (always nice to DD) She enjoys these lunches and if (D)H is rude to me I always cover it up, never do I challenge him or argue - it is not worth it.

Now I have had enough. (D)H is saying I am lazy and giving up on everything. He insists DD should have a family lunch and now is picking her up to take her to his house. But every day he phones asking when am I going to start making lunch again.

I just can't face him. Am I being unreasonable and lazy? I don't know what to do. The school is too far away for me and DD to walk in the morning and evening (which we do) but also at lunchtime.

Any comments would be welcome. I am feeling so low and like a bad mother. I feel so guilty.

jenny what a good point you make. The 'rights of the child' can be signed away by the father - I hadn't seen it like that before but you are right.

OP Good luck and please keep talking to these wise people on MN. You seem incredibly nice and caring and patient, and your DD is lucky to have you.

yeh, obviously I'm very he did sign them away, but the bottom line for my x was that he had a greater fear of losing his financial assets than he did of his children moving to another country. I think we are both 'happy' now. I need a sea between us. I was financially screwed of course but small price to pay for the freedom that sea between us has given us.

Hello again, yes I do think he's using your dd to have a go at you. He wants you to do something (and spends an hour a day criticising you during the 'family time'), and if you don't do it you are letting your dd down. You are a bad mother if you don't make lunch for an ex!

He's picked these lunches as family time. Then you are obliged to be at home every day and cooking for half the morning.

If you wanted to take your dd swimming every night after school with her father as you thought this was a good way of spending family time and he didn't want to would you start ringing him up telling him he is a bad father?

If he wants to do the lunches then he can.

They were not "family lunches" anyway as you and your DH are now separated. You are doing something good for your DD in not exposing her to her DD being nasty to you on a daily basis. You want to protect her from somehow thinking this is "normal" and getting into a similar relationship when she is older.

If he keeps pestering, say that you are not prepared to eat with someone who is continually nasty to you and you don't think it is good for DD to hear that nastiness. You don't want her to grow up thinking that is normal in relationships and choosing a partner who is nasty to her. Don't allow any negotiation on this. Even if he says he'll be nicer say that you know from experience he won't be able to keep it up and you have made your final decision on the matter. You think DD will really enjoy eating lunch with her friends. If he thinks otherwise he is welcome to keep picking her up at lunchtime and giving her lunch himself. Then after that, just keep repeating that you have made your final decision on the matter and you are not going to discuss it further. Whatever he throws at you, just keep saying this.

You have made this decision primarily in order to protect yourself and DD. This isn't lazy. It is the decision of a strong woman determined to do what is right for herself and her daughter. The advantages of having more time etc come out of this but are not the primary reason you made the change. So enjoy the extra time as a side effect, but don't be conned into thinking you have done it primarily to be lazy!

My bet is that he won't keep picking her up for long as he will get fed up of the commitment and effort required.